Monday, April 2, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for April 2, 2018

Bryan's return date is OFFICIAL
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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - Bryan's comeback finally feels completely real as his WrestleMania match is set. He'll team with Shane McMahon against Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens, and while most people are speculating as to whether or not Bryan will turn heel (lmao, as if Zayn and Owens are the real heels here), I'm speculating if McMahon's diverticulitis will be okay enough for him to wrestle by then. I'd love to see someone turn on Bryan to lift him away from this bullshit story.

2. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 4) - Okay, so Embiid didn't really make much of an impact on the court after Markelle Fultz headbutted him onto the injured list. Que sera sera. Still, he's been active on social media, where he's always been an all-star, and he'll be back in time for the playoffs. WEARING A MASK. Are you ready for Masked Embiid to join Ben Simmons and company in leading the Sixers to perhaps playoff series victories? I've been waiting my whole life for it, at least since the Super Bowl.

3. Ham (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I like turkey on Thanksgiving and stuff, but honestly, Easter makes out like a bandit getting ham as its designated meat. Seriously, it's versatile and hard to really fuck up unless you're really bad at cooking, and it's also got a higher floor and ceiling for flavor.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 3) - Honestly, Jamie Frost didn't stand a chance.

5. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 5) - In all honesty, Tetsuya Naito probably is a piece of shit, but he's one that everyone loves. However, when Suzuki calls you a piece of shit and then starts throwing furniture after you diss him, well, I think it's time to start making funeral arrangements.

6. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 6) - The tension is killing me as to whom Strowman is going to pick for his tag team partner. Hopefully, he just says "fuck it" and picks Alexa Bliss, because WWE should be dragged into the 21st century kicking and screaming.

7. Arike Ogunbowale (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Connecticut women's basketball team steamrolled the regular season and Women's March Madness up until the national semifinals, when the team ran into Notre Dame. Far be it from me to celebrate the Fighting Irish and its overexposed sports legacy, but to be fair, Ogunbowale's last second shot in overtime to sink the Huskies and send her team to the finals was the very definition of the word onions, at least in a basketball sense. I can respect that regardless of how tired the rest of the country is of Notre Dame athletics.

8. Meiko Satomura (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She went to Fight Club Pro and immediately kicked the shit out of Chris Brookes to win its top title. The thing is, few people were surprised at it, and in fact, if she had left England without that hardware, the reaction would've been ghastly. When you're an over-20 year pro who just rakes everywhere you go, you get to do Grown Person Shit like that. Also, Pete Dunne has got a receipt coming to him.

9. Shohei Ohtani (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Baseball is back. Hooray baseball! Ohtani is going to be the most watched player as he'll try to be the first person to do the whole pitcher AND position player thing (even if that position is designated hitter) in the Majors since who knows when. While he's started slow at the plate so far, his pitching debut yesterday went well. He hit 100 mph on the radar gun, and his breaking stuff broke. If he can do big things this year, then who knows, maybe he and Mike Trout can somehow deliver the Angels to contention in a loaded American League West.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - The Lorcan Bunny went to everyone's houses and gave them porkin' (provided they were of age and consented).