Thursday, February 20, 2014

Best Coast Bias: ¡Otra Vez Miércoles Noche Trios!

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If there's a principle the WWE's been built around the past year and a half, their equivalent of "sun rises in the East" or "Don't bring up Tyler Perry around me, especially this month", it's simply this:

Don't bring in three random dudes against the Shield.

In the immortal parlance of Al Davis, they will go dowen, and they will go dowen hod.

Last week, the luchadoric three-man squad of Los Matadores y Sin Cara found out what happens when you go against the unified front provided by the Wyatt Family. In the immortal word of Garfield and Friends, SPLUT. Or, considering that Roman Reigns ruined 66.7% of their unit at once this week around, perhaps the proper term is GORSH. It didn't matter that this match existing made Continuity Bear do the Shopping Cart, or that El Torito pulled out a double jump cannonball on Seth Rollins (who went Full Rollins twice in the D or E show before a major pay-per-view, bless his heart). A Shield trios match against anything that doesn't resemble a Southern Baptists/Swamp Thing mashup at this point is in the WWE dictionary under fait accompli, and the crowd is completely unhesitant in chanting for Roman Reigns to fudge up sicles while also cheering for the obstenible white hats.

Should we be nearing the end of the Shield as a unit, let us say that while the E may've left some money on the table in not fully exploiting those who translate Sierra Hotel India as "Ladies, start your ovaries!", that the NXT grads were a perfect thing in a highly imperfect funhouse mirror world and we'll all be a bit lesser for them going. The lack of dissension when things're running relatively smoothly, Ambrose's perpetual looks of disgruntletude that people are dare fighting back against the longest-reigning Champion the E has on offer, oh, and things like Roman Reigns spearing the uckfay out of two guys at once as a mere prelude to a SUPERMAN PUNCH HART ATTACK. Rollins doing the Blackout after that was just crumbled-up cookie things on the colored sprinkles of the froyo that was this match, and it didn't matter which of the Santana disciples took the fall after getting hit with the sodium benzoate served up by the Hounds. At the risk of sounding like the type of person who'd write this column, do these guys have to break up?

Now, the Funkadactyls haven't broken up; Naomi's just on the shelf. But turning rain into a way to water the flowers, this has allowed them to promote Total Divas in the form of a Getting To Know Cameron video package. (Or perhaps the inverse; as usual when it comes to this sort of thing, WWE will Thickely Robin any sort of line standing in the path of them becoming New Disney.); So she came out with a purpose when she took on Aksana, who jumped her before she could even get into the ring and then smiled cruelly while pointing at her knee, the Michael Dunn of the divas division. While not as good as the bout she had with NattieKat last week, it's clear that Aksana has improved by leaps and bounds in the past few weeks.& And Cameron showed some rough promise to build on as a good gal, outsmarting Foxsana with a meeting of the minds, tuning up Alicia with a nice slap, and Reyesque wheelbarrow bulldog. When she outsmarted Aksana with a small package to win, it wasn't full retribution for her partner. It did, however, signal that at least for a few minutes Cameron should be able to fill in for her partner, even if filling her shoes is something that's more down the road than in her present., there's no nice way to say this. Kofi Kingston and Curtis Axel had a match that ended the show. Hey, remember last year when these guys both held the IC belt? Yeah, me either. The crowd was more into antagonizing the Big Guy at ringside, who seemed set to avenge his partner getting mowed down by the dreadlocked man when suddenly it was WIG SPLITTIN' O CLOCK, FOOLS. Sadly, with Teddy Long having died on the way back to his home planet last year, there was no tag team match in the offering, playas. Instead, Kofi got in some more offense with maybe four moves coming from Mr. Imperfect and a botched spot before Ryback ran in for the DQ. That's right, there was a DQ on this show on this edition of the show. Sweet sassy molassy. Having not learned his lesson from last year's WrestleMania (a note of grace helpfully remembered by Saxton and Phillips, already the second best team in the Stamford payroll that isn't Young Regality While Other People Refuse To Shut Up And Let Them Be Dammit), Ryback thus set himself up to get hossed by Mark Henry and he and his partner tope con hiloed by Kofi.

Sure, it was a one-note show. But when that note's being playing in Special Op terms, it's a thing of beauty.