Monday, August 12, 2019

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for August 12, 2019

Photo Credit: Red Shoes Unno
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Kota Ibushi (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Hey, he won the G1 Classic after starting 0-2, and he (presumably, I haven't seen his last two matches yet) didn't have to kill himself to do it! He also spared us the pain of having to see the Knife Pervert headline The Dome. I mean, Jay White is a good heel and all, but if I want an opponent for the presumable IWGP Heavyweight Champion Kazuchika Okada on January 4, I want one who can keep up with him.

2. Simone Biles (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She pulled off a triple-double, which is more impressive in gymnastics than the basketball item of that name. Biles won her sixth straight gymnastics all-around Championship. Will she help the US bring home gold in Tokyo? Only if she doesn't get sidetracked and sign with STARDOM first.

3. Orange Cassidy (Last Week: 5) - Hey, no big deal, but he signed with All Elite Wrestling today. Whoa.

4. Toru Yano (Last Week: 8) - Yano didn't win the G1, but he earned eight points. I bet no one else thought to tie Jon Moxley's ankles together and pull Tetsuya Naito's shirt over his head to get wins. That's why he's the smartest wrestler in the game.

5. Maki Itoh (Last Week: 9) - Look she's already prepared for your tweets.

6. Empanadas (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Mexican food gets the most pub for cuisine south of the Rio Grande River, but have you considered empanadas? Several cultures can claim a version of them - Colombia, Puerto Rico, even Venezuela. No matter what country though? You can bet you're getting a good meal if they're on the menu.

7. Fish Tube (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Of course I was away from the Internet when this meme broke, but it's weird and almost as good as 30-50 feral hogs. Almost.

8. Conspiracy Theorists (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I try to keep this light, but I gotta say something about billionaire child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein's death under dubious circumstances Friday night. It was ruled a suicide, but people came out of the woodwork to claim something was amiss here. And they would be right. Several powerful and filthy rich people probably wouldn't have been punished if Epstein lived and blabbed, but they don't know that. Rich people are fucking stupid and paranoid. There's no justice in the world. But they have to keep their loose ends tied up, right? Bill Clinton and Donald Trump were both in Epstein's ledger. You don't think the former could've called in a favor at the prison, or the latter could have, y'know, executive ordered a lax in the suicide watch for a clear suicide risk? It's one scenario where the theories work.

But that doesn't stop toadies in the media from coming out with tut-tutting of people pushing conspiracies. I'm not linking the tweets, but people actually think that he was depressed and killed himself and people shouldn't speculate. Bullshit. Epstein was a billionaire off the literal kidnapping and rape of children for the pleasure of filthy rich scum. He doesn't deserve to get careposting about depression. He caused it in the victims who didn't die in his "care." People peddling this shit are either naive or they're trying to sell something. The prison has already released excuses that the guards were on major overtime and were tired and blah blah blah. Again, bullshit. If that prison wanted Jeffrey Epstein alive, they would've kept him alive. End of story. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.

9. Sadika (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Hey, to cleanse your palate, do you wanna see a deathmatch that starts with Sadika wailing on her opponent with a light tube while she's grinding on the referee? OF COURSE YOU DO!

10. Otis Dozovic (Last Week: 10) -