|He made KANE palatable!|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 4) - Getting people to pop for Kane, let alone care about him, in the year of our Lord Bry... uh, himself 2018 is feat enough to emphatically place him at the top of this week's rankings. He also threw massive shade at the WWE storytelling process on the Gorilla Position podcast. At this point, he's golden, and WWE knows it, which is why he faces zero repercussions for being this sassy. That's how you know you're the GOAT.
2. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 1) - Some people go to England and take pictures, sightsee, or try to make the guards with the big hats outside of Buckingham Palace emote. Suzuki went there and won a second belt to go with his Revolution Pro Tag Team Championships with Zack Sabre, Jr. Suzuki defeated Tomohiro Ishii to win the RevPro British Heavyweight Championship, which automatically rockets up the list of matches I want to see on tape. Anyway, it's unclear whether Suzuki met with Shadow Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn, since by canon, ZSJ has made Suzuki-Gun socialist. However, I'm sure they could work something out had they did meet.
3. Kagetsu (Last Week: 5) - Now that Io Shirai has officially signed with WWE, Kagetsu's Oedo Tai can go unchallenged for supremacy, as Mayu Iwatani must now brave her battles kinda alone. She was in America for Ring of Honor this past weekend, but sadly enough, she didn't have the time to take out our government and claim the USA for the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM, of which she is prime minister. Maybe next time.
4. Trader Joe's Key Lime Pie (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Look, I know I'm spamming hard on the Trader Joe's sweets in consecutive weeks, but fuck, have you ever had this stuff? It's amazing. It's sweet and tart and the crust is perfect. I know it makes me King Yuppie, but I love Trader Joe's and I will fight nearly anyone for its honor. Except Nick Gage. Under no circumstances will I ever fight Nick Gage unless I had a death wish.
5. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She THUMPED ten-term incumbent Joseph Crowley in the Democratic primary, and now she has the establishment shitting their pants as she makes her way into a race against one of those sad dad's rights dudes for the seat. Ocasio-Cortez took ZERO PAC dollars and raised her own money and support through grassroots means. She's the real deal, folks. The revolution is coming, and it is coming from the Left.
6. Aaron Nola (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I had Nola pegged as a number three starter, low two at best, and he's out here this year proving me wrong. I couldn't be happier. He threw filthy shit at the Nationals last week, and he continues to be the surest thing every five days for the Phillies, who are a surprising but not too surprising contender this year. Baseball is back in Philly, and I'm goddamn thrilled.
7. LA Park (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He's still cranking out his resume for Wrestler of the Year, although I feel like his latest Photoshop escapades didn't go nearly as hard as they could have. Barack and Michelle Obama are nice, but man, he could've gone for Ocasio-Cortez. She was right there! Ah well, he's still better than Kenny Omega herpin' and derpin' all over the place.
8. Joel Embiid (Last Week: Not Ranked) - LeBron James signed with the Lakers, as he probably was intending to do since before last season ended, but that didn't stop Embiid from shooting his shot. The Sixers probably will miss out on Kawhi Leonard too, which is fine. If Embiid, Ben Simmons, and eventually Markelle Fultz live up to their billing, the team won't necessarily need another star. It's just the East was RIGHT THERE for the taking, y'know?
9. Braun Strowman (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Braun Strowman doing the Lion King intro to a real live lion cub. Your fave could never.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Oney Lorcan is here to make rehab for porkin'! Although how does one rehab a fractured orbital bone?