Thursday, November 20, 2014

Dispatches from the Lake: No, YOUR Time Is Now

Cena needs to shock the world
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Soon as WWE announced that the Network would be free for November, I had a thought in my head. And that thought wasn’t rage, though I was plenty pissed I wouldn’t be allowed to partake in the free month because I signed up from day one. I have a feeling that many of you had the same thought, and have continued to have for low these many years.

It is time.


John Cena needs to turn heel. I can hear your eyes rolling from here, gentle reader. Please, let me explain.

Cena turning heel has massive, storyline-wide implications for WWE's on screen product. It shakes up the status quo and opens avenues for new angles. This is what I'm getting at - fresh material. If it isn’t Cena turning heel, then something equally huge and game changing needs to happen. I’m not even talking "Cult of Personality" hitting and CM Punk stalking to the ring. IT NEEDS TO BE BIGGER. I'm not talking the Ascension debuting as the new Wyatt followers. BIGGER.

In theory, the Network has the most eyes on it this month. As a company, WWE should be enticing these potential subscribers with must see content. They also need to stop touting (lower case t) the fact that you can cancel whenever you want. That’s not a good look. It smacks of desperation, which probably isn’t too far off the mark.

Though it would help drive interest in the short term, having Cena turn would not fix all the story problems WWE has. Pull the trigger on something huge Sunday, follow it up with a solid run towards WrestleMania, utilize your undercard, make Smackdown relevant again (especially with the return to Thursday night coming up) and we’re on our way to a solid product that people want to watch instead of those of us who tune in out of obligation each week. And for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, if a wrestler is able to get over in spite of the shitty booking, use that popularity instead of doing all you can to squash it. You know all about that. It's mentioned at least once an episode on the Monday Night Wars as a negative for WCW.

This is the fantasy narrative that’s been floating around in my head for the last month.

::places tinfoil hat on head::

John Cena overcomes those pesky odds at Survivor Series. Vince McMahon hits the ring to fire Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, then shakes hands with Cena, who proceeds to laugh maniacally about how now it’s all his. RAW opens the next night with him in the ring delivering a promo about how it’s all been a long con. I want Frank Fontaine levels of villainy. I want children crying and more shocked expressions in the crowd than when the Undertaker lost at WrestleMania. He blasts through anyone in his way, defeats Lesnar for the title since he’s finally embraced the dark side (evil will always triumph, because good is dumb), and sits atop a throne of skulls awaiting the next sad fool who dares to oppose him. The Universe belongs to him now, as it was foretold under the full moon by the gypsy who pulled him from his mother into this world.

There is zero percent chance this is going to happen. My tinfoil hat and I accept this as definite truth.

It’s not going to happen. That will be my mantra while watching on Sunday night. It’s not going to happen. It makes too much sense. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

But they need to do something. Whether it’s the Nexus reuniting (my fingers are crossed, Scott!) or a Crisis on Infinite Earths-style reboot of the WWE universe as we know it, SOMETHING needs to change. Why the hell would all those free subscribers decide to stick around if nothing does?