Monday, August 13, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for August 13, 2018

The only picture appropriate for this post
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Hiroshi Tanahashi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Ace has won the G1 Climax again, and honestly, it capped off a weekend where old was new once again. Unlike Tiger Woods, who finished second in the PGA Championship, Tanahashi pulled off his run, which means one, wrestling proves once again it's far better than golf, and two, he will go to the Tokyo Dome as the challenger for either the IWGP World or Intercontinental Championships, unless he loses it at King of Pro Wrestling. No one has ever lost the briefcase before, but hey, leave it to Gedo to ruin something pure and pristine in new and fantastic ways. ANYWAY, Tanahashi has pretty much done everything he can except face off against the other Ace of note, which means I hope New Japan brings in John Cena to beat Kenny Omega at King of Pro Wrestling to set up the one and only match that still needs to happen before Donald Trump somehow gets everyone on the planet nuked.

2. Kagetsu (Last Week: 2) - Just to show that she's not just all about building the empire of the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM, Kagetsu defended her World of STARDOM Championship by defeating Mayu Iwatani in the main event of the latest show. She also scored a major diplomatic victory by successfully burning all of Donald Trump's toupees, which is why the shittiest President in history spent the weekend tweeting about Omarosa.

3. Stokely Hathaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Yes, I know what you're all thinking, Big Stoke is leaving EVOLVE because he's signed a contract with...

...DefJam Records as the new CEO. What, did you think he was going somewhere else? He's the new, flyest hip-hop record mogul on earth, and for that, I give him mad dap.

(If he shows up at Takeover, this post will self-destruct.)

4. Minoru Suzuki (Last Week: 3) - So what, Suzuki didn't win the G1. The important thing is he got to maim everyone, including the eventual winner. Isn't that what wrestling is all about? Maiming people? It's not? Those goddamn Inokiists lied to me!

5. Penta El Zero M (Last Week: Not Ranked) - All In's presumed main event, or at least its co-main event with *sigh* Cody Rhodes challenging for the National Wrestling Alliance Championship, was announced as the Skeleton with No Fear taking on Kenny Omega. Honestly, someone on Twitter said it should be a death match, and I agree. Hell, his scheduled match with LA Park at Major League Wrestling later on in the fall should be a death match. In fact, every match from here on out should be a death match. I WANT BLOOD.

6. Ramon Laureano (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Some guys have hoses for arms. Some guys have rockets. Laureano has a fucking intercontinental ballistic missile launcher for an arm. I'm convinced that he could've been in Safeco Field and thrown out that dude if he was at Marlins Park. People who think baseball is dumb need to watch that video and then stay for the dingers, man. Everyone loves dingers.

7. Batista (Last Week: 4) - Hm, so Marvel is pushing for James Gunn to come back? Direct action works! Okay, perhaps a better example is Antifa scaring the Proud Boys and the Alt-Right and whatever the fuck else the fucking Nazis are calling themselves to fool everyone into thinking they're not Nazis anymore away from the Unite the Right rally this past weekend. But hey, maybe the looming specter of Batista Bombs kept those mouth-breathing asswipe motherfuckers at home too. Maybe.

8. Shrimp Scampi (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - My wife made some Friday night, and my god, it was so luxurious. Who knew combining cheese and olive oil and butter in the same dish would make it so rich and lucious?

9. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 5) - Stock Daniel Bryan ranking. Sigh.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - .'nikrop ereh si nacroL yenO