Friday, August 17, 2018

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 248

Oh god they're doing this again what to do
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Time to run down the card, I suppose!

Pre-Show
RAW Tag Team Championships: The B-Team (c) vs. The Revival
HOPE: The Revival wins, ushering in a renaissance in the RAW tag division where they work the Authors of Pain, American Alpha, and any other team they want to throw at them.
THINK: B-Team wins, because The Revival didn't let Road Dogg eat first at Kraft services or some bullshit, god I hate wrestling.

Rusev and Lana vs. Andrade "Cien" Almas and Zelina Vega
HOPE: For them all to become friends and start beating the shit out of everyone en route to a four-nation alliance of power.
THINK: Almas and Vega get the win, fueling speculation that Rusev is on his way out of the company.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Cedric Alexander (c) vs. Drew Gulak
HOPE: Gulak wins in a hotly contested match that doesn't get interrupted by a goddamn commercial break for The Network
THINK: Alexander wins in a match that gets four minutes fewer than it should to set up a rematch with Hideo Itami in the coming weeks on 205 Live.

Main Show: RAW
Finn Bálor vs. Baron Corbin
HOPE: Bálor shows up in demon regalia and feasts on Corbin's soul.
THINK: Bálor wins with the Coup de Grâce in a tepid match, probably.

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Seth Rollins
HOPE: Dean Ambrose chokes everyone with piano wire and then goes backstage and shivs Brock Lesnar in repayment for not bumping for him once in their WrestleMania match.
THINK: Ziggler wins when Ambrose turns on Rollins, but then Drew McIntyre lays him out, and they all feud in some four-way bullshit for the Intercontinental Championship.

Money in the Bank Briefcase: Braun Strowman (c) vs. Kevin Owens
HOPE: I like Owens. I really do. He's the consummate pro wrestler right now, and no one gets wrestling better than he does on WWE's main roster. That being said, I hope Strowman turns him into a grease stain. Nothing personal, just, I need Strowman to keep the briefcase and then consume the soul of whoever wins the Universal Championship match.
THINK: I don't know what to think. But know this. If Owens wins, it'll be by DQ, and it means he's walking out of the arena as Champion by cashing in on Roman Reigns. If Strowman wins, it'll be by turning Owens into a grease stain, and Lesnar will leave the arena as Champion, because lmao, Vince McMahon is nothing if not a crazy old shit-for-brains.

RAW Women's Championship: Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Ronda Rousey
HOPE: Rousey slips on a banana peel, is replaced by the infinitely cooler Ember Moon, and Moon wins the title.
THINK: Bliss retains after some overly elaborate scheming that will delay the payoff and keep Rousey on her trail because Vince McMahon is nothing if not a crazy old shit-for-brains.

WWE Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns
HOPE: Thanos blinks this match and all Reigns discourse out of existence, bestows the Universal Championship on, I dunno, Big E?
THINK: See above in the MITB match. If Owens wins, then Reigns wins and gets cashed in upon. If Strowman wins, Lesnar goes over and probably stays Champion.

Main Show: Smackdown
United States Championship Match: Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
HOPE: Nakamura wins by hitting Hardy with a Kinshasa right as he's trying the Swanton Bomb.
THINK: God, probably some nut-shotting bullshit.

Smackdown Women's Championship: Carmella (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch
HOPE: Kevin Dunn gets hogtied and left in Gorilla to watch helplessly as Lynch wins with a Dis-Arm-Her on 'Mella.
THINK: Flair wins in coronating fashion to get the belt she only lost because of medical emergency back.

Smackdown Tag Team Championships: Bludgeon Brothers (c) vs. New Day
HOPE: Bludgeons win so they can hoss-off with the Bar and New Day can do a collective singles run.
THINK: Bludgeons win, but who knows what the future holds because Vince McMahon hates tag teams or something.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship: AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe
HOPE: Joe chokes out Styles in the middle of the ring in a match reminiscent of their tilts in the TNA X-Division as Christopher Daniels sheds a single tear while preparing to wrestle a CW actor.
THINK: Joe probably wins, because Styles' title reign feels like it's ran its course.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz
HOPE: Bryan wins, cuts an emotional promo afterwards about how wrestling means so much to him that he's leaving to pursue his dreams to wrestle LA Park, Rush, and Kraneo at Arena Mexico. He then clocks Miz with a bucket full of cum and signs his CMLL contract on his back. Also, this is the main event of the show.
THINK: Bryan wins despite some shenanigans signaling continuance in the feud, noting that he's re-signed with the company. Also, it will open the show probably.

1994 - Given that Bret Hart vs. little brother Owen was the best WWE cage match ever, the bar gets set really high. Plus the Undertaker vs. Undertaker stuff was entertaining, even if the match was eeehh, and it also had Bull Nakano vs. Alundra Blayze.

2009 - It was solid up and down, headlined by one of the craziest main events I can ever remember. It was before CM Punk became CM Punk as WWE would know him, but man, him and Jeff Hardy went out there and earned their main event slot.

2013 - The only other SummerSlam match that comes close to Hart/Hart is Daniel Bryan/John Cena, and even though the Randy Orton cash-in was a wet fart, it was still wild to see Bryan take out Cena clean with the Solid Knee Plus in the move's first ever application as a finish. Plus, it had a wildly entertaining Cody Rhodes/Damien Sandow match as well as a Punk/Brock Lesnar match that was probably the best for the latter in his current run that didn't also involve Cena or Bill Goldberg.

Only one match comes to mind. Is it the Universal Championship match? Maybe, just maybe, Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns can recreate their magic from WrestleMania XXXI and get the Universal Championship on there. Neither guy is on the original one. I doubt it though. It'd probably take an act of God for Styles and Joe to surpass Bret vs. Owen. I mean, Cena/Bryan couldn't even do it, and that match fuckin' smoked. Only one answer is obvious, and for my money, that match that would have the best chance to crack the mixtape, knocking one of the non-title matches off (Boss Man vs. Mountie, maybe?) is Bryan vs. Miz. Neither guy is on the tape, and Bryan is one who probably should be on there for the Cena match, except that again, an act of God is needed to knock Hart/Hart off there.

I really don't know, because I'm not sure anyone can compete with WWE right now, and New Japan/Ring of Honor are pretty much just getting to the level where TNA was in the mid-Aughts, that sweet spot after it got to Spike TV but before Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff took it to Monday Nights. Maybe the next milestone is they draw a stadium crowd? Maybe they are able to go with live television? I honestly have no idea. It feels like the second promotion in America is at a plateau, and the weird thing is, while WWE is getting a shitload of money, no one else seems to want to shell out for "wrestling." WWE has done that much of a hitjob on everyone else that they are now considered "wrestling" while everything else just doesn't exist to corporate America despite the fact that the cool publications are giving stuff beyond Titan pub. Like, Lucha Underground can't get guarantees on a fifth season yet; how is it that "wrestling" is popular? I don't know what the singular breakthrough thing for ROH/NJPW is yet, but I hope they don't do something stupid like try to run head-to-head on Mondays or Fridays before they're ready.

MCDONALDS: Fries, they're the best in the biz.
CHIK-FIL-A: An industrial size drum of CFA Sauce, it's an incredible condiment, stands up even to McD's fries
KFC: Popcorn chicken, the regular fried chicken is hit or miss, but those lil nuggets are always salty and crispy
TACO BELL: Cheesy gordita crunch, cheesy and that tangy sauce, man, I don't know what devil magic makes that sauce so good
BURGER KING: Onion rings, I guess, BK kinda sucks now
POPEYE'S: Red beans and rice, c'mon mack, c'mon, best fast food item in the country

First off, how could you be chanting at Travis Huckabee when Icarus is wrestling shirtless again? C'mon, get your head in the game!

Second, before last week, I would've sworn that a native team was winning the whole thing, but given that they strapped Mr. Touchdown so close to Trios, ending such a long, storied reign, I think they're going guest team again this year, like they have for every year since 2015. That big moment (and as I said on Twitter, I've never heard the Wrestle Factory louder than when Touchdown got the tap) felt like the thing for the diehard, every show fans. Trios has become the showcase for the casuals, which is fine, I suppose. Anyway, I think Mike Quackenbush's going joshi again too. I have a gut feeling Tokyo Joshi Pro Wrestling's squadron is gonna come out on top. It fits the last two years' winners too. In 2015, Sendai Girls won, but it wasn't out of the blue; it was a continuation of a story that was begun at Aniversario 2012. But Lucha Underground and British Strong Style winning the last two years were Chikara jumping on a trend. This year, TJPW seems to be the hot trend in wrestling that will be sustainable for a whole tournament. As you may or may not know, the other hot trend, PCO, will probably only appear for one show, since he's booked for the Starrcast on Night 2 and Inspire Pro on Night 3. Oops!

If a native team does win though, look for The Regime if it's a rudo team so that Juan Francisco de Coronado gets some heat back. I don't think he's done as a main eventer, even if I don't think Quack is dumb enough to put the title back on him soon. If it's a tecnico team, Xyberhawx 2000 all the way. But I just got a feeling about Tokyo Joshi Pro Wrestling, man.

They're up there! I'm not sure of a complete ranking, because I like mangoes, pears, and watermelon too much, but apples are consistently tasty and great. Their one drawback is that you can get a mealy one too easily, and when they're mealy, they're bad.

No question, it's Randy Orton, not the current theme, but this one:



What a goddamn banger for such a chud wrestler.

You best be careful about calling Inokiism a meme, because the people who like it, hoo-boy. Anyway, Inokiism was the booking philosophy in New Japan Pro Wrestling of, duh, Antonio Inoki, between the Three Musketeers and the current eras. It relied heavily on blurring the lines between pro wrestling and mixed martial arts, and thus it had an oeuvre that was exceedingly close to the old shoot-style promotions from the decades before like the UWFi and BattlArts, or like proto-MMA promotions like Pancrase and PRIDE. The people who like it really like it for the most part. It has the reputation of being a commercial flop, although the people who like it will say those numbers are wrong. Personally, I don't give a shit about the money it made. It's all wrestling to me. I'll watch it and judge it if I ever get a chance to. But that's besides the point.

Anyway, it's so big right now because people who like the current run of New Japan seemingly can't take criticism of the current product, so they have to lash out at the Inokiists doing the prodding. Yeah, some of those Students of the Great Slap Man are so irony poisoned that they become annoying, but the root of the problem is dorks who think that if you don't like Kenny Omega or Kazuchika Okada, you've something wrong with you. Like, I like Omega. I kinda like Okada. I'm pretty open when it comes to wrestling. But the moment I tell you that if you don't like someone I like, even people I hold most dearly to my heart like Daniel Bryan or Fred Yehi that you're crazy or wrong or whatever, then that's the moment I want you tell me I'm full of shit and unfollow me. Just because something's not popular or ubiquitous doesn't mean it's bad, and at the heart of why someone might think Inokiism is a meme is people just fucking with those who truly believe something as wildly diverse as wrestling can be viewed in an objective lens.
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