Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 10

Photo Credit:
Half the nation is buried under snow, but don't fret! HORB FLERBMINBER is here to dig out all the SCOOPS you need to get through your piddling, winter precipitation-covered existence. Do you see Dave Meltzer out there salting the streets so he can get to all the news on the IMPORTANT coast? NO, he's too busy salting the earth of his credibility by smearing women and minorities from the comfort of his California hermit compound. I'M OUT HERE WITH A PLOW SO I CAN GET TO CM PUNK'S FRONT DOOR AND PLANT SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS. You don't get that kind of dedication from the other coastal elites and their LAISSEZ-FAIRE JOURNALISM.

Now, you could just read the newsletter and think you're content with yourself. YOU'D BE WRONG, YOU LAGGART AND WASTREL. You should first follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You can follow me for breaking news, like when I broke when Cody Rhodes posted an affidavit stating that he believed reverse racism was real. You can follow me for gossip like when I posted those private chat logs from Grindr featuring a current WWE Superstar. Who was it? FOLLOW ME TO FIND OUT. Hell, you can even thirst-follow me. I post lascivious pictures of myself late at night. DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME IN THE BORAT THONG? Then follow!

You can also order back issues of the newsletter if you want more HORB in your life. These back issues of the newsletter are featured this week:
  • February 7, 1979 - I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox.
  • February 14, 1979 - Which you were probably saving for breakfast.
  • February 21, 1979 - Forgive me, they were delicious.
  • February 28, 1979 - Sixty-three page expose on Larry Zbyszko's penis.
  • March 7, 1979 - So sweet, and so cold.
And now, the news!

- WWE was in talks to bring back Alberto del Rio. He visited Titan Towers to meet personally with Vince McMahon, but instead took an offer with AAA because WWE wouldn't meet his demand of two burlap sacks with dollar signs on them filled with cash per pay period, an upgrade over the one he got from his last tenure.

- del Rio will be appearing for AAA TripleMania because, in his words, "That's TRIPLE the Mania, man. Three times the WrestleMania!"

- I asked Paige what she thought of the attempted re-signing of del Rio, and she just threw a half-full bottle of Orangina at me before shouting "MOTHERFUCKER" and running off.

- Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle vs. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H was officially announced for WrestleMania. Smart having an experienced, talented worker like McMahon across the ring to handle Rousey's raw greenness.

- Rousey will appear on every RAW from now until WrestleMania, which is definitely how WWE wrestlers become memorable stars in this day and age.

- STAR RATINGS FOR NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING'S 46TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW: More stars than exist in the known Universe.

- Katsuyori Shibata has been named head trainer at the New Japan Los Angeles Dojo. He will be personally teaching the introductory courses, "Intro to Shoot Headbutts" and "How to Cope with Losing Your Wrestling Career over Shoot Headbutts."

- The venue for All In has been announced, and it's your mom.

- Hillbilly Jim will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. He'll be wearing his fanciest overalls, or at least the ones with the least mud stains on them, to the event.

- Rey Mysterio suffered a partially torn biceps muscle at Northeast Wrestling this past weekend. WWE is already adding on the frozen time onto contract negotiations in anticipation.

- WWE is kicking off Women's History Month by not doing a damn thing about accusations that Jonathan Coachman sexually harassed coworkers during his time at ESPN.

- WWE announced a 50-man Royal Rumble to happen in Saudi Arabia, the winner of which will receive a WWE Championship opportunity at QuadrupleMania.

- Bobby Fish suffered a knee injury doing the stanky leg to Undisputed Era's theme song as an accompaniment to Kyle O'Reilly's air guitar on the NXT Tag Team Championship belt.

- Jim Ross underwent eye surgery. It was successful, because he's back being horny on main on Twitter.

- A completely one-sided piece on Cody Rhodes was printed in The Ringer yesterday. I can't believe they didn't consult me so I could talk about how Rhodes is INADEQUATE in the ring to counterbalance all the positive press. Rude!

- Canelo Alvarez tested positive for PEDs in advance for his fight against Gennady Golovkin, but he was cleared because he blamed it on tainted Mexican meat. Unrelated, Roman Reigns has started buying all his meat from Mexico now.

- Tammy Lynn Sytch was arrested on DUI charges this past weekend. Her bail was set at 30 Skype Session payments.

Last week's poll results are in, and for some reason, only 23 percent of you approve of Donald Trump's presidency so far. I asked what the best match at the NJPW Anniversary show was. Fuck's sake.