The Past is Prologue: Random GLOW Episode (Season 2, Episode 9)

Little Egypt, the later years
Photo via Diva-Dirt

Let it be known that once again the internet has failed me. I haven't been able to find all of the footage for the original topic for this column, the 2006 Diva Search. Naturally, this disappointed me a good bit. I felt like there's a lot to parse through that particular edition especially as it has the only winner of the competitions that is still working for WWE. But alas, it looks like the Diva Search column days are done. Where do we go now? To a show I never watched until last night, a true document in bizarreness during the post-national boom of pro wrestling in the 1980s. I watched Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

GLOW reaches a sort of odd borderline between basic taste and a love of kitsch. It's not hard to immediately latch on to the pure ridiculousness of the GLOW product. After all, every character is an absurd and probably offensive stereotype even when viewed through the lens of the time period. (It's much harder now certainly to defend a heel named Palestina the Terrorist for damn sure.) And so, I'm going to admit that maybe I love kitsch an absurd amount here. So let's list stuff. Actually, let me list quotes and stuff. It'll be even better.

-- "AND YOU, PRINCESS OF DARKNESS. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANY HYPNOTIC DEVICES OR I'LL HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

No shit, the first segment of the show is a skit, complete with phenomenal sitcom laugh track, where the referee reprimands the demonic character for her use of magic when inside the wrestling ring. It is as if the world wanted me to respond to pure exorcism with a guy going "Now, Linda Blair, you better knock this exorcism off! Your parents are getting weirded out!" And her name is Princess of Darkness, but her tag team partner is the even more gloriously named Dementia. I don't think they know what dementia is, you guys.

-- The first match is between a Russian stereotype vs. an Arabian stereotype.

Little Egypt vs. Ninotchka is proof that holy hell, putting awful stereotypes up to 11 almost just gets hilarious after a point. After all, we have a more amazingly awful one in our main event. But anyway, this is glorious because Little Egypt doesn't even commit to her character. She sounds like she's from freaking Yonkers. Meanwhile, Ninotchka comes out with a hammer and sickle, wears red tights, and has a temporary tattoo of a hammer and sickle on her upper body. That's commitment and a lack of subtlety all at once.

-- IN THE MAIN EVENT, AMERICANA BATTLES (IN EXACT WORDS) "THE TERRORIST" PALESTINA.

I broke my keyboard around this point in a mix of confusion and amazement. Naturally, this is a pre-9/11 world where terrorism is so distant that TERRORIST PERSON is a character option. Clearly this would never happen in a post-9/11 world. No, Vince McMahon would never create a character designed to get heat from misunderstanding the Arabic world. Never! But yeah, holy shit. Also, when we get to the match, it has my favorite reason for existing since The War to Settle the Score. It is a battle for freedom! (It ends in a disqualification and a random turn from a lady named Spanish Red.) If only Palestina was trying to destroy music forever, though.

-- This show has transitions.

Much like our modern friends, GLOW knows that there needs to be a balance for the television product. Michael Cole does the "When Raw rolls on" bit, Impact has "sooper detailed cameras." GLOW has a laugh track and Statler and Waldorf-style jokes. Well, Statler and Waldorf by way of the Laffy Taffy wrapper jokes.

-- The Princess of Darkness is from Parts Unknown. Her partner Dementia is from MASSACHUSETTS.

They also take on Mt. Fiji and Little Fiji. Wrestling. Also of importance, THE REF HAS TO GET DEMENTIA'S AXE FROM HER. DEMENTIA WILL TRY TO MURDER MT. FIJI ON THIS TELEVISION PROGRAM. Truly an amazing sight and that's not mentioning that they legitimately hypnotize Mt. Fiji and then attempt to make her head explode. I'm serious. Wrestlelicious is like a 4 on the GLOW scale.

-- "She doesn't even try to hide her weapons anymore, and that's the terrorist mentality for you!"

Important quotes to finish on.