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| Jaccpot Photo Credit: Bill Streicher/USA Today Sports |
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:
1. DeSean Jackson (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Jackson returned to the Eagles yesterday to catch two 50+ yard touchdown passes, torching both his former team, the Landover Racial Slurs, and also, albeit indirectly, the coach who cut him for racist reasons, Chip Kelly. Sure, Kelly may have scurried to California to coach college ball (terribly, I might add), but that doesn't mean this wasn't even more egg on his face seeing Jackson after four years away come back and catch tuddies like he didn't miss a beat in midnight green. It is great to have him back.
2. Orange Cassidy (Last Poll: 3) - So, he like showed up at All Out and became the third Best Friend. So what, like, that could have happened at any time, okay.
3. Nyla Rose (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Rose became the first All Elite Women's Champion at All Out, thus owning all the transphobes who say that trans women aren't women. They are! And they can be fierce and fearsome wrestlers too, dorks.
4. Maki Itoh (Last Poll: 5) - What a beautiful master of language, even after getting bloodied in war against a literal demon.
5. Jason Peters (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - At 37 years old, Peters played all 75 offensive snaps in the Eagles' win yesterday at one of the most demanding positions on the field. Like Mark Henry in his salmon suit, he's still got a lot in the tank, and the Slurs' defensive front were all a bunch of puppets.
6. Crabcakes (Last Poll: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Nothing beats a good crabcake, like the one I had for dinner last night, which was golden fried and creamy but not fishy-tasting. It's a good thing to live near Maryland and thus have their crabcake prowess waft north and east.
7. Ophidian (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - The leader of the Crucible won the Johnny Kidd Invitational, and although he couldn't wrest the title of head trainer from Mike Quackenbush, he might just win that Grand Championship and secure victory for his cult! Hooray cults!
8. Antonio Brown (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Look, he might have descended into madness and signed with one of the most evil franchises in sports, but he called Mike Mayock a cracker in the process. I stan a King. It should also be mentioned that Brown didn't start acting up until noted accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger started feuding with him in Pittsburgh, because nothing is ever that lummox's fault. Anyway, the Patriots, Brown's new team, shitkicked the Steelers last night, 33-3 (even though he wasn't allowed to play), which might be the only time I was somewhat satisfied to see the Pats win a game.
9. Toru Yano (Last Poll: 4) - The fourth DLC character for Super Smash Bros.: Ultimate was announced as Terry Bogard from the SNK fighting games, which can only mean since they're trending obscure and Japanese that Yano is the fifth and final character to be announced. Huzzah!
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Poll: Here for Porkin') - Sorry, I ran out of Otis Dozovic gifs, so allow me to go back to a classic, okay?
1. DeSean Jackson (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Jackson returned to the Eagles yesterday to catch two 50+ yard touchdown passes, torching both his former team, the Landover Racial Slurs, and also, albeit indirectly, the coach who cut him for racist reasons, Chip Kelly. Sure, Kelly may have scurried to California to coach college ball (terribly, I might add), but that doesn't mean this wasn't even more egg on his face seeing Jackson after four years away come back and catch tuddies like he didn't miss a beat in midnight green. It is great to have him back.
2. Orange Cassidy (Last Poll: 3) - So, he like showed up at All Out and became the third Best Friend. So what, like, that could have happened at any time, okay.
3. Nyla Rose (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Rose became the first All Elite Women's Champion at All Out, thus owning all the transphobes who say that trans women aren't women. They are! And they can be fierce and fearsome wrestlers too, dorks.
4. Maki Itoh (Last Poll: 5) - What a beautiful master of language, even after getting bloodied in war against a literal demon.
5. Jason Peters (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - At 37 years old, Peters played all 75 offensive snaps in the Eagles' win yesterday at one of the most demanding positions on the field. Like Mark Henry in his salmon suit, he's still got a lot in the tank, and the Slurs' defensive front were all a bunch of puppets.
6. Crabcakes (Last Poll: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Nothing beats a good crabcake, like the one I had for dinner last night, which was golden fried and creamy but not fishy-tasting. It's a good thing to live near Maryland and thus have their crabcake prowess waft north and east.
7. Ophidian (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - The leader of the Crucible won the Johnny Kidd Invitational, and although he couldn't wrest the title of head trainer from Mike Quackenbush, he might just win that Grand Championship and secure victory for his cult! Hooray cults!
8. Antonio Brown (Last Poll: Not Ranked) - Look, he might have descended into madness and signed with one of the most evil franchises in sports, but he called Mike Mayock a cracker in the process. I stan a King. It should also be mentioned that Brown didn't start acting up until noted accused rapist Ben Roethlisberger started feuding with him in Pittsburgh, because nothing is ever that lummox's fault. Anyway, the Patriots, Brown's new team, shitkicked the Steelers last night, 33-3 (even though he wasn't allowed to play), which might be the only time I was somewhat satisfied to see the Pats win a game.
9. Toru Yano (Last Poll: 4) - The fourth DLC character for Super Smash Bros.: Ultimate was announced as Terry Bogard from the SNK fighting games, which can only mean since they're trending obscure and Japanese that Yano is the fifth and final character to be announced. Huzzah!
10. Oney Lorcan (Last Poll: Here for Porkin') - Sorry, I ran out of Otis Dozovic gifs, so allow me to go back to a classic, okay?
