|"AND NOW, HERE'S BEETHOVEN'S NINTH."|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - I'd like to say that I'd have rated him higher if he had put Elias through the piano, but what's higher than number one? Would I have to name him God? That's blasphemy. Joey Janela's already God.
2. Meiko Satomura (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Satomura was announced for Fight Club Pro's April Fool's Day card against Pete Dunne, which only means one thing. Pete Dunne's gonna die.
3. Ava DuVernay (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So many takes and headlines saying that DuVernay's A Wrinkle in Time couldn't beat out Black Panther at the box office like superhero movies aren't the hottest thing and having "woke cache" on them doesn't make them bulletproof. I mean hello, Wonder Woman, anyone? DuVernay didn't make her movie to compete with other Black filmmakers. She did it to show that Black filmmakers can produce commercially viable media that makes a fuckton of money. Now, it's no substitute for the real racial justice that's coming, i.e. redistributing all wealth equally among all persons on the globe, but hey, it's a nice stopgap.
4. Zhoug (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Basically, it's a bunch of cilantro, jalapenos, oil, and other spices blended together, and it's delicious. It's great on pizza, cheesesteaks, breakfast sandwiches, everything. EVERYTHING.
5. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 4) - The Sixers are trending towards hosting a playoff series. How fuckin' cool is that, unless you're like Albert Burneko or some shit. Embiid may not be winning the MVP but his impact on the team is undeniable. Just incredible.
6. Asuka (Last Week: 5) - On one hand, coming out and strutting down the aisle to challenge Charlotte Flair was badass. On the other, Smackdown? Really? No one is ready for Asuka, but is Asuka ready for the fuckin' tag team of Road Dogg and Dok Hendrix?
7. Kimber Lee (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Lee got freed of her WWE shackles, and immediately she has BOOKINGS lined up. Maybe WWE fucked up by worrying that she wasn't a size zero, eh?
8. Nick Gage (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He and Penta El Zero M are gonna turn Joey Janela Spring Break 2 into a goddamn violence fiesta, and I can't wait. Fuck, he's got Penta and Timothy Thatcher that weekend, and that's just the Game Changer Wrestling cards. Here's to hoping someone else takes the hint and books him against someone even crazier, like, I don't know, The Crash putting him against Rush or something.
9. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The biggest winner of Fastlane was Daniel Bryan because he wasn't there.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - And in the end, the porkin' Oney makes is equal to the porkin' Oney takes.