Wednesday, July 25, 2018

HORB INVESTIGATES: Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar Booking Plans

Photo Credit:
So, you thought you saw the last of me, HORB FLERBMINBER, did you? Well, after creative differences between me and that fuckin' cheapskate Holzerman caused me not to post my newsletter here anymore, you might be forgiven if you thought you'd never see my STELLAR WRITINGS here ever again. However, after we reached an amicable agreement, where he'll pay my modest fee ($500-a-day per diem is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT AS AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER, THANK YOU) and I won't mail ricin to his home address for three years. BUT ONCE 2021 HITS HOLZERMAN, YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR PARCELS. Anyway, I've come back to give you the DIRT on future booking plans. As you might have deduced from RAW Monday, Roman Reigns will attempt for the third time this year to win the WWE Universal Championship from Brock Lesnar. Will third time be the charm? Well, ACCORDING TO YOUR PAL HORB, nope, it won't. I have PROCURED THE BOOKING DETAILS for SummerSlam and beyond. This is LONG TERM STORYTELLING, people. Only look after the jump if YOU WANT TO BE SPOILED.

SummerSlam - Brock Lesnar is scheduled to defeat Roman Reigns by rollup. Lesnar will build a giant wall with an opening that he can enter. Reigns will grab inside of the opening to reach for Lesnar, who is scheduled to hand Reigns a lit stick of dynamite. After the dynamite explodes, leaving Reigns with a blackened face and upper body from TNT and gunpowder residue, Lesnar will get the shock rollup for the pin.

Super-Showdown in Australia - Reigns catches Lesnar sleeping backstage outside of his doghouse, attaches a chain to Lesnar's neck and to the house, measures where he can stand just out of Lesnar's reach, and then smacks him with a wooden board. After outrunning Lesnar and allowing him to run to the safe point, where he taunts Lesnar repeatedly, until Paul Heyman walks by, devilish grin on his face, and unleashes Lesnar from the chain. Lesnar and Reigns then fight around the arena, obscured by an inexplicable cloud of dust, before Lesnar pins him after a F5 through the henhouse. Where will the henhouse have come from? I don't know; WWE writing is so confusing sometimes.

Survivor Series - Expect Reigns to sign an endorsement deal with ACME Products, Inc., a company that provides various supplies to folks trying to apprehend or defeat their targets. Reigns, who will call himself Roman E. Reigns, SUPER GENIUS in the lead up to the Survivor Series match, will become a product spokesperson, demonstrating how each of his elaborate traps is supposed to quash Lesnar, allowing him finally to capture the Universal Championship. Each trap is booked to backfire spectacularly on Reigns during the match, included but not limited to: a tripwire pulley system that drops a one-ton anvil on Lesnar except it doesn't trip until Reigns stands under it, rocket shoes that allow Reigns to catch Lesnar but instead explode upon ignition, camouflage that's supposed to lure Lesnar out onto a cliff but instead knocks Reigns off said cliff, and bait that lures Lesnar out on the cliff for Reigns to saw the cliff off the rest of the escarpment only for the entire escarpment to collapse under Reigns leaving Lesnar inexplicably standing on a free-floating piece of rock.

Royal Rumble - Reigns and Braun Strowman are booked in a triple-threat match against Lesnar. Reigns attempts to put the pressure on the Champion by hanging "Brock Season" signs all around the ringside area. However, Lesnar catches wind of it, and will respond by replacing them with "Braun Season" signs. Strowman and Lesnar will come to blows over the signage issue, which will culminate them in ripping signs off a seemingly infinite stack of signs posted on a pole by the commentary table, alternating "Brock Season" and "Braun Season" signs until they finally get to the bottom one, which actually says "Roman Season." The two then team up on Reigns, eliminating him from the match.

WrestleMania - Before the show, the camera will train on R-Truth loading kids on the WrestleMania bus before eating a banana, a "treat from the road" as he calls it. He will toss the peel out the window before leaving for Mania. Later on, Reigns will drive his station wagon down the same road with Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose in the car. He will turn to them and ask "Hey, who rules?" as they reply "The Shield Rules!" They chant "The Shield Rules!" repeatedly, while Reigns' car slips on the banana peel. He loses control and steers the station wagon over a cliff, resulting in an explosion. Lesnar wins by default.

Extreme Rules - Finally, FINALLY, Reigns is booked to win. He gets Lesnar tied up on a board with every weapon known to man pointed in his general direction. Rockets, nukes, cluster bombs, you name it, if it explodes, Reigns has it locked on and ready to destroy Lesnar once and for all. The tension in the room is palpable. Reigns rubs his hands together and lights the fuse. The sparks make their way up the uncharacteristically long rope fuse, creating so much suspense. Finally, the fuse is about to give way to the biggest explosion known to man, when all of a sudden, a total worldwide blackout happens, making sure no one sees the subsequent pyrotechnics. Once everything gets back online, it only shows a blackened circle on the middle of the floor and Lesnar's boots, with Michael Cole shouting on commentary "WOW, THEY'LL NEVER LET US SHOW THAT AGAIN, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS." However, before Reigns can pin the charred remains, Strowman cashes in his Money in the Bank contract, hitting Reigns in the back of the head with his briefcase and winning the Universal Championship over an extra-crispy Lesnar.

WrestleMania LXXXV - Live from the Donald Trump Memorial Nursing Home For Invalid Wrestlers, Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar wrestle one more time, only they're bound to wheelchairs. They feebly poke each other with walking sticks until Reigns goes limp, passing away from old age. Lesnar tries to raise his arms in triumph, but instead he also dies. Is it a draw? Nope, Reigns dies first. Lesnar escapes this mortal coil without ever having meaningfully put Reigns over.

And there you have it. STRAIGHT FROM VINCE MCMAHON'S DESK, MARKS. If you're waiting for Reigns to go over Lesnar, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, EVER. So stop holding your breath.