Nuclear Blast Commence: Royal Rumble 2013 Review

The look on Lilian Garcia's face says it all.
Photo Credit: WWE.com

TEEEEEEE-AITCH STYLE~!

Highlights:

• Alberto del Rio retained the World Heavyweight Championship against Big Show in a Last Man Standing match by having Ricardo Rodriguez tape Show's legs to the bottom rope while del Rio had him in the cross armbreaker.
• Daniel Bryan and Kane retained the Tag Team Championships as Bryan tapped out Damien Sandow with the NO! Lock.
• In a match that saw the return of Chris Jericho and Kofi Kingston using an office chair to escape certain elimination, John Cena last eliminated Ryback to win the Royal Rumble match.
• Despite attaining an apparent win via shenanigans from an unknown assailant during an arena-wide blackout, CM Punk lost the WWE Championship after a Vince McMahon-ordered restart to The Rock and his People's Elbow.

General Observations:

• Hey, what was Bret Hart doing wandering around backstage? I will admit though, him giving the sunglasses to Ricardo Rodriguez was heartwarming.
• I have to admit, I had heart palpitations when Alberto del Rio and Big Show battled up to the elevated Rumble set near the back of the stage. Then, they went on top of the stage, and del Rio went FULL ZIGGLER taking the chokeslam through the table.
• Sometimes, I wonder if Ricardo Rodriguez is the real star of the act. I cringed when del Rio bumped through the table, but when Show ragdolled Rodriguez into the barricade later on? I winced and was all like "No!" He really is the best babyface manager of all-time. Okay, that's hyperbole, but not by much.
• I didn't understand the logic of del Rio working the arm at first, but some of the visuals of him doing it, especially whacking Show's arm with a chair laid on the steps, were fantastic.
• FIRE EXTINGUISHER! I don't care if it doesn't do real damage. I will always mark for the fire extinguisher.
• Okay, the finish. I realize it was bitten off the John Cena/Batista Extreme Rules match from 2010. IT was still cool to watch Ricardo Rodriguez finally give Show his comeuppance for bullying him. I wish they would've found a better way and held off on the duct tape for another few years, but hey, WWE Creative, everyone.
• Big E. Langston's old-timey radio voice. Yes. All the yesses.
• Okay, we'll save some "yesses" for Antonio Cesaro's "WAH-BANG" during that promo montage by all the Rumble competitors.
• Y'know, for as good as all four guys in the match were, the Tag Championship match was a disappointment. IT was still good, but there really wasn't anything memorable in it.
• Okay, I was lying. There was something memorable here, and it was Bryan drawing a "Dazzler, Dazzler" chant. But no guys, these ROH vanilla midgets will never get over in WWE. Nope.
• "I showed you mine, now you have to show me yours!" Daniel Bryan, showing he and Kane can even elevate Vince McMahon's favorite trope, the dick joke
• Ziggler came out as #1, and who's #2? The lights went down, the pyro exploded, and the silhouette in dazzling LED formed against the dark, arms outstretched. Chris freakin' Jericho. Well done, guys. Well done.
• Within three minutes, Jericho got a "You still got it!" chant. Really, Phoenix? Really? Ugh. ALL THE UGHS.
• No, really, THE GUY WAS ON THE GODDAMN ACTIVE ROSTER FIVE MONTHS PRIOR AND YOU'RE CHANTING YOU STILL GOT IT AT HIM WHAT THE SHIT, DID THE IMPACT ZONE PACK UP AND TRAVEL ALONG I-10 JUST TO CHANT THAT AT A GUY WHO CLEARLY WAS NEVER IN DANGER OF LOSING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? Oh man, I really flipped out there, didn't I? Sorry, that just touches a nerve.
• Jericho locked in the Walls on Cody Rhodes. Not the stupid bullshit Boston crab he passed off as the Walls because of whatever, but the goddamn actual Liontamer. A sight for sore eyes.
• Fifth guy in the match was Santino Marella, another legit surprise if only because I've read reports that he screwed up his neck really, really badly. I loved the mini-story told with his quick entry and exit, dumping all four guys in the ring over the top rope onto the apron before they all descended on him like a pack of wolves. He broke out the Cobra, and I was reminded that no matter how much watered-down bullshit WWE asks him to partake in, the man still has the comedic timing and facial expressiveness to create some of the most memorable moments on any given show.
• GOLDUST! GOLDUST! AND HE WENT RIGHT AFTER HIS BROTHER!
• Hey, where have you been, David Otunga? AND HOLY CRAP, where'd you get that shiner?
• Sheamus came in and the first guy he went right after was Goldust. Well, I thought it was good synergy, but then again, I may have been WWECW's biggest fan ever.
• Don't think I didn't see you doing Gangnam Style, Brodus Clay.
• Rhodes flipped his brother over the top onto the apron, then proceeded to grab him by the head, run full speed, and slam him right into the ringpost. Goldie then bumped hard to the floor in what I'm calling maybe the most brutal Rumble elimination in the last four years. I'm starting to think that insanity and wrestling ability are both genetic in the Rhodes family.
• Rey Mysterio! And he's graduated from t-shirt to singlet!
• Kofi Kingston eliminated Tensai, then got knocked from the apron onto Tensai, who was all deus ex machinaing on the outside. (Or would that be deus ex hoss?) He went to the Spanish announce table, then thought about leaping until he thought he might trip over the table top, smash his head on the floor, and legit think that he was a real wildcat. He took the smart route and borrowed JBL's chair to chair-hop to the ring. Some thought it was a dud. I thought it was clever. Sometimes, the best elimination avoidances don't need to be all spectacle and can involve just a little bit of engineering prowess.
• Bo Dallas entered at 16th and proceeded to alternate between laying in the corner like dudes in Rumbles of yore or flail on dudes. We'll get back to him later, because he actually did serve a purpose.
• And at number 17? THE GODFATHER? That's how we all knew Linda McMahon wasn't going to run for the Senate again. Of course, his entry into the Rumble was quickly followed by getting Hulk Hogan'd by Ziggler. But hey, Godfather was all entrance anyway, right?
• Bryan entered at 21st, and Kane entered at 24th. It kinda made the whole "dick joke" segment seem like Bryan was angry for only having a 7" cock, while Kane was laughing because his was 7.75". Hey, I'm just working in the milieu I'm given here.
• Bryan dumped Kane over the top and laughed at him, only to have Antonio Cesaro (2/3rds of Team Uppercut!) toss him over the top into Kane's waiting arms. Bryan begged for mercy, Kane denied it, and I smiled heartily because THEY'RE THE BEST! YES! YES! YES!
• And the mythical 27th spot went to... Jinder Mahal. Yep, safe to say he wasn't going to be the fifth guy to win from that spot. Nope.
• Bo Dallas eliminated Wade Barrett, and then RED BELLY came back and spitefully eliminated him, then Bullhammered him for his efforts. Okay, so it wasn't Luke Harper hossing dudes like Charles Manson's wrestling avatar or Adrian Neville doing flips that have been heretofore unseen in WWE, but if you're going to make a big deal about a NXT dude getting into the Rumble, then yeah, I guess that's how you'd go about doing it.
• Sin Cara at 29 signaled his injury wasn't as bad as feared. So I'm guessing that whole "most lucha masks in one place" thing is back on for Mania this year?
• Ryback at 30, but his best moment in the match was MEATHOOKing Randy Orton over the top rope and into serpentine oblivion. I have never been so happy to see a dude clothesline another dude ever.
• Oh hey, Cena won. No one saw that coming.
• Backstage, The Rock was yelling about his mom and a bunch of other shit. As pointed out by fine folks like Patrick Vint and Chris Sims on Twitter, it was a total rip-off of Dusty Rhodes' Hard Times promo, which was insanely funny given how totally different the backgrounds of each guy were to back up the gravitas of their promos.
• That being said, everything in wrestling is plagiarized, so it's not a big deal.
• Rock ripped the table top off the Spanish announce table early, but CM Punk chased him off and then put it back on, bowing to the announcers. I don't want every wrestler to be as cerebral or cognizant of wrestling tropes as Punk is, but it would be nice if he wasn't the only self-aware one in the company.
• Rocky rocket-tossed Punk into the barricade, to which Punk responded a few minutes later with a gordbuster draping Rock gut first on it. (sandwiching Paul Heyman getting shots in, natch) Not really noting a whole lot here, just that I love barricade spots.
• Going back to the gut-across-the-barricade thing, Punk kept working over the midsection of Rock, which was a nod to RAW last week and the Shield's beatdown causing internal bleeding. Again, psychology makes all the difference in the world.
• I was shocked to a point how much of the match Rocky let Punk dominate, but then I remembered when he was around and full-time, Rock was one of the most generous wrestlers on the roster when it came to that sort of thing. It was one of the things that made me like him as much as it did.
• One of the things I always hated about Rock though? His stupid, lazy sharpshooter.
• In one of the all-time greatest moments in accidental wrestling storytelling, the Spanish announce table got its revenge on Rock for CONSTANT years of abuse, collapsing before he could do the Rock Bottom to Punk on it. You call it a botch, I call it a great visual. The best part about it was that neither of the two gave any fucks afterwards and STILL went through with a Rock Bottom on the floor. That's dedication.
• Yeah, I will never get tired of seeing CM Punk break out that roundhouse flash kick to the dome. Never. That should be his finisher, not the goddamn Go 2 Sleep.
• The lights went out, and magically, Rock went through a table. Despite Michael Cole cackling that it was The Shield, well, there was no evidence that it was them because no one could see right in front of their faces. I was absolutely surprised that Punk actually pinned him right off of that attack, seeing as I've been conditioned to see a kick out and big comeback. THANKS CENA, YOU JERK.
• Vince McMahon? Oh fuck. Not a Dusty finish. Anything but a goddamn Dusty finish.
• Rocky getting on the mic and demanding a match restart over a stripping of the belt redeemed the goddamn Dusty finish a little bit, but goddammit, Vince.
• Rock hit his second People's Elbow and commenced making WrestleMania XXIX into Armageddon. That being said, I am not angry that the match ended on a People's Elbow at all. I'm not angry that any move finishes a match anymore at all. There are far bigger things to worry about than what move finishes what match, people.

Match of the Night: Royal Rumble Match (30 Wrestlers) - From the moment when the lights went out and the all-too-classic theme song hit with Dolph Ziggler shitting his pants at the man he sent packing from WWE five months prior coming out until the anticlimactic finish, the Rumble match this year took back its throne as the entertaining junk food plate it had been for the two years prior to 2012's aberration of a stinker. There are going to be a lot of people out there who will take that finish and use it as justification for hating the match. Personally, I hold no ill-will to those because everyone's opinions work in a different way than mine do. However, I'm a process-over-results guy myself, and how we got to the end was terrific.

First, all the surprises were legitimate surprises. I was so glad that none of the "spoilers" turned out to be correct because the ones we got, Chris Jericho, Goldust, and even The Godfather, turned out to be great cameo appearances. Jericho did some major work, lasting nearly as long as Ziggler did. Goldust immediately worked in synergy with his little brother, and there was left open the door for a match in the future between the two. Godfather... well, he lasted as long as he should have, and really, what was more valuable, his in-ring or his entrance? I'll leave you to answer that to yourselves.

The people who were supposed to be there though, they were the ones who shone brightest. Whether it was Santino Marella acting like he was the big shot in the beginning and sheepishly putting on his Cobra in an attempt to write the check that his body language tried to cash. There was the ballad of Bo Dallas, who is at least going to get a cup of coffee against RED BELLY out of his performance. There was Dolph Ziggler entering first and making it to the final four, almost building to that crescendo when he goes one hour strong and finally wins this thing like Shawn Michaels. There was Ryback meathooking dudes left and right. Kofi Kingston put his Boston College education to work with an office chair. And how the fuck could anyone forget Daniel Bryan dumping Kane over the top rope, only to let his old Team Uppercut buddy Antonio Cesaro dump him right into the arms of his tag partner, begging futilely for mercy?

There was a lot to love about this Rumble match. A lot. While Cena winning left a bitter taste in my mouth, everything else that preceded it was able to dull that blow. I know this sounds like damning with faint praise, but I did enjoy myself during that match, and there's nothing better than having a fun, fast-paced Rumble match with big surprises and huge moments.

Overall Thoughts: This year's Rumble was the most WWE event of recent memory. It had really good in-ring action, like really good, but the finishes were so goddamn frustrating that it's easy to let those feelings overtake you and strip you of the experience. It's all a matter of whether you value process over results or vice versa. I really can't blame anyone for valuing the results first, because for the longest time, I was like that. I'd also be lying if I didn't want to eat my hat when Cena and Rocky both won their matches, even if it was just a little bit.

But even in the crushing but expected nuclear blast, there couldn't have been anyone at home who would have expected Chris Jericho to be the second person in the Rumble match, right? There were not only legitimate surprises in the big match, but there were also feelgood moments. And let's be honest, the wrestling quality on the show may not have reached the consensus levels of Extreme Rules last year, but the opening World Championship match was pretty darn good, the tag match was a bit disappointing given the guys in it, but still perfectly cromulent. I wrote about the actual Rumble match at length, and the stark truth is that Rocky made Punk look like a goddamn star AND Punk got the best of Rock's three matches since his return. That counts for something, right?

The knee-jerk reaction is to be disappointed by the Rumble event, and I'm with you there. But it almost feels like from RAW 1000, this was the story they wanted to tell. I don't really condone the way they got there, because for real, John Cena has been a sniveling, bratty piece of human waste on the way there, and both I and Danielle have taken inordinate amounts of heat because we dare think The Rock maybe shouldn't be a total jerkwad towards people who aren't fratboys with repressive behaviors. But I guess I give WWE credit for sticking with a long term story and doing it in a matter that didn't just have Cena reminding us that hey, he's wrestling Rock at Mania, but hark, a wild Kane appears, what will you do? (that works too because the average Pokemon has the same number of moves as Cena does... haha, I get jokes)

I'm doing a lot of equivocating here. I apologize for that, because I don't think that makes me better than some writers I lampoon and whom I love seeing lampooned. But watching the Rumble event this year didn't exactly sway me in either direction. The fan in me was agog in the execution of what was put in front of me, even if the thinker in me was aghast at how they came about their decisions. I much prefer it when the fan and the thinker come to the same conclusion, but hey, I guess that's what happens when you, the fan, are amazed at the pretty lights and shapely clouds in the too-near distance while the oncoming fallout is ready to send you, the thinker, to a grotesque death.