|Big Stoke holding court with Jaka, Faye Jackson, and MJF|
Photo Credit: TH
1. Stokely Hathaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Big Stoke Doin' Thangs hit a new high this weekend as not only did he successfully lead one client over another in Philly, but he defeated Nick Gage in Worcester in a match that I'm sure had no interference whatsoever from anyone affiliated with him. Add that in to the BOMBSHELL revelation that he acquired the master tapes from Marvin Gaye's estate and will be featuring him on his new album, and you've got one hell of a weekend for the reigning Manager of the Year.
2. Jordan Mailata (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Is Mailata, a six-foot-eight-inch, 348 pound MONSTER from Australia, a lock to make the Eagles' roster? No. Is he a lock even to translate his rugby skills to American football? Absolutely not. But am I gonna sit idly on the sidelines as my favorite team plucked an ideal sort of body from my mind in the seventh round of the NFL Draft Saturday in an attempt to give Carson Wentz's Prince Devitt his own Bad Luck Fale to carry around on his shoulders after winning a future Super Bowl? HELL FUCKING NO, I WAS HOOTING AND HOLLERING WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT PICK, BAYBAY YEAH.
3. Josh Brolin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did he have a star turn [REDACTED] half of the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] as Thanos, he staked his claim as another big antagonist in the trailers before Avengers: Infinity War as Cable in Deadpool 2, even if the real breakout star of that trailer was Peter, the normal guy who just wanted to be involved. I wonder if Sony's gonna try to get him to complete the Marvel Diaspora Trilogy and play Carnage in whatever sequel Venom spawns...
4. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 5) - On one hand, the Greatest Royal Rumble was an exercise in corporate greed generating entertainment bought and paid for for the purposes of propaganda for a murderous regime. On the other hand, Strowman winning his own title belt and the biggest Rumble match ever is pretty impressive.
5. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - Asuka lost another match on Tuesday. What does this mean? Absolutely nothing, because it was Becky Lynch who got pinned. Honestly, it's gonna take a lot of bad booking to submarine her, but you know Road Dogg is up for the challenge. Goddammit.
6. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 3) - He lasted 75 minutes in the Greatest Royal Rumble, a great majority of that time with his chest looking like ground beef after Roderick Strong decided to recreate the old days in mid-Aughts Ring of Honor. That is such a weird thing to describe though. Roddy Strong chopping Bryan Danielson in the chest until it was bloody raw in a WWE 50-person over the top battle royale in the middle of Saudi fucking Arabia. Wrestling is a weird, wild thing, man.
7. Ben Simmons (Last Week: 2) - The Sixers are in the second round of the playoffs and will be well-rested to face off against a bruised, beaten Boston Celtics squad. Even with the injuries on their side, it should be a good series that I hope Simmons will take over like the Aussie terminator he is and crush the hated Cs into oblivion en route to a hopeful Eastern Conference title.
8. Oceanea (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Really, I just want her to recruit more and more sea-themed wrestlers until she can produce a bizarre, frightening production of "Under the Sea" from The Little Mermaid, only as directed by Guillermo del Toro.
9. Bonefish Grill's Corn Crab Chowder (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Speaking of seafood, hey, the Mrs. and I pregamed Infinity War at the Bonefish Grill, and lemme tell ya, that signature soup is a good one. It not only has good depth and flavor, but it packs a little zing too. Perfect fare for preparing to watch a movie that rips your guts out with emotion. That wasn't a spoiler, was it?
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Now that tag team partner Danny Burch has been re-signed to a full-time WWE deal, the two can engage in some wild-ass hot tag porkin'.