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| THE IMPORTANT ISSUES: WHO WOULD TAKE THIS GUY'S FINISH BEST? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
ANYWAY, far be it from me to comment on the state of politics, unless it's that racist Hogan again trying to get New Day released so he can reform the group with him, Horace, and the Booty Man, but it has come to my attention that Donald Trump is the President. Sorry, I'm just finding this out because I have BLOCKED CNN and all other channels that aren't FITE TV and New Japan World in my compound. YOU FUCKERS WILL WATCH OMEGA AND OKADA WRESTLE ALL THE TIME OR ELSE YOU WILL TASTE MY BLADE. I don't know much about Trump other than he is in the WWE Hall of Fame for some reason. Whatever reason it is, it's an ABOMINATION, as you should have to be able to properly sell a Stone Cold Stunner if you want to be in the Hall. And if you need that to be in some bullshit kayfabe Hall of Fame, you need that and MORE to be the leader of the free world. What kind of horseshit happened that let this slovenly loser be President? HE HOSTED TWO OF THE WORST WRESTLEMANIAS OF ALL TIME, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Seriously, look at this. LOOK AT IT:
I've seen better sell-jobs from Scott Hall after he had just gotten back from bottle service! Fuck, WHY WOULD ANYONE ALLOW THIS FOOTAGE TO REMAIN? If I were Vince McMahon, I would give it the Chris Benoit treatment RIGHT NOW. Anyway, this country needs better leadership from someone who can take Stone Cold Steve Austin's finisher without looking like a total goon. That's why I have registered Democrat in as many states as I could, which at this count is 37, thanks to my fake ID maker Stavros. He's currently at an impasse right now because he doesn't think working around the clock with no food or water breaks is cruel and unusual. LOOK PAL, THE FUTURE OF THIS NATION IS AT STAKE HERE, just be lucky you're not working for Todd Martin. I hear if his interns don't tweet "WWE needs to simply make more stars" every hour on the hour, he whips them with a riding crop. Jeez.
Anyway, I had to vet the field to make sure that these candidates knew the IMPORTANT ISSUES, namely, how well they'd sell a Stone Cold Stunner. I did EXTENSIVE RESEARCH on each candidate, and the following is what I found:
Cory Booker - Eh, not good form, not bad, but I was highly disturbed when he wanted to eschew the Beer Bash afterwards for Austin to just chow down on Oxycontin. And why did he bring the CEO of Purdue Pharma to ringside? Weird.
Beto O'Rourke - He talked a big game beforehand, but when Austin went to stun him, it was just fucking like Trump. Jesus, is he really a Democrat?
John Delaney - That's not a real person. You can't fool me.
Pete Buttigieg - I don't remember much about his stunner, because I got word that my compound was being seized by the government due to eminent domain. I don't know if I can put two and two together here, but I have a strange feeling.
Kirsten Gillibrand - Honestly, I don't even remember her coming in. Was she the prosecutor? No, no, I'm getting her mixed up with someone else. Fuck.
Jay Inslee - Are you fucking with me here? Like, he can't be a real person.
John Hickenlooper - He refused to take the stunner until Undertaker taped glass to his fists and threatened him... wait, no, that was HickenBOTTOM who did that. Wait, if Michaels isn't running for President, who the fuck is this guy?
Tulsi Gabbard - She just no-sold the kick to the gut and then just started "ASSAD RULES! ASSAD RULES! FUCK YES!" She's almost as bad as Stephanie.
Andrew Yang - He never came from backstage, too busy talking crypto with Dolph Ziggler. Pass.
Amy Klobuchar - She sold the Stunner fine, but then got back up and just tore into Austin for his poor form. To be fair, it was like Austin's eighth stunner of the day, but man, I have never seen anyone so animated and angry before. Like, she dropped a profanity-laced tirade that would make Vince blush. I offered her my chief-of-staff position right there but she flipped me off and stole my car.
Bill deBlasio - He shook off the Stunner and just yelled EY, I'M SELLIN' OVA HEEYAH. I dunno, it was still better than Ospreay.
Seth Moulton - What the fuck, has the NXT Name Generator been granted the power of spontaneous generation? That's the only thing I can think of to justify who this person is. My God.
Joe Biden - I never got a chance to see him, because he was escorted off-site for some reason. I think I heard he was going around smelling random women's hair? Ah well, I also heard Nia Jax decked him, which makes sense.
Kamala Harris - In a surprise move, she just slapped cuffs on Austin and arrested him for public drunkenness before he could do anything. I don't necessarily approve of the action, but I'm too afraid to fully condemn her. I have a dark past, man. A real dark past.
Elizabeth Warren - She took the stunner probably the best out of everyone, but then everyone else there with me started saying she took it too good, and then Tatanka for some reason showed up. I think maybe I was on acid for that one, because then Ted DiBiase showed up out of nowhere and did his laugh, and Warren joined in with him. I gotta kick hallucinogens, man.
Bernie Sanders - He only agreed to take a stunner if he could also take everyone else's finish on the roster, including Curt Hawkins' never-before-seen move called the Slicerfire. I fell asleep halfway through, somewhere between the Kinshasa and the Gu-Lock.
Mike Gravel - I was surprised to find out that Gravel was actually dead, and his body was being propped up, Weekend at Bernie's-style by a group of sassy teens, who proceeded to kick my ass and steal my wallet. Joke's on them; all my credit cards are maxed out, and the only currency I have on me is in the form of Bison Bucks, for some reason. To be fair, for me, it was when M. Bison came to my village, but for him, it was only a Tuesday.
So, the above is my IN-DEPTH analysis of the most important issues to date. As for whom I'm endorsing, well, the Gravel teens threatened to plant drugs on me and air-drop me into Shinzo Abe's office if I didn't endorse their dead guy candidate, so Horb Flerbminber officially endorses Mike Gravel for President of the United States in 2020.
