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| Don't cross this kid, lemme tell ya Screenshot via El Hijo del Fantasma's Twitter |
1. El Hijo del Hijo del Fantasma (Last Week: Not Ranked) - TripleMania was a hoot on social media for several reasons this past weekend, but El Hijo del Fantasma's kid (EHdF is King Cuerno on Lucha Underground for those who don't know) stole the show by giving LA Park the ol' throat-slash and the stink-eye after their match that also included Psycho Clown and Pentagón, Jr. Of course, it was for good reason; Fantasma lost his mask in the match, which is yet another giant throbbing sign pointing towards him signing with WWE. I don't know though, maybe he can bring his son to give death glares to the folks at NXT, or at least Frank the Clown. I bet that kid can fuckin' wreck that dork-ass clown.
2. Kagetsu (Last Week: 5) - After losing to a gaming company in her opening match, the Prime Minister of the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM bounced back with two big wins in the 5STAR Grand Prix, which is basically the company's answer to the G1 Climax. Kagetsu hopes to balance her duties as STARDOM Ace as well as her missions destabilizing evil capitalist governments around the world, but she'll have a tall order ahead of her as if she wins the 5STAR, she's planning on calling out Melania Trump. NO ONE gets a match with the First Lady, not even the Queen of England.
3. Aaron Nola (Last Week: 2) - Nola continues to be the most valuable player on the Phillies, shutting down the Nationals to end their series on a high note. Of course, the team will need him again in his next start, as they dropped two of three to the Blue Jays and are losing ground to Atlanta in the National League East. Even though the team wasn't supposed to be contending this year, it doesn't make the slide all the easier to accept, but if Nola can be a stopper every fifth day, it'll help things a lot.
4. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - I went back to not watching main roster weekly television after RAW put me to sleep before I had the chance to see The Shield reunite again. That being said, I'll assume he just showed up to Smackdown, ripped Miz's head off for his DISGRACEFUL treatment at SummerSlam, and then taught Birdie Jo how to play soccer with it.
5. Great Wolf Lodge (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The Mrs. and I took the kids on a summer-ending two day end-of-week trip to Great Wolf Lodge, and in addition to being a world-class water park, the food was pretty damn good. We limited ourselves to the buffet both meals we were there, but man, like, it was incredible for both dinner and breakfast. You don't expect that kind of food from a water park. Well, at least I don't. Anyway, if you're ever there and they have crab-corn chowder on the menu, grab that, because it was pretty darn tasty.
6. Faby Apache (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I know highlighting losers from TripleMania seems shortsighted, because if they were so good, why did they lose? On the contrary, Apache looks good with her hair shaven. She can usher in a new era of Sinead O'Connor-style shorn heads in pro wrestling. It'll be great! Plus, she'll get less wind shear resistance if she ever decides to throw a headbutt!
7. Rhea Ripley (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She did good this weekend and I'm being vague because I don't want to spoil the results of a certain tournament for some people who wanna wait until it airs on the WWE Network. It's okay, I can talk about wanting to get choked to death in her a... [REST OF ENTRY REDACTED FOR GOOD TASTE]
8. Mark Callaway (Last Week: Not Ranked) - A man who claimed to be Undertaker tombstoned a bouncer at a bar in rural Pennsylvania last week. Of course, one might be hard-pressed not to believe him without seeing him. His name is Mark Callaway after all. Still, one look at the guy, and he somehow looks sadder than the present-day Taker. That being said, I respect his huevos, man. Gotta salute the dumb criminals of the world, because they make our lives that much funnier.
9. Antonio Brown (Last Week Not Ranked) - I had my fantasy football draft this past weekend, and I took the Steeler wide receiver with my first pick, eighth overall. I really don't know how to parse fantasy this year, but I just wanna say that I both resent the fact that all the non-sports nerds say "it would be cooler if you drafted wizards and ogres and stuff" in the way that I resent them saying "hurr sportsball" during the Super Bowl, AND think that kind of thing would be really cool and probably less problematic since in that realm, magic would take away risk of head trauma even if it made the game singularly more violent. I don't know. Anyway, I hope your team wins this year and you get the first place kitty if it's a paid league. If it's a free league like my main league, then I hope you get bragging rights, friend.
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - Who beat up Aleister Black? It wasn't Oney Lorcan, but he'll be on the case, thanks to his new side job, Porkin' Private Eyes!
