Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 19

Photo Credit: Lee South/
HORB FLERBMINBER here, and boy have I got scoops for you THIS WEEK. I've got so much news that NBC has asked me to replace BRIAN WILLIAMS. I know so many SCOOPS that I've been given the lucrative endorsement contract for BREYER'S ICE CREAM. I know so much gossip that WWE employees ask ME what the latest dirt is so they can selectively leak those juicy nuggets to other dirtsheet writers. I AM THE BEST NEWSMAN IN WRESTLING, AND I ALSO HAVE THE MOST VOLUMINOUS TESTICLES. I had them scientifically tested and everything.

I cannot and WILL not soldier on fetching the news for you from the information well by myself. I need people who are willing to send me tips and who are also not afraid of letting me take all the credit for myself. If you fulfill both of those requirements, you can send me everything you know about wrestling, REAL wrestling, and the Priory of Sion. All e-mails go to I am also on Twitter, dispensing the most vital scoops whenever they drop in REAL TIME, people. You need to click the follow button on @HorbFlerbminber.

Back issues of the newsletter are once again available for the public with the exception of the following people:
  • Dave Meltzer
  • Bryan Alvarez
  • Barry Alvarez
  • Paul Chryst
  • Ron Dayne
  • Taylor Dayne
  • Cyndi Lauper
  • Lou Albano
  • Afa AND Sika
  • Roman Reigns
You all know what you've done.

I'm proud to announce a new sponsor for Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ, Gimbel's Department Store! Located in... wait, Gimbel's closed in 1987? THEN WHO'D I TALK TO LAST NIGHT ON THE PHONE? I guess it's back to selling bodily fluids for science for supplemental funds, although I've donated so much blood in the last two weeks that I'm pretty sure I'm legally dead in three states.

Be sure to catch me on public access television if you live in Flagstaff, Arizona. I will be discussing the latest wrestling news as well as my plan to catapult everyone in the state into the Gulf of California except RJ Brewer, John McCain, and Lon Kruger, whether immigrant or not. Arizona has too many people. TOO MANY.

Don't you forget about me.

- Samoa Joe announced on Twitter yesterday that he and Impact Wrestling would be parting ways. His contract was up, and he decided against renewing it when someone finally pointed out to him that the facial tattoo he was forced to get for an angle five years ago actually looked like a penis.

- Joe is rumored to draw interest from WWE, as Triple H, John Cena, and William Regal all are high on him and want him in the fold. However, Vince McMahon is wary at signing the Ring of Honor veteran because he's one of the 17 native Samoans who is NOT part of the Anoa'i family, and thus doesn't have a character reference within the business.

- Joe reportedly could go to New Japan Pro Wrestling, where he would undoubtedly join the Bullet Club, which would be a tremendous move filling out a stable that still has room to grow.

- Hey, remember when TNA stuck Joe in the Main Event Mafia? Man, that was the most bloated stable EVER.

- UFC was rumored to be interested in Joe to put him against CM Punk for a legendary fourth bout in their epic series of matches, but in order for Joe to make weight against Punk, Dana White would have to, and I quote, "pump him up with enough drugs to make Keith Richards blush," and everyone knows UFC is a drug-free environment.

- Rory McDonald's drug test results came in yesterday, and his blood type is now listed as "testosterone."

- CM Punk recently said that MMA and pro wrestling were the same thing. SEE, PUNK SAID IT, SO IT MUST BE TRUE. TRUEUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEE.

- Vince McMahon is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine this month, which is shown BELOW:

- NXT talents are preparing for their tour of Ohio in conjunction with the Arnold Classic by pretending they care about the Arnold Classic.

- Regarding my report that Vince Russo was going to take over as lead writer, executive producer, and lead announcer for Lucha Underground last week, I was mistaken. Russo has only put those things on his resume as padding to attempt to get the prestigious assistant manager position at the Nostrand Ave. Checkers in Brooklyn.

- In an attempt to boost his popularity, the role of Roman Reigns will now be played by Benedict Cumberbatch.

- CHIKARA CLASH-MASH OF THE IMPOTENT DRAFT RESULTS: No one picked any member of Migos, so it was a SHAM.

- Nick Diaz Hector Lombard Anderson Silva, Nevada to the Committee on Tuesday to discuss the C way not expected to reject hearing a lot of good news Dana White, show of the night. At least a temporary victory if time does not appear full suspension suspension. White and Lorenzo Fertitta cases the decision of the PED a press conference Wednesday.

- Last week's poll results are in, and 68% of you think Vince McMahon should be hanged, 30% want death by firing squad, and 2% voted for Mr. Wrestling II, for some reason. Anyway, this week's poll: