Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 12

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HORB FLERBMINBER is back, and I don't have enough time in the day to tell you all the reasons why the following news report will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Honestly, I shouldn't even be reporting half of this. Why? Is it because most of it isn't true? PREPOSTEROUS. My news is the LEAST FAKE NEWS OF ALL-TIME. It's because for most people, the truth hurts, rating about at a nine or even a full ten on the pain scale. THAT'S WHY DAVE MELTZER NEVER REPORTS ANYTHING ACCURATE. He's too much of a WIMP to SMACK YOU IN THE FACE with the straight dope! That and because he's a fucking rube who gets worked too easily by his sources and who takes it out on women in general and in specific, but that's neither here nor there. Or is it? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

Now, you could just read the below newsletter and do nothing else with your day, BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT, PISSANT? Follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. I swear, I won't bombard your feed with links to weight-loss scams and GoFundMe accounts to buy Brock Lesnar Guy some sushi. I WILL DROP NEWS NUGGETS ON YOU LIKE DONKEY KONG THROWS BARRELS AT ITALIAN PLUMBERS. Only I know when and where the Johnny Bravo tape is going to drop, and HOW MUCH KUNG FU HE DOES ON IT. Also, only I have the brains to rule Lylat. You MUST follow me on Twitter. Also, you should definitely purchase one or more back issues of the newsletter, because what's better than reading old news? I know I can't think of a better activity. You could order them from me, except I forgot where I left the key to the vault where I keep the list of issues I have available. And the actual archive is somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota, guarded by a guy named Rocky Raccoon. Then one day his woman, who had like fifty different names, hit him in the eye and left him for some dickhead named Dan. It's a long story and involves a Bible or some shit? I don't know. Anyway, here's the news:

- Shane McMahon was hospitalized over the weekend when he came down with an acute case of diverticulitis while on vacation in the Caribbean. He reportedly did so as a rib on Brock Lesnar.

- McMahon was still announced as Daniel Bryan's tag partner for WrestleMania against Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. It's unclear as to whether that announcement was a work or if McMahon will work the match with an IV drip in and his colostomy bag still attached. If it's the latter, the match still won't be as shitty as Triple H and Stephanie McMahon vs. Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle.

- STRONG STYLE EVOLVED RESULTS: I got semen all over my favorite hat after the main event.

- BACKSTAGE NEWS FROM STRONG STYLE EVOLVED: Will Ospreay wasn't interested in challenging Rey Mysterio after his match with Jushin Liger until he found out Mysterio had bought shares of a wrestling company co-owned by Nazis.

- In an upset, Josh Barnett and Jim Ross didn't win Least Professional Commentators of the Weekend, as the chucklefucks from WrestleCircus went for it in a big way by referring to Aaron Solow as "Mr. Bayley" during their stream.

- In the latest development of the Johnny Gargano/Tommaso Ciampa angle in NXT, Ciampa woke up this morning next to a decapitated horse head in his bed.

- Rusev has been added to the United States Championship Match at WrestleMania so that all you fuckin' diaper babies who chant for him can have something for yourselves. You dorks happy? HUH?

- Charlotte Flair missed Smackdown and the Mixed Match Challenge last night for minor dental surgery. She apparently got razor fangs attached to her incisors so she could get an advantage over Asuka at WrestleMania.

- Women will not be competing at all at The Greatest Royal Rumble event in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia later on this year, because if you want to get in good with the House of Saud, you have to follow their rules.

- NXT will be heading to France in the summer, but not to wrestle, but as a trip to help campaign for Vince McMahon family friend Marine LePen.

- Road Dogg will induct Jeff Jarrett into the WWE Hall of Fame, indicating that Jarrett won't actually be inducted at all and that Dogg will have been the one who deserved the induction all along.

- Meanwhile, Paul Heyman will induct Bill Goldberg into the Hall, because Vince McMahon thought it'd be in poor taste if Barry Horowitz did it.

- WCW Saturday Night will be coming to the WWE Network this summer, as if Bryan Alvarez didn't already have ENOUGH to cover on his podcast of current events.

- Braun Strowman tweeted out that he's mad at Wendy's for not having any grilled chicken on two separate visits to two separate locations. In response, Wendy's sent Strowman an entire metric ton of grilled chicken breasts and reanimated late founder Dave Thomas so he could personally apologize to the Monster Among Men for disservicing him.

- Ronda Rousey, in an ESPN interview with Mike Golic, revealed she's been training with John Titor.

- Vader underwent open heart surgery this past week. The damage was much more extensive than was originally thought, and he'll have a much longer road ahead of him before he can get back on Twitter and tweet pictures of his dick while badmouthing Will Ospreay.

- Mark Henry told TMZ Sports that he was trying to stay out of the ring as much as he could, but by the time the reporter had noticed Henry was wearing his salmon suit, it was too late and had already been World's Strongest Slammed through a fishtank.

- Henry also said that he and other Black superstars in the locker room think Hulk Hogan has a lot of work to do before he should be able to come back to WWE, but that they're ready for him to come back anyway because Vince McMahon only recognizes their opinions in February.

- Katsuyori Shibata doesn't consider himself retired yet, and to expedite his return to the ring, he's been drinking liquid oxygen straight from the pressurized tank.

- Michelle McCool recently posted a picture with her and the Undertaker flipping off John Cena and telling him to, quote, "suck their balls, their big hairy balls."

- Major League Wrestling has signed a television deal with beIN Sports. The big news is that there's a wrestling company called Major League Wrestling and a television network called beIN Sports. Wild.

Last week's poll is in, and the results are too lewd to publish. This week: