The Past is Prologue: Total Divas Season 1 Finale (for real, this time)

So cute!
Photo Credit: WWE.com

It is that time to admit that Total Divas is now away from our lives for a few months, leaving us a world without people that say things like "girl bye." And chances are, if you're reading this column, that's a lesser world to live in. Or something. I don't know why you read this. Anyway, after the sort of odd treading of water that seems to have occupied a network-mandated "we gotta do seven more of these episodes, gang" policy, there were at least some of the more wonderful heartwarming things I've wanted from the show since say Nattie and TJ's wedding. Let's list this.

1. Daniel Bryan

OMG HAS THERE BEEN A MORE WONDERFUL MAN AT EXPRESSING HIS LOVE IN THE BEST OF WAYS THAN DANIEL FREAKIN BRYAN? HAS THERE? THERE HASN'T. I KEPT THIS AT CAPS LOCK BECAUSE THIS IS LEGITIMATELY HOW I FELT. I SHOOK WHEN HE MADE THE TYPE OF PROCLAMATION THAT COULD BE CHEESY AS HELL, BUT BECAUSE HE'S DANIEL BRYAN, HE MEANS IT SO MUCH. THANK YOU, BRYAN.

2. Brie Bella

Woo, sorry about that. But for real, Bryan and Bella make a fantastic couple. It's hard to fake their chemistry and the way they sort of look at each other. Did you see how Bryan petted her hair? That's freakin' adorable. Not that it wouldn't be. And of course, retroactive congratulations on the engaged couple. Thank you for making me have the feels for this great moment in y'all's lives.

3. Natalya

While it came from revealing herself to be an awful person (if the truth about drinking is true in that one gets more honest the more inebriated they are), Natalya's drunk voicemails were some of the most fascinating developments for her character all season. It says way more about Nattie than the silly "I'm jealous of Eva Marie, who can barely move her arms right" storyline. It goes back to the Nattie we were introduced to in the pilot, namely this veteran who does anything the company asks of her with a clear undertone that she wants to grow in the company. And for as much as wrestler Natalya has mainly just been a shade near competent in 2013, her drunken frustration at not being the champion in a company that for all we know has about one other consistently talented female performer is palpable. And also her sexting is saying, "I'm not wearing any underwear and I'm ready to ride."

4. Fandango

With one purely pervy and glorious line, Fandango added to his streak of weird ass Dirty Curty appearances on Total Divas. As Nattie expressed her frustration for having drunk dialed Stephanie, the following occurred:

Nattie: "Ugh, I did something I shouldn't have done."
Fandango: "Did you make out with her?"

Never change, you gross dirty man.

5. Alicia Fox

There weren't very many performers on the show in general, and fewer that I enjoyed being around, so I should give my honorable mention award to Alicia Fox for essentially ensuring herself a likely spot in season two by being "person who talks to the Total Divas." I guess they realized they need more girl byeness and less Jojo. Poor Jojo.

6. Ariane

She had deserved outrage when Nattie turned into the worst person on earth and called her moves like what a prostitute would do. Because what in the utter fuck, Natalya?

7. John Cena

Cena gets points for a shockingly mature approach to not wanting kids. Cena understands his own materialism and how toxic that is to forming a human relationship outside of sex. And while I haven't made up my own mind on the subject, it is weird how the show became a meditation on what makes a person happy. Is Cena really happy? The show, of course, cannot give us that answer and left us on a cliffhanger as to if the Cena/Nikki thing will still be a thing come the show's return in March. But I like the idea of a man admitting that maybe he doesn't want to be a shitty absent-minded father whose child resents him.

But then he also said the sentence, "Is there a woman alive that doesn't want to be married and have kids?" The correct answer is YES, John. Those women also exist. And not even the cliche "well, they're definitely lesbians" types. Straight women also are out there that don't care about marriage or children. I don't think he meant it as anything more than silly table talk, but I'm just putting that out there.

8. Jojo

Good night, sweet angel.

9. Eva Marie

The only reason she did not end up at 10 is:

10. That fiancee of Eva Marie

I should say that I currently work at a retail job. Yay, actual work! But anyways, I get a whole gaggle of customers because I'm told that's how retail works. And not a single one of them in a month's time has ever been as universally stupid and awful to look at as Eva Marie's fiancee. Not a one. That includes the ones angry that you have to pay a dollar for something haphazardly put back in the 50 cent bin. But hey, at least Corey Graves has a competitor for worst person on WWE television now.

FINAL POWER RANKINGS:

1. Daniel Bryan
2. Trinity
3. Ariane
4. Brie Bella
5. Natalya
6. Fandango
7. John Cena
8. Nikki Bella
9. Sandra the Seamstress
10. Jojo (sorry, girl)

And with that, see you in March or whenever I find an old wrestling show and only think about the music or interviews or Kwang.