Saturday, March 29, 2014

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 70

One of my favorite moments ever
Photo Credit:
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, especially around Friday night after Smackdown, and wait for the call. Anyway, time to go!

Opening up the proceedings this week is Scott T. Holland both of the Royal Rumble stats series here and of Irresistible vs. Immovable. He asks what my favorite moments from each of the Hall of Famers are.

ULTIMATE WARRIOR: When he looked into his hands after not being able to put away the Macho King at WrestleMania VII
LITA: Any time she gave a male assailant the what for, even if she was the aggressor
PAUL BEARER: So many great moments to choose from, but I'll go with his most recent return in WWE, when the casket opened and he popped up out of it
CARLOS COLON: Gonna be honest, haven't seen much of him, but I'll go with giving the world Primo, I suppose.
MR. T: His turn as Officer Earl Devereaux in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
RAZOR RAMON: Taking the Intercontinental Championships at WrestleMania X

Token Canadian @DasNordlicht91 asks what my favorite WrestleMania ending is.

WrestleMania X-7 is probably my favorite Mania ever for several reasons, not the least of which being its ending. Having Steve Austin align with Vince McMahon was the bravest thing WWE could have done at the time, and the execution of the turn felt genuinely shocking and sensical. The shame part was how awfully the company followed it up, but the moment was stellar.

I reserve the right to change this answer, however, if WrestleMania XXX ends the way I think it will - or at least should - with Daniel Bryan leading the world's largest and loudest YES! chant.

Twitter picture slinger @NielJacoby asks which wrestler would have the best theme song for singing his/her name repetitively to his/her theme song.

I always liked Edge and Christian's rendition of [REDACTED]'s theme song, but that doesn't count since it wasn't just them singing "Chris Benoit" over and over. My pick would be Kane's theme. He's got a monosyllabic name, and his theme is conducive to to drawing it out.

Father of the World's Strongest Baby @AyYoAlo wants to know my pick to win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale.

Even though he hasn't been announced for the fray yet and already has a match at Mania, I still got Antonio Cesaro winning this thing. Bryan won't be the only guy pulling double duty for this Mania. Besides, four slots are still blank, three if you believe that Rob van Dam is returning for this match. However, if Cesaro isn't in the match, I'm gonna give the nod to The Miz, just because WWE is all about catching lightning in a bottle again and cultivating a new Streak for when Undertaker retires.

@OkoriWadsworth asks what kind of peanut is my favorite for snacking.

Peanuts are my second favorite nuts for snacking, after cashews, so I like a good bit of them. However, my favorites are the candied ones you get on the street in New York. I like how the shell and the nut interplay. Great stuff.

Notable member of the Philadelphia-native Pitt alumni society @85mf asks what the best case scenario for the Divas clusterfuck.

The absolute best case scenario would be AJ Lee reaching her limit break and throwing a nasty Climhazzard all over everyone in the match before welcoming Paige as a worthy challenger for the next few months. Since that scenario can only happen in my sleep-deprived mind, the real best case would be Lee escaping with the Championship and brought back into focus on the show. I don't mind WWE promoting Total Divas on the show, but Lee by far is the best thing going and having her be "jealous" over their success despite the fact that she's been Champion for a dog's age is criminal. If the endgame is getting the title onto a Bella or Nattie Neidhart, then I'd rather see it happen in a singles match with a good build.

As an aside, I'm astounded at how much better the Bella Twins have gotten. They deserve props, man.

Strong Island bro @mikepankowski wants to know why his Lego DeLorean pack didn't come with Lego versions of Archibald Peck and 3.0.

Because Lego used up all its awesome quotient for the year with The Lego Movie. If the company had included Marchie Archie and 3.0, it might have imploded the space-time continuum.

International Object podcast co-host Rich Thomas wants to know if I've ever had Beaver Brand Coney Island Mustard.

I haven't, but I will take the opportunity this question has presented to rank the TOP FIVE MUSTARDS EVER:

1. MR. MUSTARD SWEET-HOT: The perfect combination of sweet and spicy
3. GREY POUPON: You're damn right I ain't sharing
4. MR. MUSTARD SPICY BROWN: The best of that subset of mustard
5. KITCHEN KETTLE VILLAGE HONEY MUSTARD: Honey mustard is definitely an A+ mustard player

@KolonelKayfabe wants to know if Jingle All the Way is my favorite movie.

I've actually never seen it. SHOCK!

@4joncomas asks how I'd fix the trainwreck that is the WWE announce table.

First, I would fire JBL into the Sun. Second, I would convince Vince McMahon to set up a salary for Jerry Lawler not to appear on the show.

After that, I would lure Scott Stanford back from his cushy newsdesk job in New York and make him the voice of Smackdown, while retaining Michael Cole as the head gig on RAW. I would pair Cole with William Regal as the top announce team, and Stanford with Byron Saxton. The three-man PPV booth would be helmed by Cole and flanked by Regal and Saxton. I would use NXT to cultivate more announcers just in case any of the above end up being lured back to gigs in "real" journalism. And furthermore, I would keep Vince McMahon's input into the earpieces limited to commercial breaks. Boom, problems solved in theory.

Wrestle-Bro @detectorsarcasm asks with the Bond-motif for Chikara's show names, what Bond storylines could I see the company pulling off.

I'm woefully behind on my Bond stories. I've only seen Goldeneye, but that story is one that could translate to the Chikara landscape, especially if the Alec Trevalyan in this case is... CHRIS HERO?!?!?! Other stories with death rays and moon seizures might not be too farfetched for Chikara to tackle, but I would go with the movie that became one of the best video games ever.

Benevolent robotic wrestling fan algorithm @robot_hammer asks what I would do creatively with Sheamus after Mania.

I would love to see him as Triple H's new hired muscle after Mania. Since The Shield has gone tecnico and Randy Orton looks to be falling out of favor with The Authority, I can see a shakeup in the bad guy order after Mania. With Bryan as the new Champion having toppled the established order, Trips would have to regroup with Batista as his centerpiece and perhaps Sheamus as his new enforcer among others. Sheamus seems better as a bad guy anyway, and his vulnerable big man style in the ring would play even better as a heel than a face.

@Michael_T1919 asks what the scariest worked and shoot moments in wrestling history are from my standpoint.

The scariest shoot moment, by far, is when Owen Hart died. I don't think that needs further explanation.

The scariest worked moment, at least from a pre-teen TH's view, was when The Undertaker and Jake "The Snake" Roberts invaded the wedding reception for Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth. Undertaker then was imposing, and the spectre of a cobra biting Miss Elizabeth in the face was frightening to me.

Austin wrestling fan and former e-fed bro @michaelkdupin asks if I think Dean Ambrose should lose the United States Championship before or after The Shield breaks up.

Personally, I don't think The Shield should break up at all. But if they do, I do think it should tie into Ambrose losing the United States Championship, preferably to, I don't know, Sami Zayn? That match would be hot. Have Roman Reigns mess up on interference and have it be the straw that breaks the camel's back. But seriously, I don't think they should break up, and Ambrose should lose the title to someone in a hot singles match at a pay-per-view or something like that.

The great folks a the What A Maneuver!! podcast ask if Vince Russo, Ed Ferrara, and Eric Bischoff were drowning, and I could only save two of them, to which one would I throw a barbell?

Russo and Ferrara are both awful and don't deserve credit for the good in wrestling they did for all the bad that came with it, but at least those two aren't vocal in their crusade for how rich white men are so oppressed in this country. I would throw all the barbells at Bischoff. ALL OF THEM.

@Jonathon_GT asks, as a too-old wrestling fan who has gotten back into the game again, what media he should consume, aside from this blog, and the Austin, Cheap Heat, and JR podcasts.

First, go up one question and subscribe to the What A Maneuver podcast. It's a great look at the Attitude Era/Monday Night Wars, an honest one at that. I would also subscribe to The Mandible Claw, International Object, and Wrestlespective Radio podcasts. All of them are fascinating looks at wrestling with three different purviews.

@brianbrown25 asks who better than Kanyon?

Only Buddy.

Photo Credit: TH

Real-life friend @WetOREO asks what I think of the whole Stephen Colbert flap going on.

I actually had thoughts on this over at my Tumblr. I read some other essays on the subject at Jezebel and Deadspin. Basically, this issue is more complex than just getting jokes or being offended.

Basically, satire's a complex thing to process, and it can easily blow up in the user's face. Obviously, the outrage started when Suey Park saw a poorly thought-out tweet from the Colbert Report account. If she had seen the actual skit first, would she have been as outraged though? I don't know. I can't speak for her, but I do know that Asians, like anyone who isn't a white, straight, Christian male with some amount of money in this country, still face a lot of real crap shoveled into their faces. Did she not get a joke? Probably. But I will never hate on anyone for not getting a joke, especially when that person is not a privileged party. However, I recognize this issue is very complex, and that so many people blew it out of proportion. Still, when dealing with race relations in this country, the burden of sensitivity ought to reside with the privileged class, not the oppressed.

Finally, @Doc_Ruiz2012 asks what my favorite Xavier Woods match is, and why it's vs. Rusev.

To be honest, I can't pick out a standout Woods match out of a lineup. I was a late adopter to NXT, and his matches on RAW have been forgettable so far. So yeah, Rusev. I guess.