Tuesday, January 13, 2015

LIST-O-MANIA: Mick Foley at Wing Bowl

Can Foley prove he's the hardcore legend... OF CHICKEN WING EATING?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Mick Foley announced today that he will be participating in the Wing Bowl, a Philadelphia "tradition" that sees competitive eaters and gross amateurs pile into the CoreStates Wachovia First Union Wells Fargo Center and attempt to eat as many wings as possible in the early hours of the Friday morning the weekend of the Super Bowl for a throng of drunkards while bikini-clad women strut around for gawking purposes. Fun for the whole family! Anyway, just as he was known as the most hardcore wrestler during his active days, Foley is looking to amp up the difficulty so that he can be known as the most EXTREME wingador known to man. The following are a list of his stipulations to add to his degree of difficulty while scarfing down wings on January 30:
  • Will be required to eat the bones as well as the meat
  • Foley's wings to be covered in nuclear ghost chili sauce
  • New rule stating that competitors who've ever had an ear sheared off their heads must eat three wings for them to count as two
  • Will have mountains of chairs thrown at him as he attempts to eat
  • If he doesn't place in the top three, daughter Noelle will be forced to become a Wingette
  • Raw wing to be put in Foley's pile at random
  • Foley must kill all his chickens by hand before being able to eat them
  • If he doesn't place in the top five, son Dewey will be forcibly adopted by morning show host Angelo Cataldi
  • Vader to potato the shit out of him between wings
  • Mandatory wardrobe changes into each of the Three Faces of Foley
  • In twist of fate, CM Punk to berate him by saying he'll never be a true competitive wing eater until he can best John Cena
  • Wings to be shot out of a special "wing cannon" and must be caught by Foley in the mouth for them to count
  • Must eat wings while dictating his next children's book
  • Has to figure out how to eat wings while starting out competition with jaw wired shut
  • Also must compete while drug muling for former Wing Bowl Champion, "El Wingador" Bill Simmons
  • All the kids who got coal in their stockings for Christmas from Santa Claus to pelt him with said coal if he falls too far behind
  • To compete covered in rubber so that when a glue-covered Paul Heyman calls him a "prostitute," the words will bounce off him and stick back onto his former employer
  • Has to eat with Mr. Socko lodged in his mouth
  • Must finish wings before Undertaker throws him from atop the cell
As stringent as those stipulations sound, at least the conditions will be better than when he worked for TNA.