1. Tyrion Lannister (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sports Twitter maven Grimey wrote last night that "Tyrion Lannister [became] the first ever person to drop the mic while in chains." I would say that phrasing was putting it mildly. If words were dark magic used to come out of a priestess's vagina and stab one's brother through the heart, then the littlest Lannister would've killed everyone in King's Landing (save Jaime, Bronn, and possibly both King Tommen and Oberyn Martell) with that closing segue. If Peter Dinklage doesn't win a goddamn Emmy based on that soliloquy alone, then, well, you know.
2. Paige (Last Week: 1) - She wasn't on the main shows this past week, but I took it as a well-deserved rest for a month well-defended. Next month, however, she'll be wrestling against a sloth bear. And no, that title is not a euphemism for a homely wrestler (I would never). She's really going to wrestle a sloth bear. I HAVE SKOOPZ.
3. Michael Sam (Last Week: Not Ranked) - His kiss after being drafted on Saturday made 100,000 homophobes lose their collective shit and flip out like someone dropped a bomb on Washington, DC. Fuck the haters. You go get paid and get on that NFL field, son.
4. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 2) - Seriously, if a demonic monster stalking you and your bride is laying on the ground behind your running car, THROW THAT SHIT IN REVERSE AND RUN HIM THE FUCK OVER LIKE HE'S DEAN KOONTZ AND YOU'RE BRIAN GRIFFIN.
5. Mickie Knuckles (Last Week: Not Ranked) - IMPLIED SWIRLIE! I DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE. I MEAN TYPE ANYTHING ELSE. WRITE? WHY AM I DOING THIS IN CAPS LOCK? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T CARE. IMPLID SWIRLIE!
6. LuFisto (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sure, she won the vacant WSU World Championship, but her real feat? Resurrection! Sure, Pegaboo is a small and simple organism, but everyone starts somewhere.
7. Brunch (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - Brunch is the only meal of the day where it's acceptable to be the only meal you eat all day. Mother's Day brunch is extra special because you get to eat like a pig while pretending it's all for the women in your life.
8. Damien 666 (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did he win the 24/7 Championship, but he saved a damsel in distress too! Although the video evidence raises more questions than it answers. For example, why was Christina von Eerie holding that woman hostage anyway? And why did she shriek when Damien destroyed her captor? And why did Damien decide it appropriate to dress up like a member of the goddamn Public Enemy? I NEED TO KNOW THESE ANSWERS.
9. Mark Henry (Last Week: 8) - In relation to that last SKOOPZ I had, the program with the sloth bear against Paige has been scrapped since Mark Henry killed said bear and now wears it as a scarf.
10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She was originally supposed to come out of the urn during the finale of Once Upon a Time last night instead of Elsa the Snow Queen, but the showrunners thought she'd be way too unrealistic and scary a villain for that timeslot.