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| YOUR SCI 2018 winner (and his kid, obvs) Photo Credit: @BostonNooga |
1. Joey Lynch (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Lynch won the fourth Scenic City Invitational this past weekend, following in the footsteps of Jimmy Rave, Gunner Miller, and Matt Riddle. He didn't just outlast Corey Hollis, Gary Jay, and Fred BY GOD Yehi in the final match, but he beat PCO to get there. Talk about beating a murderer's row of indie wrestlers to get to the promised land. Anyway, Lynch now has a trophy to go along with his luxurious beard. I wonder if this means he'll be showing up more in places like Beyond Wrestling and NOVA Pro. That would be nice.
2. Kagetsu (Last Week: 4) - Look, Donald Trump basically admitted that his dipshit son committed high crimes against the United States, and it's all because Kagetsu is moving in on overthrowing the United States Government. I mean, you didn't read this here, but it's going to leak in the coming weeks that Mike Pence has been sleeping on the couch at the Vice Presidential Mansion because he had an impure thought about Hana Kimura. THE PLANS ARE COMING TOGETHER. Oedo Tai will be in charge within a month, and all of the United States will be FREE of tyranny... well, free of one kind of tyranny. I doubt Kagetsu will be a benevolent dictator, but I'm not sure this country deserves benevolence.
3. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 1) - Okay, so Murder Grandpa isn't going to win A Block in the G1. Shit happens. The important thing is all the wrestlers he maimed along the way to get there. He has one last match against Bad Luck Fale, who it turns out is a legit fascist, like Fox News-loving conservative shitbag all the way. Since Suzuki is an honorary member of the Labour Party thanks to his association with Zack Sabre, Jr., maybe he can take a pound of flesh for the revolution.
4. Batista (Last Week: Not Ranked) - So The Real Big Dave™ once again is going in on #cybernazis, threatening to quit Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3 if Disney didn't hire back James Gunn. Sure, it's still mostly posturing within a capitalist framework, but he's putting the bag in jeopardy. Who does that, especially over something as socially sensitive as bargaining with people who take Mike Cernovich seriously? Anyone who takes that rapist seriously deserves to lose all the stars out of its movies, and believe me, Batista isn't easily replaceable as Drax.
5. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 5) - So apparently he hasn't signed on the dotted line to stay with WWE, so the dream of him throwing a bucket full of cum at LA Park at Arena Mexico at CMLL Aniversario is ALIVE.
6. Maikel Franco (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Just look at this fuckin' bat flip. LOOK AT IT.
7. Xia Li (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Last year's Chinese representative in the Mae Young Classic is back, baybay! I would have liked to have seen more of her on regular NXT because she showed so much promise, but hey, she was hurt for a good bit of time. In addition to being promisingly good at wrestling, I also want her to cho... [REDACTED FOR GOOD TASTE BY THE ANTI-THIRST LEAGUE]
8. Jordan Mailata (Last Week: Not Ranked) - He's the biggest, tallest, and youngest dude at Eagles training camp, which may not amount to anything if he can't play. Then again, whether he turns into a prospect with promise or just some shitty body, it's gonna be fun watching him maul dudes in the preseason. Sign me all the way the fuck up for the Jordan Mailata Experience, baby.
9. @BostonNooga (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Lynch wasn't the only winner at the SCI. Twitter hero BostonNooga won the first annual SCI Hot Dog Eating Competition, solidifying him as Wrestling Twitter's Joey Chestnut. Congratulations on consuming enough nitrites to take down an adolescent mastodon!
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Is the Dangerous Alliance here for porkin'? Of fucking course not, WWE is never going to use Paul Heyman on-screen unless he's with Brock Lesnar or the guy who eventually beats Brock Lesnar, and you can bank on that. But Oney Lorcan would be a fine Arn Anderson-adjacent member in a new one, wouldn't he?
