Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 16

WAS ROMAN KEPT STRONG?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Well, well, well, look who's back with all the news that's fit to cram in your disgusting, entitled maws. HORB FLERBMINBER is back, that's who. I have more scoops than BASKIN-ROBBINS. I mine more nuggets than the FORTY-NINERS OF THE CALIFORNIA GOLD RUSH. I make more stories up than SHEL SILVERSTEIN. Wait, no, I never make stories up. ALL MY NEWS SCOOPS ARE 100% REAL AND LIKE THE BOOB LADY ON SEINFELD, THEY ARE SPECTACULAR. You get the STRAIGHT DOPE from ol' Horb. Did you miss out on who was originally supposed to win the Royal Rumble? I'll give you a hint, his name rhymes with Kulk Kogan. And if you missed out on my scoops in the past, you'll never know which ROH wrestler went back in time to kidnap the Lindbergh baby.

I may mine all the scoops that I humanly can, but I also need your help to get me the choicest cuts, the deepest burns, the SICKEST RUMORS. If you have tips that you would love to hand over, but aren't necessarily in need of credit for those tips, you should totally e-mail them to me at ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. If you have any funny chain letters from your grandmother, because I need all the conservative tips for waiting out SOCIALIST BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA's tyrannical reign as Dictator in Chief. Also, if you want UP TO THE NANOSECOND SCOOPS, you need to follow me on the Twitters, @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't follow me, then how will you know when Dixie Carter bounces paychecks in an attempt to lure Paul Heyman to TNA? YOU WON'T.

If you need to catch up on any back issues, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to your mom. OOH, SICK BURN.

I'm also making myself available for parties, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, weddings, funerals, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, corporate retreats, and donkey shows. I will do anything you want me to, but I won't do that. I can try to sell you on everything I do myself, but I'll let the testimonials do the talking, like this one, from Hard Waycolor from Scroggins Draw, TX:
Horb showed up at my father's retirement party wearing the Borat thong, a ball-gag, and thigh-high stockings with no shoes. My dad tried to take him home.
Another satisfied customer.

Also, remember to floss as well as brush. You can't get to all the dirt in your teeth just by brushing, you know.

- The big news this week is the Royal Rumble. Roman Reigns won the event and was booed lustily by Philadelphia fans even though The Rock, Chase Utley, Rocky Balboa, the Phillie Phanatic, and Tony Luke came out to help him overcome The Authority's machinations.

- Gabe Sapolsky was quoted as saying "Reigns got that reaction because Philadelphia's a shitty town," and then went into a catatonic state rattling off every wrestling-related hash-tag from the last five years.

- The adverse reaction to Reigns winning the Rumble left Vince McMahon and his creative team scrambling to change the WrestleMania card again, and they still came up with Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus as the best option.

- Preliminary plans include Paul Heyman to turn on Brock Lesnar and for Reigns to become a Paul Heyman guy, marking a dramatic shift in strategy away from making him look strong.

- Dolph Ziggler challenged Daniel Bryan to a match at Mania in an attempt to steal the show, so expect Ziggler to face Big Show, while Bryan gets Kane.

- The Philadelphia crowd also turned hard on A New Day, chanting several times during their pre-show tag match and during the Rumble "New Day sucks." Vince McMahon was overheard muttering "They called me racist for creating this stable? OUR FANS ARE THE REAL RACISTS!"

- Triple H is scheduled to appear on the Steve Austin Podcast in a special live episode like the one his father-in-law appeared on late last year. Expect Trips to change the subject a lot to NXT during the meat of the show, and for him to pin Austin one last time after the show is over.

- Ratings for the RAW after the Royal Rumble were slightly up despite the cancellation of the live event and the telecast being nothing but a glorified episode of the 1980s version of Superstars with studio interviews and pre-taped matches. This proves beyond any shadow of ANY doubt that the #CancelWWENetwork movement was a huge failure, and that the only people who were angry at the event were entitled millennial Daniel Bryan fans, thus proving Vince McMahon one-billion percent CORRECT.

- Back to Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro not as a registered Ultimate Fighter Brazil (Chael s√łnnen problems with the / Brazil Wanderlei Silva fight), which test samples of Southern California and Brazil. The 21 men are looking for a woman is in good condition, and can work and does not come without sports resources, the United States live in the era of pornography or sports, Wednesday, North Hollywood to participate in the trial not linked to war. There is no reason to speak Portuguese, but it is a big advantage. Will be shooting, 2.2 to 3.8 is $ 750 Los Vegasissa.Voittajat week and $ 40 per day and travel management and hotel, which will be paid Brazil presentation, end of.

- Chikara also had a show on Sunday, but I was too hungover from Saturday night to go, so find out the results on your own, you jerks.

- Manny Pacquiao filmed a Funny or Die skit about becoming a pro wrestler. After watching it, Dixie Carter immediately sent him an eight-digit contract offer to work for TNA.

- WWE Network has finally passed the one-million subscriber mark, although it's estimated 43% of those subs are shell accounts owned by Vince McMahon to inflate numbers.

- Jim Ross had Mark Madden on his podcast this week despite repeated warnings from the Environmental Protection Agency not to, as that much hot air in one spot could lead to rapid acceleration of climate change.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 69% percent of you were nice. This week's poll: