Monday, May 5, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, May 5

Ravishing and resilient
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Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Paige (Last Week: 2) - Proving once again that females are at the very least as tough as males this week at Extreme Rules was the Divas Champion. She, like The Miz, took a giant swing to the barricade from an opponent sizably larger than she was. Unlike The Miz, she came back the very same night (in the same match even, although to be fair, Miz was attacked outside of the confines of a contest) and made her assailant tap out to the most badass looking submission finish in the company. No, but you keep telling me how women wrestlers will never be able to look tough or be badass.

2. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 1) - Bryan's performance in keeping his WWE World Championship last night was impressive, but he also made several OSHA violations. One, he drove a forklift without having his CDL. Two, he climbed on top of said forklift on an unstable pallet for the express purpose of diving off with no fall protection. Third, he used a tool, in this case a crowbar, not for its intended purposes. Four, he performed work on an unstable surface, i.e. the hood of a car. Five, he worked near an open flame without fire resistant clothing. However, looking back upon his case, he's an independent contractor, so he's not really under the standards and practices of OSHA. For once, that designation works in a wrestler's favor!

3. Tacos (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Today is Cinco de Mayo. Eat a taco. Hell, eat tacos on days OTHER than Cinco de Mayo. They're good for you. I think. Ah who cares, tacos rule.

4. The Chicken Lady (Last Week: Not Ranked) - This woman hasn't had to pay for chicken at the Publix for over a year. Not only has that feat gotten her on this list, she's risen on the Chicken Power Poll over Frank Perdue AND The Hound.

5. The Statue of Satan outside the Oklahoma State Courthouse (Last Week: Not Ranked) - It's about damn time the Dark Lord himself got some representation along with all those corny God worshippers.

6. Matt Cross (Last Week: 5) - Minus, he lost the 24/7 Championship (although he did have the most successful self-deprecating title match in history). Plus, he won the first ever SMASH Championship. Give and take. Give and take.

7. Little Johnny (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, creepy kids are my warm and happy place. I had a rough childhood.

8. Mark Henry (Last Week: 8) - Mark Henry knows the true spirit of Cinco de Mayo, which is celebrating the Mexican Army's victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla. In commemoration, he has conquered France.


10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She refrained from entering the NXT Women's Championship Tournament for fear that she might hurt everyone's feelings. Not just the women either.