Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Dispatches from the Lake: The Return

Is this how one becomes a Rosebud?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Here we are after the entirely pointless Battleground special event, and the name of the game is moving stories forward. This isn’t just happening on RAW and Smackdown. Superstars is actually doing it too! While kind of recap heavy, I was still happy to see a bunch of backstage segments that pertained to the matches on the show. They seem to be investing a bit more in the show, so bravo, WWE!

First match of the night was Heath Slater, accompanied by Hornswoggle, vs. Adam Rose. I’m really starting to think that Rose would work better as a heel, especially after this match, mostly because after Hornswoggle tried to interfere in the match, the Rosebuds pulled him off the ring apron, surrounded him, and horrifyingly indoctrinated him into the Exotic Express. Hornswoggle emerged from his anti-lemon cocoon clad in Rose’s t-shirt, glasses, and hat. All this match did was make me want to see how the rest of the Rosebuds were pulled into his cult. Were they all similarly abducted? Did some of them choose this life of constant partying? Was Slurms MacKenzie a Rosebud? You want some new WWE Network content? Give me a gritty, Unsolved Mysteries-type show that explores what the hell happened to these people.

Rose won the match, in case you were curious.

Second match was R-Truth vs. Alberto del Rio. Nothing of particular note happened during this one. The announcers did a solid job of giving the match some purpose. del Rio would be facing Roman Reigns on Smackdown, so he wanted to hone his skills on R-Truth. Why he would think a victory against truth would prepare him for Reigns in his current GOD MODE is beyond my understanding, but they gave us a reason for the match, so it’s cool.

As your blind, 95-year-old grandmother from Scottsdale whom you don’t call enough could have predicted, Del Rio won the match with a cross armbreaker.

The Old Man and the Recaps

The first Raw in the cycle before a big special event usually lets stuff happen. I’m all about stuff. My last post was a rant about how stuff never gets to happen in the WWE. I was very happy for stuff this week. I’m even going to type it one more time because it feels so good. STUFF. Ah, that’s the ticket right there…

Superstars this week was full of these recaps, so grab some Tension Tamer Tea and let’s dig in.

We started with the incredibly stupid two on one handicap match between Roman Reigns and the power house combo of Randy Orton and Kane. While I did appreciate Reigns being the voice of the people, saying no one wants to see Cena vs. Captain Ineffectual or Orton again, this match was just dumb. A men's handicap match on Raw never seems like a punishment. They stick Cena or Reigns in these things, but they’re never in any danger. Cena just steamrolls through his opponents, and Reigns got the win because Orton wouldn’t take a tag from the Captain, who then got murked. Switch it up a bit. The face can look vulnerable some times. Let's not ruin Reigns the way we're ruined Cena, eh WWE?

Reigns and Orton stared each other down after the match, so I’m sure we’ll see them fight at SummerSlam. It could be an interesting match, but we'll have to wait and see.

There were a few minutes dedicated to Chris Jericho’s beatdown at the hands of the Wyatts. I’m really not sure why we even got a match between these two at Battleground. They should have just held off until SummerSlam, especially since it seems like they are just going to run the same match again.

The new Xavier Woods stable was just mentioned, but they only do that so R-Truth can ramble about them a bit before Hammer-dancing off screen during a backstage segment on the show proper. I'm all about Hammer-dancing, but this was just a bit weird. That said, WWE is really stepping it up in terms of making the matches on Superstars seem like more than the dark matches that they are.

I thought it was a bit weird that Cena wasn’t at this show. He really needed to be here for the march towards SummerSlam. Not that I’m complaining. The last thing I need to hear is another ‘The Champ is Here’ victory promo, but my heart needed Brock Lesnar to F5 Cena and then have Heyman deliver his masterful promo over his charred corpse.

That promo was great, wasn’t it? It was better than great. I wanted to propose to this promo, marry it in an intimate ceremony in front of family and friends, and live out our days in a sweet cabin in beautiful Vermont. Heyman is a national treasure, and I wuv him. Not love, FULL ON WUV.

That said, I had flashbacks to Extreme Rules 2012 during the entire thing. I really hope WWE isn’t stupid enough to cut their BEAST off at the knees again, but one never knows.

Random Thoughts

  • Slater should have brained Flo Rida with a tire iron when he dared appear on WWE programing again.
  • There was a horribly stupid sign in the crowd that says ‘Miami is RAW’ with the I and M in Miami bolded. The poor grammar resulting from those bolded letters is making me angry.
  • Speaking of signs, that Beast for Business one was outstanding.
  • I really miss the black trunks Alberto Del Rio used to wear. No idea why, but thoroughly enjoyed them. When he switched from the white to the black, I got a whole Dark Phoenix vibe. I'm weird though, so I'm sure that was just me.
  • Triple H’s line to the cops, ‘Oh, you drive a hybrid? You must be proud of yourselves’ had me convulsing with laughter. It was all in the delivery. Just glorious.
  • Nothing annoys me more than people in the front rows jumping up and down, waving, and generally doing anything but watch the show they paid a ridiculous amount of money for when the camera is on them. It’s not only distracting, but is your life so empty that the thought of being on TV for literally five seconds is exciting? Boo. Boo to you.