Monday, March 5, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for March 5, 2018

The real winner of Oscar weekend, even if he didn't win all the awards he should have
Photo Credit: Emma McIntyre/Getty Images
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Jordan Peele (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So what, Get Out didn't win Best Picture, nor did Peele win Best Director. However, the Oscars are kind of a sham, right? I mean, in what universe is Crash the best picture of any year? Peele did take home an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, but even more satisfying, he got widespread praise from most critics and fans who saw his unique and groundbreaking psychological thriller that tackled racial issues in America as well as it did horror. His film will be remembered more than the winner, much like Citizen Kane is far more heralded than the picture that beat it out for Best Picture in its year, How Green Was My Valley?. Besides, the Academy gave two awards two Racism: The Movie, uh, I mean Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and one to Kobe Bryant, an accused rapist. Why preen for their support?

2. Shaquem Griffin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The NFL Draft Combine is kind of a gross meat market for how it's covered, but that doesn't mean the actual players who participate can't be noticed for their insane feats of strength. Take for example Griffin, a linebacker from the REAL 2017 National Champions Central Florida. He ran the fastest 40-yard dash for a linebacker ever, did 20 reps on bench press, and the most astounding thing is that he only has one hand. I'd be over the moon if he was there at 32 and the Eagles were able to snag him to shore up the linebacking corps.

3. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 1) - Honestly, I didn't think fire extinguisher would be enough to faze him to allow Elias to get away, but in wrestling lore, the fire extinguisher is perhaps the deadliest of weapons given its widespread use in hardcore matches. Tonight, he'll get THESE HANDS on a bunch of musical instruments in a Symphony of Destruction match, so I expect him to harmonically destroy Elias.

4. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 3) - Embiid led the Sixers to a win over the Cavaliers earlier this week, but his biggest impact could be his recruiting pitch to LeBron James to come to Philly next year. I think this Sixers team could contend next year without him, but adding King James could turn them into the Death Star. I can't wait.

5. Asuka (Last Week: 2) - She overcame dysfunction among her teammates to win a six-woman tag match, and now she gets to settle the score with Nia Jax, whom she... beat at Elimination Chamber? Look, I don't try to apologize or explain WWE booking. It's awful. But Asuka rules.

6. Katsuyori Shibata (Last Week: Not Ranked) - While he's not back as an active wrestler, and probably never will be, Shibata will be coming back to wrestling as a head trainer at the New Japan Los Angeles Dojo. Who else would be better to head up the American expansion of NJPW?

7. Chimichangas (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - Honestly, whoever decided to put burritos in a deep fryer should have gotten a Nobel Prize. Most people think of the chimichanga as just a regular like Chipotle burrito lowered in the basket into oil, but the dish I get at La Tolteca in Wilmington, DE all the time are more like taquitos or fajitas in that they're open ended. Either way, they got beef tips inside and are covered with guacamole and queso and sour cream and oh my god I could eat them for every meal.

8. Colin Kaepernick (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Kaepernick had the establishment so shook that the fuckin' US MILITARY was warning teams against signing him. That's how you know you're making waves.

9. Stokely Hathaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Big Stoke not only continued being the best manager on God's green earth, but he was an ultra-cool dude and guested on the Wrestlesplania podcast, episode dropping March 16. If something cool is happening in the wrestling world, you know Big Stoke is somewhere near it.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - And the Academy Award for Most Likely to Be Porkin goes to... ONEY LORCAN!