Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, May 27

My only complaint is that it wasn't an atomic wedgie
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Alicia Fox (Last Week: 4) - Dude, she gave someone a wedgie last night. A WEDGIE. If that action isn't worthy of a number one slot this week, nothing is. NOTHING I SAY YOU.

2. "Smooth Sailing" Ashley Remington (Last Week: Not Ranked) - If Remington is not your favorite wrestling character, not even Chikara character, but dude in the entire world of wrestling, by the end of September, I will eat his hat. Or maybe I'll just eat one of his delicious-looking fruit baskets.

3. Daniel Bryan (Last Week: 3) - Bryan's not delaying the payoff of him dropping the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. He's biding his time until his bionic neck brace that will allow him to wrestle and increase his strength levels to Class 100 is ready. Trust me, I'm a nerd.

4. Paige (Last Week: 2) - I don't blame her for her loss last week. WWE has a special win-ability decreaser that it puts on every time a wrestler is near his or her hometown. In the case of those wrestling in non-North American locales, that power is multiplied exponentially. How else would it be explained to work when Norwich is 100+ miles away from London?

5. Mark Henry (Last Week: 8) - Look, I can't blame him for what happened on Main Event. If it takes Antonio Cesaro that kind of chicanery to get one over the The World's Strongest Man, then no one can get one over on The World's Strongest Man.

6. Buff Bagwell (Last Week: Not Ranked) - I know it seems like I'm overrating a single wrestling move, but c'mon now, if someone told you a WCW superstar-turned-gigolo would be doing flippy shit in a wrestling ring in 2014, wouldn't YOU be at least intrigued?

7. Heidi Lovelace (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She would've won the Absolute Championship on Saturday had she faced Eddie Kingston. Everyone knows the immutable laws of wrestling in that "if you beat someone once, they'll never ever beat you again." I think that's how the law goes. Or does it? I don't know. What I do know is that while I didn't see the match, my bet is that Michael Elgin defeated her by boring her to death by stating how he really, REALLY wants to be in the New Japan G1 tournament this summer.

8. Neko Case (Last Week: Not Ranked) - She had such a rad response to a sexist tweet. When are people gonna realize that a woman musician/actor/wrestler isn't some dainty breed that needs to stay separate from being compared to their male counterparts?

9. Hot Dogs (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - The iconic American sandwich was eaten by the million this weekend. I didn't have any, but by the time they came off the grill at both barbecues I was at, I was too full to eat anything else.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: In response to Kobald using the Royal Butterfly at the Chikara show Sunday, Sara del Rey spent Monday and Tuesday traveling to her destinations via the toilet transit system. She came out smelling as she normally would, because she knows how to keep the waste away.