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| Paul London making his GRAND entrance Photo Credit: John Rosenberger |
Located deep in Brooklyn in the basement of a Roman Catholic church is a little gym that for one night every few months houses FWE. It also sells $2.50 beers in New York City, where the average beer at an event costs 7 bucks. That’s one way to make a fan out of me. Also, it’s taking a lot of effort for this not to just be a column about Stone Cold ET, but we’ll get to him.
Pre-Show:
Match 1: Guantlet Match to determine number 1 contenders for the tag titles:
Young Bucks def Azriel and Bandido; the Midnight Sensations; and AMIL and Diamond Inc
- The match started out on a weird note with Sam Shields of the Midnight Sensations announcing usual tag partner Chris Rockwell crashed his UFO on the way from their home on Triton Moon. He announced his temporary partner as Alex Reynolds.
- AMIL’s trunks consisted of track pants stitched midway down their boxers, because what better way to convey urban chic.
- Young Bucks came out next to last and then everything kind of happened pretty quickly, because the other competitors were pretty unmemorable.
Paul London def Brian Kendrick
- Paul London’s music came on. They announced his name, he failed to come out.
- London’s music hit again, and he came out, in a space suit proceeding to walk around the entire arena high fiving everyone. No joke, I'm pretty sure his whole entrance took 10 minutes.
- Young Bucks came out and superkicked Kendrick through the ropes while the ref and London were down. London rolled over and pinned Kendrick
- Kendrick accused London of hiring the Bucks. London seemed legitimately confused, as was I.
- Apparently Matt Hardy’s new catchphrase has become “CAN I GET A RETWEET?!?!”
Katarina Leigh (AKA Winter) def Gail Kim:
This match lasted five minutes and featured a roll-up finish after Winter kissed the ref. Then Gail Kim hung out in the ring for 25 minutes and charged fans 15 bucks a pop to take unsigned Polaroids. Hey, look over there, more beer.
iPPV Taping:
Match 1:
Jimmy Yang def Sonjay Dutt:
- Jimmy Yang's gimmick - a redneck Asian. I likewhere this is going so far.
- Awww Yang brought his daughter to the ring, and it was her birthday!
- Dutt interrupted the crowd during a singing of Happy Birthday then proceeded with some pretty effective “You People”-ing of the Brooklyn Fans.
- Hey guys, let’s all hate the foreigner and not pay attention to the fact that the other guy is also of Asian descent.
- After the win Yang promised the crowd cake but never produced said cake. A FAT GUY NEVER FORGETS!
Matt Taven and Jorge Santi def Mike Bennett and Chris Mordetsky (Chris Masters)
- In another example of the crowd picking one outsider to heckle over another, they taunted Bennett for being from Boston, and yet cheered Taven who is also from Boston.
- Bennett and Mordetsky did a pretty good job of coming as close to the edge of the PG rating without crossing it, although that PG thing seemed to be forgotten about pretty quickly.
- A fairly clever end as Bennett tried a mounted submission on Taven. However, Taven rolled over so Bennett’s shoulders were down for a three count while trying to tap Matt Taven out.
Ivelisse Velez def Reby Sky:
- Ivelisse Velez and Reby Sky are both NY-born Puerto Ricans. It was a toss-up as whom the crowd would have picked on... oh wait, it was Velez.
- The guy sitting in front of David (@ChudleyCannons) and I was providing an excellent example of how to talk about women for his two young kids. Those are gonna be some winners.
- The crowd chanted U-S-A at the girl from Puerto Rico as though it’s not also a US territory.
- It looked like Sky hit her finisher, and yet somehow, she got pinned right after. Yay for logic.
"Fatal Four-Way" - Petey Williams def Jigsaw, Tony Nese, and Wes Draven:
- "Fatal Four-Way" is in quotes because this was actually a mislabeled tag match with a single winner.
- Tony Nese still looked like King Leonidas from 300 (just like he did at National Pro Wrestling Day).
- Jig tried to choke out Williams who was trying to choke out Nese. Draven rolled them over and put Nese in a sharpshooter which via transitive properties almost caused Jigsaw to tap.
- Williams hit his finisher on Nese which isn’t called the Egyptian Destroyer but is, in fact, the Egyptian Destroyer. (Ed. note: It was the Canadian Destroyer before it was the Egyptian Destroyer.)
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| Photo Credit: John Rosenberger |
- Stone Cold ET’s music was a mash up of the theme song from the movie and Stone Colds’s WWE entrance.
- His rubber ET mask muffled his voice pretty bad, creating the most sincere and appropriate “WHAT?” chants ever.
- The ring announcer and color commentator was also the general manager, I guess.
- He brought out the Next Guys, one of whom had the best ring gear ever: Zubaz shorts, a bandanna that just said "Fatties," and t-shirt that said No Fatties. I guess his head and his heart were at odds.
- Stone Cold ET then brought out Malta the Damager (Boo) and Viscera (YAY!)
- Malta and Viscera squashed the Next Guys and pinned them, even though there was no real match.
- Stone Cold ET, Malta, and Viscera chugged Reese Pieces and poured them all over the downed Next Guys, a really nice touch.
Paul London def Damien Darling to become new Tri-Borough Champ:
- London did the same entrance as last time, except now counter clockwise. It still took about 10 minutes.
- The match was fairly serviceable, featured some decent spots, and then everything went haywire.
- The ref took a bump that put him out for a pretty incredible amount of time.
- The Young Bucks came out again. This time, they superkicked London, because who needs continuity?
- Out came a new ref. I thought we might have gotten a count, but nope, he got pulled out of the ring. He was then assumed dead.
- Petey Williams came out and gave the Egyptian Destroyer to London. I thought that maybe the whole locker room would hit their finishers during this match.
- Out came Kendrick, and he hit his finisher on Darling.
- The ref finally woke up, counted to 3 and the title went to London.
Adrenaline Express def Young Bucks to Retain Tag Titles:
- It would appear that all this nonsensical interference has taken something out of the Bucks because their effort in this match didn’t match what I’m used to seeing from them.
- Adrenaline Express hit their tandem finisher, match was over. I felt sad for the Young Bucks as this was not their usual type of crowd.
Maria Kanellis def Angelina Love to retain Women’s Title
- Booking women’s matches is not FWE’s strong suit, and this match was no exception.
- Full Ddsclosure: I didn’t pay the most attention to this match because I was talking to Sam Shields of Midnight Sensations, whom I grew up with. He said if Rockwell would have been there, they would have run the gauntlet until the Bucks. He wouldn't say what happened to Rockwell though.
- Mike Bennett as male valet was pretty damned great, I gotta say. He wore Maria’s belt as a hat most of the match, which entertained me to no end.
- With the ref distracted, Maria landed a belt shot to the head of Love and got the pin.
Carlito def Tommy Dreamer and Matt Hardy to retain FWE World Heavyweight Championship:
- Evidently the Heavyweight Belt had been hanging above the ring the whole show because we didn’t have time to raise the belt, but we did have time to take Polaroids in the ring for a half hour.
- Apparently Carlito won the title at a non-FWE show, an interesting choice.
- Hardy went to the "RETWEET ME" well after every big spot. The crowd wasn’t following him on that whole thing.
- There weren’t any chairs under the ring, so Carlito stole one of the commentator’s chairs and ripped off all the padding.
- People kept throwing each other in to ladders. Apparently, there was no need for chairs or tables.
- They were also woefully understocked on tables. They ended up stealing one of the merch tables.
- After lots of threatening from all parties, it was Dreamer who took the table spot.
- Carlito climbed the ladder and took down the belt.
Spare Reflections:
- Apparently security consisted of six 17-year olds with walkie talkies wearing camouflage.
- Maryse came out to do commentary, but I never saw her mouth move once.
- I told the Young Bucks I was sorry they lost the Campeones De Parejas. Matt Jackson said he was legitimately emotional about losing the title.
- I spent a good amount of the show worrying about the structural integrity of the ring, especially if ladders were in play. Thankfully, it managed to stay up the whole time.
- The merch area didn't feature any actual merch from anyone at the show, just people selling WWE DVDs and toys.
- FWE crowds like their wrestling serious, no time for silliness here.
