Tuesday, September 4, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for September 4, 2018

Salute all those who work
Photo via The Builders' Association Site
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. The Proletariat (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I meant to post this yesterday, which would have made the top ranking make a little more sense. Labor Day celebrates the working human (no matter how much jingoistic fuckers want to tell you otherwise). That being said, people barely recognize the proletariat on Labor Day anymore. Again, the Right tries to make it yet another holiday to celebrate The Troopz™ like they do with every other non-religious holiday (although coming soon to a Nativity scene near you, American soldiers guarding the manger with AR-15s, at least that's my bet). Yesterday, the plot got even more knocked off its axis when Nike decided to unveil Colin Kaepernick as one of its new spokespeople, setting conservative Twitter aflame, literally, over the blatant DISRESPECT shown to The Troopz™. Not that I want to get into the quagmire of Kaepernick's protest (even though I have a clear stance, one that agrees with him), mainly because it muddles the real message of Labor Day.

That message is that the working people of the world need to be appreciated and celebrated, because that pretty much encapsulates everyone who isn't some trust fund dipshit or robber baron in the one percent. The amount of working class folks who side with the right on issues of labor is embarrassing, and it's not necessarily their fault. They are promised the American dream of getting rich, so any assault on the rich is an assault on their future selves, selves they were sold at ripoff prices for how unrealistic they are. It's brainwashing, and these people end up believing lies so that the insulated rich get to break their unions, steal their wages, and withhold their benefits without so much as a slap on the wrist.

Now, more than ever, folks need to remember that the working human deserves all the love and praise for building the modern world that those born into capital or those who gamed the system without doing a thousandth of the work that the average wage earner does in a single day get. This means every worker, not just the ones you feel are "skilled." You think a McDonalds burger flipper's work isn't important? Keep that in mind when it's 11 PM, you're hungry, and you don't feel like firing up your grill. That's a premium service, bucko. The same goes for the WalMart cashier who has to deal with your ass reaming them out because some other dipshit customer put a full-price pair of jeans in the clearance rack by accident, or the sex worker giving you a lap dance because you're too self-centered or unhygienic or aloof to be able to get someone to do it for you for free, or anyone in any other line of work you feel "unimportant." I guarantee you, if those "no-skill" jobs went away, you'd feel the fucking crunch right away.

So maybe it's appropriate to post this thing a day late, because all of the world's citizens, you and me and everyone else, should appreciate what the proletariat does on a daily basis. Odds are if you read this blog, you are a member of it. Even if you're without a job right now, you're either only in between jobs, or if you've got health reasons why you can't work, you probably depend on someone who does have a job, whether directly or through taxes which are collected disproportionately from the working classes above an obscenely rich class that ends up skirting its fair share thanks to shithead Randian Republicans like Paul Ryan, who saw a challenge from Randy Bryce, shit his pants, and "retired" to a cushy life of lobbying. We need to stand together in solidarity, because without us, the world doesn't work. Period.

2. Fire Ant (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Fire Ant has become the Peyton Manning of King of Trios, as he led a totally different Colony to the crown this year. In 2011, he teamed with Soldier and Green Ants. This year, it was Thief and... Green Ants. Well, this Green Ant was different than the other Green Ant, who then became Silver Ant. Anyway, Fire Ant deserves a round of applause, not just for notching his second medallion, but for being one of the most consistently entertaining high flying wrestlers on the indies for the last decade. In a scene where you either get signed by a big company or you end up retiring due to injuries, Fire Ant going this hard for this long is a feat. Put some respect on his dang name from now on if you weren't already, okay?

3. Kagetsu (Last Week: 2) - The Prime Minister of the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM is keeping pace in her block of the 5Star Grand Prix, earning six points so far. It's amazing she's gotten this far given that she also is agitating Stateside. Word is that John McCain's funeral wasn't meant to last nearly a whole week, but that it's an elaborate cover for a hostage situation with Hana Kimura running point. Kagetsu is so close to toppling several world governments, she can taste it.

4. Madison Eagles (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Speaking of King of Trios competitors who deserve some due, Eagles got to lock up with Mike Quackenbush Night Three in exhibition action in a match that is probably seven years overdue. A long time ago, Eagles was an actual member of the Chikara roster, and she was set to take on Kana (now Asuka, remember her?) during her excursion in the company. However, injury luck befell her, and then it befell her again when she came all the way back from the original malady. Now, she seems to be on the right path, and people are finally starting to realize that she's not only an elite wrestler, but one who would've just dominated the scene had she stayed healthy.

5. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 4) - I'm not gonna lie to you. I have no idea what Bryan is doing outside of possibly wrestling Andrade Cien Almas on last week's show? Not even the Greatest of All-Time can get me to watch WWE weekly at this point, which should show you how repulsive RAW and Smackdown are. Then again, maybe if they do Bryan/Almas again on free TV, I might have to go back.

6. Bacon and Cheddar Bratwurst (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Labor Day is for appreciating the working class, but the best way to appreciate them is to, well, sit back and eat grilled foods. Our family has discovered bacon and cheddar bratwurst, and our lives have changed irrevocably for the better. One might think it to be pork overload. OH NO, IT'S NOT. Pick up a pack today, unless you're vegan or lactose intolerant, in either case, well, I appreciate either your choice or respect your chronic condition and hope you find similar happiness with a food you can eat.

7. Ryan Howard (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The Big Piece officially retired today as a member of the Phillies. If you're not of a certain age, you might only remember him for his contract, which in the shadow of this Labor Day, is criminal. The contract was expensive, no doubt, but when you realize that labor is entitled to everything it creates, and that Howard's most productive years were when he was under salary control, he deserved every penny of that deal and maybe even much more. You couldn't buy production better than what Howard gave between 2006 and 2009, when he socked dingers like it was nothing. Even though guys like Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Cole Hamels were more celebrated and were good for a lot longer than Howard, the Phils don't win that series or go again in 2009 without him, and you could argue that his downturn starting in 2010 was the reason why the team couldn't get past the Giants or Cardinals in those respective years. He's an indelible part of Phillies history, and I'm beyond glad to have seen him play.

8. Doug Pederson (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Some folks accused Pederson of gamesmanship by waiting so long to announce the starting quarterback for the season opener Thursday, and even though he's denied it (and I believe him), I can see where those calls were coming from. Pederson may not have been the Coach of the Year because Rams coach Sean McVay wowed everyone with his mastery of playcalling and offensive scheme, but he rode wit and guile further than any coach in the league. The NFL is famous for cowards under the headset, but Pederson showed that throwing away a risk-averse strategy is the key to success. It's why I think even if Bad Foles shows up on Thursday, the Eagles still have a great shot of beating a good Falcons team. Sometimes, football is about taking the big risk when everyone else shrinks.

9. Jordynne Grace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I didn't want not to leave out All In, since it was a rousing success on Saturday. The only problem is all the usual suspects are so uncool that it hurts. SO I'm going with Grace. Even though she only worked the pre-show battle royale, she was able to leave a big impression, squatting Brian Cage during said battle royale and standing up to human shitstain Bully Ray before he tossed her (boo!). The takes around All In are toxic, but hey, at least folks like Grace got to show their wares for a bigger-than-usual audience.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Week: 10) - It's football season, so Oney Lorcan is here for porkin' the ball down the field!