Let's just conveniently ignore the final segment about Rock stealing cars and getting lit in bars underage. Let's pretend RAW ended with Kane and Dolph Ziggler. Actually, no, let's not. In fact, let's focus in on that. The segment, which began with Rock telling a story over the forced laughter of the announcers, was a microcosm of everything wrong with WWE. Rocky came into the ring, recounted a tale that went nowhere, and then took a legitimately heartwarming moment between CM Punk and Paul Heyman at the top of the show and turned it into a tired, pop-culture tinged gay joke. Then yeah, warmed over brawl segment, challenger hits his finisher. The only redeeming quality was that Punk stole the belt, which is a trope I always dig. But yeah, it was garbage. It was everything that I rail against WWE for and then some.
But then, everything that led up to that final segment? Yeah, the patchwork of matches, promos, and character building that comprised RAW's first 175 minutes? Yeah, that was golden. See, people like to ask why I watch the show if I'm always criticizing it. Reasoned, constructive critiquing of a show doesn't mean hate. It only means you have a brain and you use it. But for every really bad episode of RAW they bust out, they have a show like tonight's which hit every target. The aforementioned opening segment? It was a masterclass on turning a throwaway subplot that went theoretically nowhere and turned it into either something that tugged at the heartstrings for fans like me, or something that further drove home the sleaze of Heyman for others.
Mark Henry squishing Great Khali again and chasing it with a shot of Hornswoggle liquefaction? Thank you sir, may I have another? Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho, in a match that took the dangling potential of their legendary but overrated NXT encounter? Oh man, it was everything I wanted and more. Big Show just knocking folks out and then being too angry to form even dangling clause? YES! YES! YES! Alberto del Rio making the cliche point-to-the-sign thing and actually making it feel genuine? Damien Sandow heeling on the crowd for liking country music? RED BELLY breaking out the ring skirt as an offensive weapon to hit Kofi Kingston with a phantom Bull Hammer? ANTONIO CESARO GIVING MIZ NO FEWER THAN SIX HALF ROTATIONS OF THE GIANT SWING INTO THE BARRICADE? Why can't RAW be this good every week, other than the fact that it would take an immense toll on even a competent writing staff with a sane showrunner? Well, I think I just answered my own question.
The thing that I thought might have been the best part of RAW may turn out to be the most controversial. Dutch Mantell assumed the role of Zeb Coulter to be Jack Swagger's slightly racist, definitely xenophobic mouthpiece. I will explore the hell out of this tomorrow, because there is a lot of ground to cover with that topic (a blessing in disguise for a shithead blogger like myself with a lot to say and a drastic shortage of restraint with which to do it). There is a chance that the all new Tea Party proxy of Swagger and Coulter is too heelish for comfort, too abrasive that they engender a channel change rather than a desire to see them get their asses kicked. That being said, my line on this was not crossed, and I totally dug the fact that WWE broached this idea from the right side of the fence this time. I'm so used to them being on the wrong side of history that I'm refreshed that an acid-breathing, chest-thumping, Mexican-hating firebrand is actually portrayed as a bad guy for once. We'll see the execution, as it remains to be seen whether WWE has the touch to pull this off, but hey, they got the beginning right at least from where I sit.
But then, everything that led up to that final segment? Yeah, the patchwork of matches, promos, and character building that comprised RAW's first 175 minutes? Yeah, that was golden. See, people like to ask why I watch the show if I'm always criticizing it. Reasoned, constructive critiquing of a show doesn't mean hate. It only means you have a brain and you use it. But for every really bad episode of RAW they bust out, they have a show like tonight's which hit every target. The aforementioned opening segment? It was a masterclass on turning a throwaway subplot that went theoretically nowhere and turned it into either something that tugged at the heartstrings for fans like me, or something that further drove home the sleaze of Heyman for others.
Mark Henry squishing Great Khali again and chasing it with a shot of Hornswoggle liquefaction? Thank you sir, may I have another? Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho, in a match that took the dangling potential of their legendary but overrated NXT encounter? Oh man, it was everything I wanted and more. Big Show just knocking folks out and then being too angry to form even dangling clause? YES! YES! YES! Alberto del Rio making the cliche point-to-the-sign thing and actually making it feel genuine? Damien Sandow heeling on the crowd for liking country music? RED BELLY breaking out the ring skirt as an offensive weapon to hit Kofi Kingston with a phantom Bull Hammer? ANTONIO CESARO GIVING MIZ NO FEWER THAN SIX HALF ROTATIONS OF THE GIANT SWING INTO THE BARRICADE? Why can't RAW be this good every week, other than the fact that it would take an immense toll on even a competent writing staff with a sane showrunner? Well, I think I just answered my own question.
The thing that I thought might have been the best part of RAW may turn out to be the most controversial. Dutch Mantell assumed the role of Zeb Coulter to be Jack Swagger's slightly racist, definitely xenophobic mouthpiece. I will explore the hell out of this tomorrow, because there is a lot of ground to cover with that topic (a blessing in disguise for a shithead blogger like myself with a lot to say and a drastic shortage of restraint with which to do it). There is a chance that the all new Tea Party proxy of Swagger and Coulter is too heelish for comfort, too abrasive that they engender a channel change rather than a desire to see them get their asses kicked. That being said, my line on this was not crossed, and I totally dug the fact that WWE broached this idea from the right side of the fence this time. I'm so used to them being on the wrong side of history that I'm refreshed that an acid-breathing, chest-thumping, Mexican-hating firebrand is actually portrayed as a bad guy for once. We'll see the execution, as it remains to be seen whether WWE has the touch to pull this off, but hey, they got the beginning right at least from where I sit.
