Monday, May 7, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for May 7, 2018

Did Bryan make Cass look somewhat passable in the ring? YES! YES! YES!
Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 6) - Look, his match vs. Big Cass wasn't exactly a match of the year candidate. I hesitate to call it good because it was just so... boring. However, I found myself rapt at points because Bryan put the weight of the world on his shoulders and tried making someone who has looked good in the ring exactly once — when he didn't have to sell for a literal rapist while kicking his ass — appear as if he was worthy of the kind of push that was in his future. I mean, he had to guide Cass' arm into position so he could get the finish he wanted, and it didn't even feel forced, which is something. Again, that match kinda was just "there," but it's proof positive that the wrestling world is seeing its GOAT, its LeBron James. Hm, interesting, keep that name in mind...

2. Nachos (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The improper way to have celebrated Cinco de Mayo this past Saturday would've been to dress up in a poncho or a sombrero, speak in bad, exaggerated accents, and get piss drunk. I did not celebrate in that manner. No, my kid wanted to have Mexican, so we went to the local strip mall taco joint, which is owned and operated by ethnic Mexicans, and had dinner. Nachos may not be mole poblano or some other super authentic Mexican dish, but they get the job done, man, a messy, tasty, crunchy dish that can be eaten as a snack, or in my case, a totally grown up dinner.

3. LeBron James (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Okay, so the Sixers are pretty much shitting the bed in round two against an infirmed Celtics team. Que sera sera, the hated dickbags from New England put together a good team even with Kyrie Irving (and Gordon Hayward) injured. The Process was never supposed to manifest a true contender until next year anyway. So, let me talk about LeBron James for a minute, because how the fuck is he doing what he's doing? The Raptors shouldn't be buckling like this against James and a team of guys who might have won 30 games with someone who merely made an All-Star team this replacing the King, but they're shook. Hell, when the Cavs came up the floor in Game Three and James put up that wobbler, did anyone have any doubt that it was going in? No? That's how you know you're watching greatness manifested. Anyone who doesn't want this guy on their team is either a massive hater or is pretending to be one for fiduciary benefit.

4. Asuka (Last Week: 5) - Backlash was so bad last night that I'm pretty sure Asuka made out like a bandit by not being on the card.

5. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - Honestly, Backlash was terrible last night, and part of that reason was they put Strowman in the cooldown match between the Groin Strikers Ball and the main event. Like, how the fuck do you do that? Ugh, anyway, someone found Ryback on Tinder, and it only goes to show that he's utterly outclassed by the Monster Among Men, even on dating social media. And I LIKE The Big Guy. He's no Strowman though.

6. Danjerhawk (Last Week: Not Ranked) - On one hand, having him win the Chikara Infinite Gauntlet (their answer to the Royal Rumble) in his first match seems really, really, really fishy, like Carpenter Ant winning Cibernetico in 2009. For those who don't know, Carpenter Ant debuted around the same time as Green Ant did in 2009 as a replacement for the original Worker Ant in The Colony, but he turned out to be an infiltrator. He unmasked as Pinkie Sanchez at the finale that year and revealed himself a member of the newly formed Bruderschaft des Kreuzes. On the other hand, regardless of whether he's a Wrestle Factory dude or someone playing possum, the huevos on Chikara to pull off the "debuting guy wins the big battle royale" thing that WWE would never in a trillion years have the courage to do is pretty neat.

7. Jordynne Grace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I can think of few people better to put against Shazza McKenzie while she's on American holiday than Thicc Mama Pump. She's as good in the ring as she is owning dorks on Twitter, so she'll be a fixture in this crazy thing for a good long time, think. Plus she brought the fuckin' bearhug back as a legit finish.

8. Marc-Andre Fleury (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Vegas Golden Knights have advanced to the Western Conference Finals in their first year as a team. Fleury had two shutouts in their second-round win against the Sharks, which might end up being hilarious if the Capitals knock his former team out of the playoffs tonight. Please note that I have no faith in the Caps to close this series out. Hell, even if they don't, Penguins/Knights is on the table for the Stanley Cup Finals, and how hilarious would it be if Vegas won the Cup riding the goalie the Pens shot out of town for being so streaky?

9. Zack Sabre, Jr. (Last Week: Not Ranked) - This entry is a breaking news thing, as he won PROGRESS' Super Strong Style 16 over... Kassius Ohno? I guess WWE's wrestler lending program reaps some benefit. Anyway, Sabre continues to be vocal in using his position as world wrestling superstar to help end neoliberalism and brutally smash fascism. In an industry where everyone thinks libertarianism is something better than astrology for men, I'm hoping Sabre will continue to armbar the shit out of global capitalism. Plus, since he's a member of Suzuki-gun, it can be reasonably assumed that Murder Grandpa himself is probably a socialist. If the world's left has two of the most technically proficient and badass wrestlers on their side, who can be against them?

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Wouldn't it be nice if Pete Dunne and Danny Burch were able to harness the power of PORKIN to help take down the Undisputed Era?