|Get used to this, plebes|
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Of course, since this is a special edition of the newsletter, I'm going to have to have you all lean harder on my Twitter account for the latest scoops and nuggets. You get on that Twitter machine and you follow @HorbFlerbminber. I have all the breaking news tweets, like on the details of the biggest signing of the MILLENNIUM, Bram re-signing with TNA. THAT'S HUGE. Also, if you have tips, especially delicious, delicious beef tips, send them to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmaill.com
Do you want back issues of the newsletter? Too bad, but you can get baby got back issues of the newsletter. As long as you have a big butt and you cannot lie, then my other brothers will not deny.
And now, your WRESTLEMANIA SPOILERS:
- The NXT mini-tournament to be contested at Axxess for a spot on the WrestleMania card will be won by none other than Baron Corbin, who will give everyone the Fall of Days, or is it the End of Ruin? Damnation Street? Whatever the fuck his finisher's called to all the other competitors at the same time, a call that was made by Vince McMahon once he saw the heights of all the competitors involved and pitched a hissy-fit that no one over 6'3" was entered in the fray.
- The Tag Team Championship match will be bumped from the pre-show all the way back to 11 AM Eastern time (that's 8 AM local) for exclusive view on Yahoo! Video because McMahon doesn't trust a European, a Hart, minorities, and ethnics to draw people from the preshow to the actual event. No one knows who's going over at this point, because no one cares.
- The preshow match will be a posedown featuring Alex Riley, Booker T, Byron Saxton, Ryback, and Arnold Classic runner-up Branch Warren. Warren is slated to win, which will cause Riley to RAGE.
- LL Cool J will kick off the show by singing "The Accidental Racist" in an attempt to make anyone who would boo Roman Reigns in the main event to leave early, but instead, Mark Henry will come out and turn him into a grease stain on the mat. Bob Uecker will then take over as guest host.
- The Intercontinental Championship match is slated to open the show. Baron Corbin will wander out from the back when everyone's selling the big death spot and take the title even though everyone will be telling him he's supposed to be in the Andre the Giant battle royale as he's walking to the ring.
- Seth Rollins will get the win on Randy Orton when Migos, who will be accompanying Orton to ringside, turn on him and conduct a five-on-one beatdown on him with J and J Security while Rollins distracts the ref. After the match, Orton will punt Quavo of the group, who will be replaced with Zayn Malik, formerly of One Direction.
- A segment featuring Statler and Waldorf from the MUPPETS will watch the latest NXT special and make uncharacteristically mean-spirited and unfunny comments as if they were written by someone else than a normal Muppet writer. Afterwards, Charlotte and Sasha Banks will come in and say that they're just as talented as men, to which Ron Simmons will say DAMN to make everyone laugh.
- John Cena will defeat Rusev cleanly with an Attitude Adjustment and a Chris Jericho-like flexing "C'MAWN BAYBAY" one foot on the chest pin attempt. He will then drape Lana in the American flag and have intercourse with her before taking Vladimir Putin from the back and decapitating him in front of the live audience.
- In a backstage segment, Zayn Malik will be punted by Randy Orton, and Baron Corbin will take his place in One Direction.
- Triple H and Sting ends with Sting accepting a handshake from Stephanie McMahon before she literally plunges a knife in his back. Triple H will then pin the WCW logo for the victory.
- Baron Corbin will win the Andre the Giant Battle Royale despite everyone following him from the back and saying "HAVEN'T YOU DONE ENOUGH TONIGHT?" trailing him and trying to keep his dead-eyed stare from stalking to the ring ten minutes late.
- Undertaker and Bray Wyatt will battle to a no-contest when Taker will mutter "I'm gettin' too old for this shit, you wanna go to Del Taco?" Wyatt will agree, and the two will never be seen in WWE again.
- Nikki Bella will pin AJ Lee in the Divas tag match after doing every single one of Triple H's signature moves to her and finishing her with a pedigree onto a literal brass ring. After the match, Bella and her sister Brie will do crotch chops over Lee while Paige is distracted trying to shoo away the legions of people who want to buy her used ring gear who have been mysteriously let into the ringside area. In the chaos, Baron Corbin will appear, hand an In and Out napkin to the referee while shouting "I WANT TO CASH IN MONEY IN THE BANK." He hits Nikki Bella with the Coup de Man, or the Wrong Way Driver of Days, or CAN SOMEONE FACT CHECK THIS ASSHOLE'S FINISHER'S NAME FOR ME? Anyway, he wins the Divas Championship.
- In the main event, Brock Lesnar will reveal that his re-signing with WWE was all a WORK and after giving Roman Reigns 15 F5s, he will sign his UFC contract on the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Belt. However, this will give Reigns enough time to recover and hit Lesnar with his new finisher, the Penis to the Face, where he will hit his victim with his surgically-enhanced 14-inch phallus. Reigns will win the title, and McMahon will come out and cut a 45 minute promo about how "you people" are disrespectful and how Reigns is the future of the business. Seth Rollins will attempt to cash in, but he will be taken out by a sniper who doesn't want Reigns' moment to be ruined. Reigns will celebrate in a special dome constructed to keep the feces being hurled at him from the crowd from touching his skin.
- Last week's poll results were eaten at Brock Lesnar's celebratory re-signing luncheon at Jimmy John's yesterday afternoon. This week: