Monday, May 21, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for May 21, 2018

The Monster Among Men decided to slap hands of children rather than give Macron THESE HANDS
Photo Credit:
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 8) - Honestly, I'm not ranking him here for any sort of thing he did in the ring. I just admire his restraint of heading over to Europe and not conquering any countries while he was there, especially France. I know the reputation of the French as cheese-eating surrender monkeys is far overblown by the war-loving right, but honestly, Emanuel Macron seems like the sniveling shit-sucker who'd hand the keys to the country over to Strowman if he even looked in his direction.

2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - The only drawback to him kicking the living piss out of Big Cass on Smackdown was that it happened in the United Kingdom, and thus Cass can claim it doesn't count because of liberal bias against Donald Trump and his supporters overseas.

3. Asuka (Last Week: 4) - Since Asuka interrupted the Carmella mock celebration of the Royal Wedding, can she be considered as antifa? Well, if you disregard all the times she dressed up in fascist-affecting military gear, you sure can!

4. Toni Storm (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sure, she lost the PROGRESS Women's Championship to Jinny Couture yesterday, but she did so with a rumored WWE deal on the table waiting for her. Signing with the big company isn't necessarily good, but did you hear that those fuckers got a cool billion from FOX to broadcast Smackdown? The fucking show that Road Dogg writes? Christ, if it was that easy to get money from FOX, I'd have filmed myself rolling my fat belly years ago. Anyway, she should walk right into Titan Towers, wearing her tiny hat, and demand she get paid. She'll get that money too because the tiny hat is too hard to resist.

5. Guy the Beagle (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I don't give a shit about the Royal Family or who marries into it. However, I do have a vested interest in the dogs who live in Buckingham Palace. While Meghan Markle's dog, Guy the Beagle, isn't a Royal Corgi, he's still really cool. One, he's a dog, and all dogs are fuckin' rad as hell, man. Two, he's a rescue from Kentucky who now gets to live a life of posh royalty. Imagine going from a shelter to getting filet mignon served to you by some butler. Regardless of whether you want all royalty marched to the gallows or not, you gotta feel happy for that dog, man.

6. Ryan Reaves (Last Week: Not Ranked) - If you think the most important person whose name is pronounced (RĪ-ən Rēvs) associated with Las Vegas is The Ryback, well, you don't know much about the hockey playoffs, do you? Reaves put home the game-winning goal in the clinching game in the Western Conference Finals for the Golden Knights' improbable run to the Stanley Cup Finals in the franchise's first year. If the Knights win, not only will it be the most impressive run to the title in North American sports history, it'll also make so many Original Six nut-hugging steam-breathing codgers soil themselves something fierce. As always, fuck them gatekeeping dorks!

7. Cracker Barrel Chicken Fried Steak (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Look, the Barrel might be a chain place where some franchisees are, well, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, super problematic. That being said, in a pinch, it's good for a cheap and delicious meal, the king of which is the chicken fried steak, which comes smothered in that creamy goodness known as sawmill gravy. You can hate on it; I won't, especially since it's throwing some of that sweet sponsorship cash at All In.

8. Josh Brolin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So the second half of Brolin's dual-antagonist spring, Deadpool 2, came out to critical and commercial success, and while he certainly wasn't the main attraction in this like he turned out to be in Infinity War, it's hard to look at him and not think he's having quite the year, right?

9. Mount Kilauea (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Personally, I like life and living, but honestly, the human race by and large feels like it's been a net negative for planet Earth. I may not agree with the Hawaiian volcano's current eruptions going hard, not only spewing lava onto the surface, but creating gaseous hazards, but I damn respect it as a means of fighting back against the rampant misuse of the planet that people, mostly in power, have made of it over the last few centuries or so. Rock the fuck on, fire mountain.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Not gonna lie, when he made the hot tag to get into that six-man main event on NXT Wednesday, I had to suppress the urge to shout "ONEY LORCAN IS HERE FOR PORKIN'!" so hard, man. I really don't want my wife to look at me any more strangely than she already does.