Monday, October 13, 2014

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings, October 13

Allen was even able to make Sweet Saraya's nickname unironic
Photo via @SarayaKnight
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Stewart Allen (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Stewart Allen passed away this weekend due to complications from an unknown-as-of-now disease that was more than likely lymphoma. He was the co-founder of and a writer for Ring Belles, a site which I count among the Friends of the Blog. His final tweet, sadly enough, was a message of solidarity to Kris Travis, a British indie wrestler who recently disclosed that he has stomach cancer. Allen's passing is a major blow to the wrestling world, as he was beloved among those who knew and read him. It's also a reminder that cancer is a real motherfucker of a disease. Karl Stern, writer and podcaster for the Wrestling Observer site is also afflicted, as is the legendary Jake "The Snake" Roberts. The disease claimed so many people who are dear to me, dear to you, and dear to the wrestling industry from John Tenta and Jumbo Tsuruta to Giant Baba and Vincent J. McMahon. Cancer sucks, and that's why defeating it in all forms should be a major priority for everyone. Donate to reputable charities, and give comfort to those who suffer from it. A kind word can go a long way for a sufferer's psyche, even if it doesn't kill a single cancer cell. In the meantime, I offer my sincerest condolences to Allen's family and friends. May he rest in peace.

2. Paige (Last Week: 2) - Paige and Alicia Fox continue to get that synergy going, although Fox didn't break out the Surge this week. I wonder if Tony Schiavone has cut them off. He has gone a bit mad with power since President Obama named him Secretary of '90s Beverages.

3. AJ Lee (Last Week: 3) - I don't blame Lee for taking off on Emma. I mean, she does put off the "Hey, wasn't high school just the best times of our lives" vibe, and no one wants to hang around someone most likely to quote and emulate Matthew McConaughey's character from Dazed and Confused.

4. Jucy Lucy (Last Week: Not Ranked) OFFICIAL HOLZERMAN HUNGERS SPONSORED ENTRY - I don't care if they're grilled from fresh or if they've been frozen for a couple of months before grilling, the cheese-inside-the-burger innovation from Minnesota is unfuckwithable.

5. Mark Henry (Last Week: 4) - Usually, Smackdown is not worth tuning into, but apparently, he pulled off the WORLD'S STRONGEST SPINAROONI. It was the only time I have ever regretted tuning in.

6. Kana (Last Week: Not Ranked) - SHIMMER Women Athletes will be doing the second of its semiannual weekend wrestling festivals out in Berwyn, IL, and in a rare, non-WrestleMania weekend move, the promotion has announced a scheduled match in advance of the tapings. Kana will get a shot at Cheerleader Melissa's World Championship. Some might say that this announcement favors Melissa as she'll get a chance to prepare, but conversely, I think it favors Kana because now she knows to bring her heaviest duty swords this trip.

7. Dean Ambrose (Last Week: 1) - Ambrose's biggest challenge of 2014 will be making a "pole" match entertaining and not hokey whatsoever. While I have no doubts he can do so, I warned him, WARNED HIM, not to get tangled in John Cena's shit.

8. Cardinals Devil Magic (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Look, I'm not ranking this phenomenon here because I necessarily like it. The way the fucking St. Louis Cardinals win postseason baseball games is frustrating and annoying. But it's also a real phenomenon and it cannot be denied. Take for example Game Two of the National League Championship Series. A dude named Kolten Wong hit the game winning home run. Does that team have a magic name/body generator like NXT seems to have? Randall Grichuk might be a worse example of deviltry forming a man out of nigh nothing and turning him into a postseason baseball hero. I am deathly afraid of what this team is going to do going forward, but I have to recognize the awesome, evil power that the Cardinals seem to possess.

9. Connor Barwin (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The national media fell over itself to proclaim that the Cowboys were "back" and the best team in the NFL, so Barwin responded the only way he knew how. He ate Giants' tackle Justin Pugh for lunch and drove Eli Manning to the turf so many times that the younger Manning sibling's molecular composition is five percent Lincoln Financial Field turf. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES, baby.

10. Sara del Rey (Last Week: 10) - SARA DEL REY FACT: She is currently working on a robot that will be able to replicate the Sara del Rey experience at SHIMMER weekends, but so far, no power source on earth has been able to sustain such levels of energy and awesomeness.