The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, July 29

So good I couldn't wait to take a bite out of it to take a picture
Photo Credit: ME

Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 2) - If you don't get that Daniel Bryan is the goddamn man by now, you're never going to get it, so stop trying.

2. The "Skylar" from the Fractured Prune (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED RANKING - Y'know, every once in awhile, I get the feeling that the bacon backlash brigade has a point with the oversaturation of the cured pork belly that the Internet has co-opted into meme form. Then, I go and try the Skylar, a freshly fried donut with chocolate glaze and bacon, and, well, let's just say the erection lasted for more than four hours, and that emergency room visit was awkward.

3. Rachel Summerlyn (Last Week: 4) - Johnny Manziel was in town to party, and he chose a U of Texas frat party over chilling with Austin's coolest resident? Summerlyn didn't call ESPN with the hot tip because she's way cooler than that, but no one would blame her if she did.

4. Mark Henry (Last Week: 3) - Despite the fact that Mark Henry would not only beat The Shield by himself, but also be the odds-on favorite to win King of Trios if he entered the tournament solo, he has taken the Usos under his wing. Some say that he wishes to teach them a lesson in friendship and teamwork. I just think he's heard the fan reactions to them and is now trying to get them more experience points quicker so they can level up.

5. AJ Lee (Last Week: 7) - Look, you may analyze her meltdown on RAW as endemic of the piss-poor treatment WWE has laid upon its female performers, but I look at it as an example of extreme restraint exercised by Lee. If my ex were out there throwing shade at me like our relationship didn't matter in the long run right after it ended, I might have gone LUDICROUS SPEED in my revenge.

6. Dragon Dragon (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Weep not for the passing of Dragon Dragon at the hands of Oleg the Usurper, but be happy that he has blessed our lives with fun, frivolity, and Tommy Dreamer profanity.

7. Portia Perez (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She not only ventured down to Perth to win the New Horizon Pro Wrestling tournament over such competition as Kellie Skater and Madison Eagles, but she also did so without being accosted by Australia's notable killer wildlife, like the dingo, the crocodile, or the fikus plant. Seriously, fikus plants down there are lethal. Everything's lethal in Australia. Even the cuisine.

8. Johnny Manziel (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I am partially absolving him for not calling up Summerlyn and her crew this weekend, mainly because his troll game is so sharp right now. Mad props.

9. Jilly (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I don't know her last name. All I know is that she has a metric fuckton of storefronts on the Ocean City (NJ) boardwalk, ranging from the bottom-of-the-barrel t-shirt shops that make me question whether Communism is such a bad idea to full-blown amusement parks. I'll bet that when New Jersey legalizes medical marijuana, she'll have the first dispensary, and it'll be right at 13th and Boardwalk.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She is said to have given Magic Mike only a 6 out of 10 rating because she didn't think Kevin Nash as a stripper was realistic enough.