Thursday, August 30, 2018

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 249

Pictured: A movie I have totally (not) seen
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

Of course I've seen Jewel of the Nile*, so I'm going to say absolutely yes!

* - I have not seen Jewel of the Nile.

To answer the follow-up first, without wracking my brain to think of reveals that were good, the ones that come immediately to mind have been god-awful: Black Scorpion, the Higher Power, the Hummer Driver (never solved), who raised the belt on Steve Austin in that ladder match (It was Boss Man, by the way), the Anonymous RAW GM, Hideo Itami's assailant (not revealed, but probably was Kevin Owens before John Cena got him way way WAY over). Maybe the exception, now that I think of it, was when Hulk Hogan was revealed as the third man in the New World Order at Bash at the Beach '96. That reveal was so well-done that it almost doesn't feel like it belongs in the box of wrestling reveals.

As for Aleister Black's assailant, make it Kassius Ohno, and retroactively make him Itami's attacker as well, which would make it extra scandalous since he wasn't a WWE employee at the time. That way, you could show his bitterness festering over the time between his release and rehire. Given that EVOLVE is pseudo-canon for NXT given its proximity, you could definitely build a ramshackle Owens/Sami Zayn "you got signed before me" story despite the fact that it was Chris Hero who helped raise Tommy End to prominence through their matches and the Heroes Eventually Die tag team. The matches would rule too, and it would be great to see Ohno on a Takeover again.

I'd like to think anything I hate now (Nazis, Republican politicians, cheese curls, NFL officials), I hate for a reason. Once upon a time, I had an irrational hatred of Russian people though. I grew out of it, obviously, as hating on someone for their demographic is pretty heinous. That being said, in my "pre-woke period" as the kids call it, I didn't like Russians and it wasn't even tied to politics at all. I don't know. Thankfully, I grew out of it. Russian people are cool with me for the most part. Obviously, not Vladimir Putin or high-level Russian fascists collaborating with the Trump government, but hey, I look at it this way. We as a people are all in the same boat. It doesn't matter if you're American, Russian, Nigerian, Indian, Thai, whatever, most of us are in the struggle. Again, I have good reasons why I hate people or things now, or at least I'd like to think so.

Honestly, most of his time in WWE (I can't speak for pre-nWo WCW), Hulk Hogan was an utter piece of shit. You cited the Savage feud, but man, how many times did that spiteful racist go after people for no reason? Everyone remembers the 1992 Royal Rumble for the Ric Flair/Bobby Heenan magnum opus that it was, and that's fine because those two guys put in WORK in the ring and from the broadcast table respectively. But the other thing that stood out to me most (and to be fair, to a lot of other people too) was how Hogan pitched the biggest bitch fit ever because Sid Justice eliminated him legally. In sane parlance, Hogan illegally eliminating Justice would've been grounds to be the bad guy in an upper midcard feud for the supercard. But Hogan was so fucking self-centered that his pity-party revenge match took him and Justice to the main event of WrestleMania over Savage and Flair feuding over both the WWF Championship AND Flair's misogyny towards Miss Elizabeth. Seriously, what the fuck?

I feel like I've answered this one a bunch of times before, but I don't remember what I had for lunch last Monday let alone questions I've answered three or more TweetBags ago, so without further ado...

1. Prosciutto - The GOAT ham, at least for lunchmeat (if I catch any of you putting jamon iberico on a hoagie, you're guillotine fodder when the revolution comes), prosciutto shows how much better Italians are at lunch than anyone else. Obviously, the French might make better overall charcuterie, but I mean again, you're not putting that shit on a sandwich unless you benefited from the Trump tax cut, right?

2. Capicola (gabagool) - Italians love their goddamn ham, don't they? Anyway, gabagool isn't just a punchline from The Sopranos, it's actually rich and spicy and goes well with any sandwich.

3. Pastrami - Honestly, adding pepper to anything will make it better, unless you have a gallbladder issue and can't eat black pepper. In that case, I am sorry you can't have pastrami. Jewish folks do lunch well too, don't they?

4. Oven-fresh turkey - Most processed turkey breast tastes somewhere between "bland" and "slimy plastic" which I want nowhere near my sandwiches. However, if you find a place that actually carves turkey right off the breast out of the oven, treasure them forever.

5. Hard salami - Again, another Italian lunchmeat rounds out the list. I admit I'm biased. Anyway, gotta love the fatty tang of a good salami.

Unfortunately, I don't think the Meyer scandal has anything to do with withholding payment from the players. Domestic abuse and the culture of covering it up pervades every industry and every level of American society. It itself is a rot that spreads across a wider swath of territory than anything college sports would hope to cover. I mean, NFL players get paid handsomely (albeit not nearly enough compared to the amount of revenue the sport gains at the professional level), and it still has a major problem with dealing with domestic violence. So while I agree that not paying the players has a lot to do with how wretched and depraved college sports are, this Ohio State domestic abuse thing is the rare problem that feels independent of that rot.

I don't have a great handle on card structure, but I know a few names so I'll take a crack at it. In the Red Stars bracket, the three big contenders to me feel like Champion Kagetsu, Jungle Kyona, and Konami. Kagetsu winning her bracket feels a bit boring, so I'll go with the current leader Kyona. In the Blue Stars bracket, I'll be a little spicier and take SHIMMER Champion Nicole Savoy. While it feels like STARDOM is unafraid to put the title on a Western star (like Toni Storm), I'm picking Kyona to win it all.

My lean is that it'll change nothing or make it worse, especially if FOX starts to lean on Vince McMahon about ratings. WWE got those two big money contracts pretty much producing its worst television since the pre-CM Punk days. FOX knows what it's getting into. If the ratings get bad, then McMahon will do something, but for crying out loud, when he does something, it usually is pretty bad nowadays. So WWE won't get "better" from the critical eye of the consensus of people in this bubble you and I call home, but it might or might not do better business. I'm afraid (maybe not afraid but maybe am anticipating?) that the thing that makes WWE "not for me" anymore might happen in this current Fuck Money Era (as I have dubbed it), whether or not it makes gads of money.

Most of the matches aren't really worth predicting. I feel like someone boring is going to win the ROH Battle Royale, which will lead to Jay Lethal retaining. Nick Aldis will drop the National Wrestling Alliance title to Cody Rhodes. Most of the other matches are either academic (no way Kazuchika Okada loses to Marty Scurll nor will the IWGP World Champion lose to a guy big in Mexico in the States) or won't be judged on results rather on quality or STARZZZZZZZZ if you're one of those people (like Golden Elite/Lucha Guys). So that leaves one burning question...

Will CM Punk show up?

The answer to that question is murky, even with the inclusion of Colt Cabana in the pre-show battle royale. One would think that booking Cabana, who is currently suing Punk for legal fees, would put a big fat NO on those rumors. Still, I can't shake the feeling he's going to be there to do something, whether just to cut a promo or to do a run-in of some kind. Remember, this show is not the independent fete it was sold as when it first started. Both Sinclair and Bushiroad were revealed to have skin in the game, which explains some of the decisions in putting the card together. If they wanted to have Punk and Cabana in the same building, then they'll get them in the same building. So I'm gonna put the odds at 50 percent that Punk is there. If he is, then hoo boy. That's all I gotta say.

I don't.

I'm not saying McMahon will never go INTO the WWE Hall of Fame. It just won't happen until he's dead. While he's such an egomaniac in so many other regards, I think he's the kind of guy who shows how "humble" he is by not lavishing himself with fake honors. It's a hollow "humility," obviously, but it's one that will keep him out of the Hall until he's not the one deciding who goes in or not.

For one, WrestleMania IX ends on a much higher note. Instead of jerk-ass Hogan coming out and usurping Bret Hart to take down Yokozuna, Savage and Hart wrestle in what would probably be another one of the Macho Man's Mania classics. One of them would probably turn heel afterwards, leaning towards Savage, but the more interesting option would've been Hart, who didn't have a big run on top as a heel before being thrust into the top babyface role. Either way, the faith that McMahon showed to Savage would have kept him from jumping to WCW. He would've had his three-year program with Shawn Michaels and possibly even worked with early "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Savage in Attitude Era WWE would have been interesting to say the least, although I'm not sure if it would've been for the better or worse critically. After his in-ring career ended, he would have cycled into the color commentator's chair for good after Jerry Lawler quit in 2001 over The Kat's dismissal. WWE never would've brought Lawler back, Savage would've been inducted into the Hall of Fame when he was alive, and he might even still be alive today given circumstances would've changed.

That being said, the world would've been deprived of Be A Man, his stunning rap debut, so I think things turned out for the best.

My first inclination would have been to say Kassius Ohno, since he's already mastered the Grumpy Old Man worker, first perfected in Japan by Genichiro Tenryu. However, after further rumination, Ohno is anything but washed. He might be cooler than most people in the business and definitely of those who are fans of it. So my next choice would be John Cena. I mean, the only thing keeping him from embracing his total dadness is the fact that he's not sired any children yet. He wears jorts and loves cars. He makes corny jokes and often tries way too hard to impress the young'uns in the ring nowadays. He's even letting his hair grow out before he starts balding. Hell, he even played a washed dad in Blockers. All he has to do is let it fully germinate in a pro wrestling ring. Do it, John, be the dad everyone wants you to be.
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