Monday, January 13, 2020

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for January 13, 2020

Photo Credit: Robert Starkz-Bellamy
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Warhorse (Last Week: Not Ranked) - WHO IS THE INDEPENDENT CHAMPION AND WHO RULES ASS? Warhorse is, buddy. It's about time TWB recognizes this stalwart Champion, who has been holding down the fort since he won the title from Erick Stevens (who won it from Orange Cassidy). Plus, he and Danhausen have a Mania Weekend show where the loser of a match between Shazza McKenzie and Allie Kat Bat gets sacrificed to Satan. How can you not love that?

2. Tetsuya Naito (Last Week: 1) - I think winning two nights at The Dome is worth two weeks on the list, right? Wait, are you guys gonna start comparing me to Dave Meltzer? Please don't or I'll start quote-tweeting 31-follower accounts on Twitter in an attempt to dunk on them and cover for alleged abusers because they give me good quotes.

3. Maki Itoh (Last Week: 4) - Session Moth Martina and Maki Itoh are friends now? THE WORLD IS FUCKED.

4. Derrick Henry (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Derrick Henry popped off for 195 yards and a passing touchdown to help the Tennessee Titans upset the heavily favored Baltimore Ravens in Baltimore. The common logic in the NFL now is that you pass to win. Even though none of the top five passers by yardage made the playoffs, you could argue that most of the teams left, even Tennessee, had efficient enough passing attacks to make a run work. But honestly, while I believe in passing the football and scoring as many points as possible, in the NFL, as with any sport, you win by any means necessary. If your game is running the football in order to shorten a game to maximize the wind of your defense, then by all means do that. The Titans knocked off the Patriots last week to advance and the Texans two weeks ago to clinch their playoff berth altogether. If they beat the Chiefs next week, they'll have beaten all AFC Division Champions en route to the Super Bowl in consecutive weeks. A lot of that has to do with the big legs and strong back of the Heisman Trophy winner out of Alabama.

5. Brian Cage (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The FUCKIN MACHINE signed with All Elite Wrestling yesterday, which makes so much sense since all his buddies from Pro Wrestling Guerrilla and Lucha Underground are there anyway. While he's not as tall as other hosses, Cage has enough muscle mass to choke a bull elephant, which is what makes his adventures into Khan Land so exciting.

6. Breakfast for Dinner (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Breakfast is an undefeated meal at breakfast time, but at dinner, you can have a beer with it and people won't yell at you. Score.

7. Orange Cassidy (Last Week: 5) - Yeah, like, who cares?

8. Adam Sandler (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sandler stepped out of his fart joke bubble to star in the thriller Uncut Gems, generating a lot of buzz for awards season. It's nothing new for Sandler, to be honest. While everyone knows him from his dumb-as-shit comedies, whether funny like Billy Madison or cringe-inducing like Grown-Ups 2, he's shown he can be a phenomenal actor in movies like Spanglish and Punch-Drunk Love. That's why the outrage was high when he was snubbed for a nomination for Best Actor in the Academy Awards and that the movie itself was left off for tepid satire Jojo Rabbit, war porn 1917, and a superhero movie that had just enough seriousness to get recognized in Joker. Maybe it's Sandler's own fault for making awful movies non-stop between his brilliant turns, but honestly, if you had autonomy like he did, and people paid for your product regardless, would you stop doing what you were doing? I didn't think so.

9. The Turtle Who Fucks (Last Week: Not Ranked) - You ever find your species endangered, so you just fuck until you've made enough children to keep it going. This turtle did. This turtle fucking rules.

10. Tony Schiavone (Last Week: 10) - Well wrestling fans, after two episodes in 2020, Dynamite has hit a stride. Will we get even more outrageous this week? Well, I can tell you that The Butcher will be wrestling a be... oh, that's all the time we have this week! Tune in next week for The Wrestling Blog's Best in the World Rankings!