Monday, September 17, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for September 17, 2018

Photo Credit: Jon SooWoo/UPI
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Carson Wentz (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - After the Eagles loss to the Buccaneers yesterday, the team needed some good news, and they got it. Carson Wentz is starting Sunday! Hallelujah! After missing nine months with a shredded knee, he comes back in hopes of leading a repeat. While I fully believe the team would've won the Super Bowl with him at quarterback had he been healthy, it'll be nice to see him be able to try and make the hypothetical become corporeal.

2. Jeff Cobb (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - The big beefy boi won himself the Battle of Los Angeles in perhaps the most interesting and loaded field ever, taking out Shingo Takagi and Bandido in the finals. I wonder if he celebrated by going to Disneyland? I mean, it's right there. IT'S RIGHT THERE, MAN.

3. Kagetsu (Last Poll: 3) - In the driver's seat for the 5Star Grand Prix and on the cusp of world domination? Of COURSE that's the perfect time for the Prime Minister of the Glorious People's Republic of STARDOM to get stabbed in the back. I never trusted Hana Kimura, and neither should have you. Regardless, Kagetsu remains focused on taking down the world order and restoring it with pure Joshi power while making sure the traitorous Kimura hangs for her crimes.

4. Daniel Bryan (Last Poll: 5) - WWE pay-per-views are probably going to continue being an exercise at seeing how well the talent can exert themselves and make the show entertaining before the booking just derails any goodwill by the finish. You saw it in the WWE Championship match when the company used the pin-while-still-in-a-chokehold finish AGAIN (although this time complete with ATTEMPTED DUSTY FINISH). You saw it in the main event, when they had the fuckin' audacity to run a non-finish in a Hell in the Cell match just to have Brock Lesnar show up to get a Saudi payday. You saw it in the Bryan and Brie Bella/Miz and Maryse mixed tag match when they prolonged the feud even further, which isn't the big offense since their final match deserves to be on a huger stage, but that they had the two less skilled performers do the funny finish instead of Bryan and Miz. Eh, who cares, I get the Network for 205 Live, NXT, and the boutique tourneys nowadays. The main roster shit is comedy anyway.

5. Porcini Mushroom-Rubbed Ribeye Steak with Balsamic Glaze (Last Poll: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - So the Mrs. and I celebrated our anniversary at the Capital Grille, and surprise, it was fantastic. Who knew rubbing the best-marbled cut of beef with mushroom dust would make it super flavorful? Oh yeah, I did. Highly recommend that steak if you feel like going big for a meal.

6. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - So the big flap on the dipshit fash media is that Ocasio-Cortez is wearing designer clothes, which apparently, if you're socialist, you're not allowed to own things. Barring the fact that socialism doesn't mean living in poverty (you must be confusing socialism with the Catholic vow of poverty some orders of nuns and priests take up), Ocasio-Cortez took to Twitter to let these mental Lilliputians know the deal. She's taken flak over the weeks for some centrist positions, but no candidate is perfect, and honestly, she's a lot closer to the ideal than anyone else on the national stage (lookin' at you, Bernie). I can't wait until she wins her seat. Hopefully, she puts her money where her mouth is, but also in the pockets of people who aren't already super rich.

7. Nick Gage (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Nick Gage is antifa.

8. PCO (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Cobb wasn't the only huge star at BOLA, obviously. Apparently, PCO chokeslammed two guys and tombstoned a third one simultaneously in one of his matches over the weekend. When the dude says he isn't human, I think he means it.

9. Jordynne Grace (Last Poll: 9) - I'd like to just put Grace on here because she fuckin' owns (and she does), but apparently, some scumfucker leaked female wrestler nudes on the Internet over the weekend, and she had to call them out over it. I mean, with the availability of people who want to show you their private parts on the Internet these days, one might think the demand for stolen photographs (and make no mistake about it, they are stolen) would decrease, but people don't just wanna gawk at someone like Gianna Michaels or Alexis Texas or whatever. Fuck that. If you steal pictures of anyone against their will, whether or not you steal the media itself or steal a look at them, you're scum and deserve to be ostracized.

10. Oney Lorcan (Last Poll: 10) - Do you remember, the 21st day of September, when Oney Lorcan was here for porkin'.