Monday, March 26, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for March 26, 2018

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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So, Bryan announced that he was cleared to wrestle and immediately took an apron bump on his way back to a presumed match at WrestleMania. What an absolute legend. He could have just put someone in a YES! Lock and been done with it, but when you're Bryan BY GOD Danielson, you don't half-ass things. You put the stank on it. I can't wait to see what he has in store at Mania and beyond.

2. Kota Ibushi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Golden Lovers vs. Young Bucks tag match from last night was everything it was billed to be and then some. A lot of that drama was centered around Matt Jackson and Kenny Omega, but man, Ibushi provided a lot of subtext and support. Even when he's not the focal point of the match, he still finds ways to inject his psychotic genius. I think the most memorable part of the match for me was when Ibushi just snatched Nick Jackson off the ropes before he could hit the Indytaker portion of the Meltzer Driver and powerbomb him through the table that was set up earlier in the match. The timing on that spot was impeccable.

3. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - Really, she needs to get onto Smackdown ASAP and break the chain, because if I have to see Nattie Neidhart in a feature role in the leadup to WrestleMania anymore when she's just gonna be fodder for the Women's Battle Royal, I'm gonna scream. I mean, Alexa Bliss doesn't want anymore of her. Let her face down Charlotte like she was meant to.

4. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 5) - The Sixers have clinched a playoff berth thanks to Joel Embiid staying healthy enough to score more minutes thus far than players such as Steph Curry, Isaiah Thomas, Kyrie Irving, and Kawhi Leonard. Embiid, Ben Simmons, and Robert Covington are also the most efficient three-man pairing in the league this year. This year has been the start of something really special. Oh yeah, and now Markelle Fultz is back. WOOP WOOP.

5. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: Not Ranked) - It's funny that the guy who rode a bike into someone as offense in DDT is also the Murder Grandpa™ so believably and effectively. You know Tomohiro Ishii. I love the big bowling ball of a man, but when Suzuki was clubbing him in the face, I bought it. That's how much of a goddamn aura he projects. Also, he held Kazuchika Okada (and his Long Boys) at bay so that Zack Sabre, Jr. could tap Ishii out in the name of Socialism. What a good ally he is.

6. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 3) - I'm not sure Strowman even needs a tag partner, even against a team as HOSSY as The Bar. That being said, WWE should just let Alexa Bliss pull double duty and win the RAW Tag Team Championship to replace her RAW Women's Championship. What could go wrong, eh? Or maybe he should just team with Ronald McDonald as a statement against Wendy's continually robbing him of his grilled chicken. Dave Thomas would get these hands, but he's dead.

7. Piccini (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Could it be that the best pizza in the country is in a shore town on the Atlantic coast? Piccini makes a strong case with its wood-fired, thin crust menagerie of quality pies. Hell, even the chicken fingers are outstanding, mainly because they're freshly floured tenderloins and not premade frozen tendies. Ocean City, NJ has at least one thing over the town of the same name in Maryland.

8. Sister Jean (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Honestly, Catholicism is dumb, but Sister Jean as Loyola-Chicago's human mascot en route to the Final Four is kinda cute. It helps that they're the most likable team left, unless you happen to be from Philly. Even then, I'm from Philly, and I'm tepid on Villanova. Eh, either way, at least Duke didn't make it. Fuck Duke.

9. Terry Funk (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Joe Biden said he'd have kicked Donald Trump's ass had he heard him talk disparagingly about women in his vicinity, which caused one intrepid reporter, god bless them, to ask Terry Funk his thoughts on the potential match. You see, everything is pro wrestling nowadays. Why ask Terry Funk though? Because people are tired of going to the Ric Flair well, and well, Hulk Hogan is still slightly radioactive. Anyway, The Funker said that the match would be shitty, and I'd be inclined to agree with him. Trump probably hasn't been in a shoot fight ever, and the way he sold that stunner at WrestleMania XXIII leads me to believe that he'd suck in a worked one too. The only fight I wanna see Trump in, oddly enough, is Funk working him over in a hardcore match where Trump gets zero offense in. But that's for another less public blog altogether.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Loyola-Chicago, Villanova, Michigan, and Kansas may have made the Final Four in men's college basketball, but Oney Lorcan is all four slots in the Final Four in porkin'.