Photo Credit: WWE.com
1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - Look, how could I not put Strowman first. The goddamn cello puts him in the running for greatest RAW segment of all-time. Seriously.
2. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 6) - Embiid played in his first all-star game last night and continued the process along of adopting Russell Westbrook, first by hitting a RAINBOW of a three pointer over him from WAY downtown and then chasing him down and blocking him at the other end. Lord help the Oklahoma City Thunder if they're on the other end of the Sixers' first (or any subsequent) trip to the NBA Finals.
3. Chloe Kim (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did she take home the gold in snowboarding at the Winter Olympics, she did so while tweeting during the competition. If you think that's not cool as hell, you're too goddamn old.
4. Brian Cage (Last Week: Not Ranked) - It's not every day that your girlfriend and mother of your child goes on Twitter and calls your penis yummy, but hey, Cage got that treatment from Melissa Santos yesterday. For all the bullshit drama that can go on on Twitter, sometimes, it's just too beautiful for words.
5. Porterhouse Steak (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - This is my go-to steakhouse order because you get the tenderness of the filet and the flavor of the New York strip. Seriously, why fuck with anything else?
6. Asuka (Last Week: Not Ranked) - On one hand, you could say since she wasn't on RAW that no one was key enough to put her on the show, but on the other, Nia Jax came out and beat the shit out of two people she's not currently entangled with just to send Asuka a message. I'd say that's pretty much having your presence felt.
7. Chris Long (Last Week: Not Ranked) - After conservative shitbag talking head Laura Ingraham said LeBron James should stick to sports after he called out the Cheeto-in-Chief's lack of response to the latest school shooting, Long went on a Twitter thread of all the right-wing celebrities Fox News has had on. But hey, I'm sure Roger Alies' legacy of sexual harassment and turning this nation's grandparents against their kids has good reason to get financial news from... Brodus Clay? Or nuance on the Middle East from... uh, Gene Simmons?
8. Michael B. Jordan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Black Panther came out over the weekend to big box office numbers and critical successes. While Jordan played the movie's antagonist, Killmonger, he still came out of the weekend as the real winner because no one could stop talking about how goddamn attractive he was. Also, apparently, Killmonger turns out to be a Magneto-style "HE WAS RIGHT" villain. I haven't seen it yet, so I don't know if his character survives. If not, well, Creed II was also announced over the weekend, which means he'll reprise his titular character with a chance to avenge the death of his father (kinda) by facing off against the son of the man what killed him. Not a bad weekend at all for the least weird person with the combo Michael and Jordan first and last names.
9. Mark Henry (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So many people memed their reactions to seeing Black Panther as before/after with the after being something extremely Africanized and possibly problematic. However, Henry has the bona fides and he showed them off after he saw the movie that swept the nation, and folks, it worked because he lived it.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Do you know the Lorcan Man, the Lorcan Man, the Lorcan Man, who lives right off of Porkin' Lane.