Thursday, August 9, 2018

The Blog of the Gods: Marriages, Reunions, and Of Course, Murder

They gettin' hitched!
Photo Credit: Lucha Underground
This week's episode of Lucha Underground promised a final showdown between the Reptile Tribe and the Worldwide Underground. While a new but unknown action was expected with the death of Vibora, the main event promised even more twists and turns than even were promised. On top of that, this week's show had a title match, more twerking than one could shake a stick at, and, of course, murder. Time to dive in, alright?

Wabbit Season

The show opened with Antonio Cueto on the phone promising another sacrifice to the gods before he was rudely interrupted (more on that later), and boy, when the time came for said sacrifice to happen, I thought it was going to be bloodier than it was. Alas, the entire Rabbit Tribe didn't bite the dust, only Mala Suerte. I'm sure he'd be mad at Paul London for giving him up if he didn't end up in the same non-living place that Mr. Pectacular, Cortez Castro, Vinnie Massaro, and the pizza guy whomst delivered a pie with pineapple on it now currently reside. I will miss his antics though, as who else in the Temple provides Looney Tunes sound effects with their offense? Suerte's demise probably means a meaningful in-Temple debut for the White Rabbit, who probably is still cleaning up Mascarita Sagrada's blood from his lair. As for Matanza Cueto, he's running out of expendable roster members to sacrifice. The stakes are going to start to escalate sooner rather than later, and my guess is in the coming weeks, his ultimate target, the one who might be able to offer a stay on their execution long enough to make it to Ultima Lucha Cuatro, will emerge.

Joey Liked It

XO Lishus has quickly become one of my favorite dudes in Lucha Underground, and now I have a goal for him. I want him to enter into a gimmick where he findoms Joey Ryan. It would probably the only good use of Ryan left in LU, and judging by his reactions to getting his face rammed into Lishus' posterior, he might embrace it a little too much. I mean, it did elicit a "Joey Liked It!" chant from the Believers, and afterward the match, when Jack Evans wouldn't let go of his locoplata submission, Ryan halfheartedly attempted at making a save, kinda like how Twitter halfheartedly disciplines White supremacists after they do a no-no like doxx a vulnerable person or make claims that mass shootings are hoaxes. Oopsie daisy! Maybe it's the wrong kind of chemistry, and this is a desire that would give more of a monkey's paw effect if it came true. They had some chemistry though. Lishus though is very much an incredible addition to the Temple. He can work, he takes full ownership of the character, and the man can twerk hard. I'll be crushed if it's a minstrel act and the person behind it is like Patrick Clark in terms of political belief, but hey, it's good now.

Of course, not nearly as good was Ryan once again going for the cheapest heat against Ivelisse. For a dude who champions intergender wrestling like he does, Ryan sure seems to take pleasure in indulging in the grossest in stereotypical gender roles while wrestling women at least in the Temple. Contrast that with Evans wrestling against her, and the difference is night and day. Evans went about his day and treated her like any other wrestler. The best thing was when Evans tried some somersaulting back kick on her, and she caught it and then stomped on his base hand as he tried to catch himself by standing on his hands. It's a shame that she's kind of reviled in nearly every locker room she goes in and has toxic social media presence, because Ivelisse is pretty good at this wrestling thing.

Going back to Lishus and the finish, I hope that they're not moving towards with a "har har, Evans is really mad because he's actually gay and repressing himself," because unless the payoff is that he's going to hook up with Lishus, it feels very regressive as a story. I mean, they're definitely moving forward with some kind of attraction story with them, or else Evans wouldn't have been spying on Lishus doing his Flashdance training routine a few weeks back. I just hope they don't go full asshole on it, y'know?

Come My Baby, Come Come My Baby

It's hard to think of Mariposa as a sexpot when she's wearing her mask, because it does a great job of conveying the creepy psychosis in her character's soul. They do a good job of making you forget that the woman underneath the mask, Cheerleader Melissa, is quite fetching. So a lot is at play when she's trying to play up other things about her that make her aesthetically pleasing to those attracted to femme-presenting folks to Cueto in trying to get a shot at the Gift of the Gods Championship. Whether Cueto was creeped out by the mask, was not attracted to her otherwise, or really does have strong ethics when it comes to sexual harassment in the workplace, it didn't work. However, before one lauds El Jefe Nuevo for his strong moral choice, he did in fact take Mariposa's bribe. Everyone has limits to their principles, I suppose.

As for the match itself, it didn't really follow the classic "seven stages" of a wrestling match. Rather, it was the kind of match that a novice writer for an e-fed would put out when he wanted to put both wrestlers over and didn't know how to do that without giving them equal time on offense. Like, Mariposa and El Dragon Azteca, Jr. just traded holds like clockwork. I always wanted to see that kind of match play out, and honestly, it was refreshing, even if it's not a pace I want to see more than once every other week. I found it interesting that they both kicked out of each other's finishers though. I wonder if that will be a theme going forward for Dragon.

The Snakes Are Supposed to Come AFTER the Wedding, C'mon

So a lot happened in the main event, and most of it was good. Vibora is as seen last week dead and not brought back by zombie magic. Kobra Moon did bring someone back from the dead; too bad it was Jeremiah Crane, now Jeremiah Snake. Johnny Mundo had a trick up his sleeve as well, but it didn't involve murder, at least yet. He replaced Ricky Mandel with Aerostar, a dude whose presence I had missed in the first portion of the season to date. It makes sense, since he's been a sad time traveler since his boy Drago got ensnared by Moon's Reptile Tribe. With the new battle lines drawn, atomicos action went on as it usually does. Aside from Snake working like a goddamn Great Value Undertaker at times, it was an incredibly fun and satisfying match. I mean, Aerostar doing dives is the best possible thing that could happen in any episode, so the match was ahead of the curve from jump. I mean, him going from the top into the pile on the outside of the ring was awesome, but then Taya Valkyrie followed it up, and it was even crazier. That was the tenor of the match, just bonkers shit happening all over the place, although nothing more bonkers than Vampiro comparing PJ Black to Mitsuharu Misawa for some reason. I like both guys, but uh, even by Vamp standards, that was a dumb thing to say.

But for as bonkers as the match was, the real shit happened afterwards. First, Mundo was overcome with a wave of ahistorical altruism for him and used his Snake Wish to free Drago back into the care of Aerostar. On one hand, it's great to see such a dynamic duo back together, and hopefully they can find a way to activate Feníx's resurrection gene so they can reunite the best Trios Champions in show history. On the other, seeing the Reptile trade in Vibora and Drago for Jeremiah Snake... I feel bad for Moon and Daga. Then, Mundo allayed a visibly upset Valkyrie with a marriage proposal that he patterned after the most famous proposal in wrestling history. Granted, at least Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth didn't have to deal with snakes until AFTER they were married, and while this feud was fun, I kinda hope that their wedding reception doesn't have a slithering reprise.

That being said, I feel like Mundo is going to have a whole different set of issues going forward, as Mandel was shown in the post-credits stinger muttering to his sentient doll that he was going to murder one or both of Mundo and Valkyrie. Then again, if that doll pops out of one of their gifts at said reception, then it'll cement Lucha Underground as the greatest wrestling thing ever.