Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 14

A ton of Randy Savage SCOOPS this week
Photo Credit:
HORB FLERBMINBER is back ONCE AGAIN to give all you ungrateful peons the scoops you don't deserve but that sustain your pathetic lives anyway. My weekly NEWS REPORT has everything you need to keep your brains occupied between episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I have news. I have rumors. I have baseless slander. I EVEN HAVE PUPPIES. WHO WANTS A PUPPY? Contact me to find out where and when you can get one. I swear it's not a Ponzi scheme.

As you may know, I can't deliver all these breaking stories myself. Did you know that back in the days before the Internet, I had an ARMY of sentient rollerskates that brought me tidbits from around the wrestling world? WELL NOW, I DON'T NEED THOSE INGRATES ANYMORE. I have you, the people who send me tips and don't care if I give you no credit for them. If you have tip, or even a scanned picture of a postcard that HASN'T been defiled by those PostSecret jerks, send it my way to Also, if you want only the latest in scoops straight up to the very instant they happen, you need to follow me on the Twitters, @HorbFlerbminber. Do you remember the time I reported that Kevin Nash was being arraigned on charges he killed the President in 1963? OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T, because you don't follow me on Twitter yet. DO IT.

If you need back issues of the SKOOPZ newsletter, then contact me using an intricate series of smoke signals that I learned from a man who claimed he was Jesus Christ's third cousin, 27,000 times removed while traveling on the CSX freight lines a few years ago. If you do, I will send you all the back newsletters you can fit in a satchel. What size satchel you bring is up to you, but it has to be a satchel. NO SCHOOL-STYLE BOOKBAGS, OKAY?

I also need questions sent to me for my upcoming interview with Andy Kaufman. Oh shit, spoiler alert, Kaufman's faking his death and he's going to come back on an episode of Smackdown to choke out Jerry Lawler with piano wire as revenge for all those years in Memphis. Personally, WWE is wasting him on that shitmire of a show. Anyway, ask anything you want, but you have to send the questions via sealed envelope to my special dropbox in the Sierra Nevada mountains. If you e-mail me, I will send you the super-secret map with instructions on how to beat the Bandersnatch guarding it.

Also, you can finally purchase the tenth anniversary edition of my book, Bryan Alvarez Smells Like Doo-Doo, which I co-wrote with Colin Mockrie. It includes a foreword from the members of the NODURTSHEETS dot com message board, and all new accusations of plagiarism, malfeasance, and simony against Alvarez. It also comes with a free pint of gasoline and a pack of matches just in case you get called to a civil trial for a suit Alvarez has against me for libel so you can burn the book without it being used as evidence.

Also, be kind, rewind.

- In the news story of the week, "Macho Man" Randy Savage will finally be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame after years of being the biggest exclusion from the group. Many theories abound as to why Savage and WWE chairman Vince McMahon had a falling out. Some say it was Savage leaving for WCW, while others hold onto the brash conspiracy theory that Savage had an illicit affair with Stephanie McMahon before she was of age. All those rumors are actually FALSE. Savage actually made a joke that he was going to crush up some leaves and shove them into his new girlfriend's vagina, embarrassing McMahon and proving that Savage covertly read his dream journal behind his back.

- Lanny Poffo commented on why he relented and gave McMahon permission to induct his brother posthumously into the Hall. "McMahon's offer moved me. INTO A BIGGER HOUSE. Oh no, I said the loud part soft and the soft part loud."

- McMahon's first choice to induct Savage was Lex Luger, and let me tell you, even I thought that was inappropriate.

- Contrary to what was announced on RAW, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair will take turns inducting Savage into the Hall of Fame talking about all the times they ended Savage's various WWE and WCW World Championship reigns.

- CM Punk is currently bitter.

- TNA has announced that it wants to be an "alternative" to WWE now more than ever. In other news, I am formally announcing that I want to be Kate Upton's fuck-buddy now more than ever.

- WWE has announced NXT will be hitting the road with its first date outside of Florida on March 5 in Columbus, OH. Urban Meyer has done it again!

- Daniel Cormier title for three days, weeks, UFC heavyweight champion Jon Jones effective protection against interference from 4 December, he comes to the treatment plant after experimental treatment is tested for cocaine. "I am very seriously considering this, I am in drug treatments," UFC president Dana White and his self-released a statement on the progress of Ministers said in a statement, and. This is, however, his mother, one day after Jones rihaba just came out, showed.

- Pro Wrestling Guerrilla announced this week that at its first show in 2015, World Champion Roderick Strong would defe... wait, PWG strapped Roderick Strong? For real? Like this isn't some kind of rib? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH MAN.

- Lucha Underground's second season begins tap... AHAHAHAHA, no, I just still can't get the idea that a real live wrestling company actually put its top Championship on Roderick Fucking Strong in the year 2015 of our Lord. Seriously, WHO DOES THAT? I thought Super Dragon was supposed to be a good booker. Oh man. Hold on, let me catch my breath here.

- Still catching it. Still catching it. Okay.

- Lucha Underground's second season begins taping as soon as the East Los Angeles Rotary Club finishes its annual swap meet at The Temple.

- In related news, Nigel McGuinness stated that he came up with his idea for LA Fights all by himself with no help from anyone.

- Sergio Brown imitated Ric Flair's famous "jet-ridin'" spiel after the Colts beat the Broncos in the NFL playoffs Sunday. After the tape stopped rolling, he further imitated the Nature Boy by heading to the bar and maxing out his credit card buying drinks for everyone before calling Vince McMahon for a cash advance.

- NWA World Heavyweight Champion Rob Conway is currently recovering from an emergency appendectomy. Sources say that R. Bruce Tharpe is getting the removed appendix bronzed, mounted on a leather strap, and christened as a brand new, yet-to-be-named NWA Championship.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 74% of you think that Vince McMahon is the Antichrist, while 26% think he's just a false prophet heralding the coming of the Antichrist. This week: