Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 20

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HORB FLERBMINBER back again with all the scoops that you want, nay, NEED in your life, and I filed my report LIVE from my bed at CHICAGO GENERAL HOSPITAL. That's right, I am bringing you ALL THE SCOOPS I CAN despite having my jaw WIRED SHUT by CM Punk for the second time in months. I camped out in his TOILET to get all the inside news about his ass-bulge to BREAK THE CASE OPEN about his infection and malfeasance accusations against Dr. Amann. Who else would camp out in a toilet? Huh? Not Wade Keller. Certainly not Mike Johnson. Jason Powell will, but he's a sick freak with a fetish. BUT I CAMP THERE FOR THE NEWS.

Of course, I can't mine all the scoops when I am camped out in septic systems. I need YOUR HELP and I need you NOT TO CARE if you get credit or not. So if you have any tips, scoops, rumors, or leads on where I can find ass cream, you know, the good kind that removes cellulite lumps, send them to Of course, if you want all the best scoops at a MOMENT's notice, follow me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber. For example, who was the man who jumped all over the scoop that Sting would use the SLOP DROP, a move he'd never used before, at Fast Lane? IT WAS ME.

I have a history of great scoops, and you can find them in my archives. Where are my archives? Well, if you find out, let me know. I've been looking for them for WEEKS.

A benefit show is going to be held this Saturday, February 28, at the Elks Lodge No. 1620 in Salmon, ID at 3:30 PM local time. The benefits will go to the BOFA/ALDISS Foundation, which is a charitable organization to help the victims of online fake scoops. Did you know that 24 cut-and-paste site operators every day fall for incorrect news scoops from parody and impostor Twitter accounts? These poor webmasters and reporters need YOUR help to stop falling for these vicious, sick troll accounts, so head on out to the show. The headline match will be a WWE Contract on a Pole match between Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles. Lanny Poffo will suck his own dick, and Dennis Stamp will not be booked.

Remember the tiiiiiiime.... do you remember the tiiiiiiiime.

- CM Punk's ass has come into focus as WWE has posted several pictures in an attempt to disprove his claims that he had a baseball-sized growth stemming from a staph infection that was misdiagnosed by Dr. Christopher Amann. Fan videos have come up in rebuttal, clearly showing that something was growing out of Punk's ass at the time. My investigative report came up as inconclusive, as Punk never once showed his ass over the toilet while I was staked out there. However, I can report that Colt Cabana loves pad Thai, AJ Lee can feel eyes upon her, and Punk has a really powerful plunger.

- Dr. Amann's defamation suit against Punk and Cabana will now become a class-action lawsuit, as everyone Cabana has ever talked shit on while recording the Art of Wrestling podcast has joined up as a co-plaintiff.

- Meanwhile, my lawsuit against Punk from the last time he broke my jaw has been thrown out, because apparently, if I am "breaking and entering" on his property, he is by law allowed to do whatever he wants to me.

- Brock Lesnar apparently left WWE RAW this past Monday in a huff over an altercation with upper management. Vince McMahon made the call to switch from Jimmy John's to Subway as the official sub provider at craft services, which made Lesnar angry enough to leave Nashville and hop on his plane back to his mudhut somewhere in the Black Hills.

- With Lesnar's status with the company in jeopardy, McMahon is looking into available venues for a Championship tournament in Rio de Janeiro.

- SMACKDOWN SPOILERS: Daniel Bryan sucked into a vortex into the Intercontinental Championship scene, pronounced dead upon arrival. Nikki Bella to address AJ Lee tweets suggesting that Stephanie McMahon should give her female wrestlers more attention by saying Lee is jealous that the Bellas get two Hot Pockets apiece and Lee only gets one as her weekly payment. Some other shit that really won't matter happens because holy shit, fuck Smackdown.

- Samoa Joe will return to Ring of Honor for a slew of dates in the month of March in an attempt to wash the stench of TNA off him so he can get a gig in NXT.

- Brian and I were talking last night. Show us eager to US dollars nights Beth, you have to pay $ 85,000. View unprecedented in the history of the war UCF 11 Ft, is a mistake. It showed that the expression of a full-year loss of Game Books Boxing / MMA has become corrupt, it can be said that this is the worst in Las Vegas. Almost all of our work (and I have the best 1-4) and 0-5.

- The Rock presented an award at the Academy Awards on Sunday night, and later on in the evening, he introduced the Best Supporting Actress nominees by singing a song about them on acoustic guitar, calling them all sluts and bitches.

- The 24/7 Hardcore Championship hasn't been defended since November of last year. A lone fan was seen poking Chuck Taylor's Instagram account with a stick, saying "Do stuff" to it.

- Ring of Honor's 13th Anniversary pay-per-view is live from Las Vegas Sunday night. CEO Joe Koff has said he will bet all the proceeds from the event on black after the show in an attempt to win enough money to sign Brock Lesnar for one or two shows after he leaves WWE.

- An arrest warrant has been put out for Jim Ross after his latest podcast with Shane Helms. Ross will be charged with cruel and unusual punishment of his subscribers.

- The #GiveDivasAChance trended worldwide last night, which is the first thing R-Truth has accomplished, accidentally or not, in years.

- The Paul Heyman promo to Roman Reigns last night was actually trimmed down extensively from the original draft. The following list are other people against whom Heyman would have bet in favor of Reigns:
  • Lou Thesz in 1946
  • Bill Goldberg in 1998
  • Little Man and Fat Boy in 1945
  • The Mongol Hordes in 1200
  • Pontius Pilate in 33
  • The Anti-Monitor in Crisis on Infinite Earths #12
  • The meteorite that caused the Cretaceous Extinction Event in 65,000,000 BC
  • The Big Bang
...and the list just goes on and on. It's longer than Chris Jericho's list of 1,004 holds. Jesus.

- Solomon Crowe rescued a driver from an overturned vehicle yesterday. Jeez, the guy JUST debuts on NXT television, and he's already getting booked in heroism angles? NXT MOVES TOO FAST.

- Reports that UFC will implement extensive drug testing in July are actually just a huge rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.

- Poll results are in, and 45% of you think you can take Brock Lesnar in a fight, 27% think it would be a split decision, 20% think he'd back down because he'd be scared of you, and 8% of you are laughing at the other 92% for being absolutely full of shit. This week's poll: