Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Issue 33

"How's the news feed, guys?"
Well, well, well, HORB FLERBMINBER is back to dispense the biggest news of the day, isn't he? YES HE IS. AND HE CAN REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON BECAUSE HE GETS ALL THE NEWS THAT DAVE MELTZER HIMSELF USING PROFESSOR X'S CEREBRO CAN. I am just that damn good.  YOU HEAR THAT HELMSLEY, I STOLE YOUR CATCHPHRASE, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I am the man who works night and day, day and night to get you all the news. Like this week, remember when I broke news that Vince McMahon was cured of blindness by ingesting dangerous amounts of saltpeter? THAT WAS ME, ASSHOLES.

Anyway, I can't be unearthing all the scoops, because too many are to be had for even me, the most STUDIOUS and INDUSTRIOUS NEWSMAN IN RECORDED HISTORY. That's why I need your help to send me tips. ALL THE TIPS. NEWS TIPS. FROSTED TIPS. BEEF TIPS. Seriously, send me your beef tips, I am starving, I've only had instant oatmeal and horse piss to ingest all week. Send everything you have, EVERYTHING, to If you expect credit though, too bad. ALL INFORMATION BECOMES PROPRIETARY INFORMATION OF HORB FLERBMINBER ENTERPRISES, LLC. Also, if you want up-to-the-millisecond information, you need to follow me on the Twitter machines, @HorbFlerbminber. IF you follow me on Twitter, you'll know when the meatiest nuggets drop, like the time I broke the news that Lance Storm does not care for eating pussy.

Back issues of the newsletter are available, but if you want front or side issues, then you need to chill out, okay? Those issues are made of dark matter, and are volatile to the touch. If you lay them down on the wrong material, they will cause an annihilating reaction. I can't even be talking about this right now. I've said too much!

The newsletter this week is sponsored by Top, Brooklyn's best high-end Maruchan Top Ramen restaurant. If you're a hipster who loves paying incredible markup for things that folks living in poverty struggle to afford, then you will love Top. They come to your table, open the plastic wrapping, pour the boiling water and seasoning mix over the noodles, and serve you water from a hose, all for the low, low prix fixe pricing option of $39.95 per person. This is the classiest sponsorship I have ever received, so please eat here like 50 times a week. I don't want to lose this cash.

Remember, the night is dark and full of terrors.

- HUGE BREAKING NEWS: Gabe Sapolsky has announced a huge deal he made with WWE. He has subscribed to WWE Network.

- Twitter users have dug up old Jessicka Havok tweets that were racist, homophobic, and insensitive to AIDS victims. The users retweeted them as she was in the ring during her WWE tryout. Once WWE officials caught wind of these tweets, they offered her a contract right there. Michael PS Hayes was quoted as saying "NOW THAT'S MY KIND OF WRESTLER."

- The following is an exhaustive list of wrestlers who were at the Performance Center for a tryout this past weekend: Drew Gulak, Biff Busick, Chuck Taylor, Johnny Gargano, Johnny-5, Johnny B. Badd, Glaad Badd, Taeler Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix's pup, Mikey Nicholls, Shane Haste, Shane McMahon, Athena, Zeus, Ares, Tursas, N√łkken, H-Town and their hit single "Knockin' Da Boots," Chuck Taylor, Chunk, Sloth, Rock Strongo, Lance Uppercut, Max Power, Dirk Diggler, John Darnielle, Danielle Matheson, and Tom "The Big Dog™" Blackett.

- Vince McMahon is unimpressed that no one is reaching for the brass ring except for Seth Rollins. In other news, McMahon also OKed RAW scripts that have advanced the Dolph Ziggler/Lana/Rusev love triangle.

- The 40 finalists have been announced for Tough Enough, and they are The Big O, 19 clones of Tyson Tomko and 20 clones of Eva Marie.

- KUSHIDA defeated Kyle O'Reilly to win Best of the Super Juniors, in a match I have given five tissues to out of five.

- Several members of the creative team have urged Vince McMahon not to let John Cena get his win back immediately against Kevin Owens. However, Cena has vetoed any idea of Owens going over him, and is planning on unifying the United States and NXT Championships after urinating on Owens' fallen body at Money in the Bank.

- Hulk Hogan and CM Punk engaged in a Twitter feud over... hockey? Really? Holy shit, I'll report on anything, apparently.

- WWE is considering acquiring a physical building to house its Hall of Fame. Reports state that Vince McMahon wants to buy the Impact Zone, put the Hall of Fame there, and wave his penis at Dixie Carter just for shits and giggles.

- Tyson Kidd will be out for an extended period of time after suffering an injury at the hands of Samoa Joe in a dark match before RAW two weeks ago. McMahon has deemed these indie workers to be too unsafe, and has made the executive decision to have Baron Corbin defeat Owens for the NXT Title in "Rio de Janeiro."

- WWE has cancelled a reunion show for the Kliq on the Network for the reason that not enough people will see it. The reunion special instead will air live on the June 22 episode of Monday Night RAW.

- Jeff Jarrett tried signing CM Punk to Global Force Wrestling, but it was all a rib on him from the boys, who gave him Corey Graves' phone number instead.

- But a lot of ideas, but for two years the California Athletic Commission Mike Bellator rich man, fight Dantas night attack, but stopped drug testing. Among the features of a census,. Richman is very difficult to deal with when he left.

- WWE is considering bringing back the Wrestle Vessel cruise. When confronted about the bad rap cruise ships have gotten lately, Vince McMahon replied, "WE GOT 90,000 SAPS TO BUY DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER, WE CAN CERTAINLY GET ENOUGH DUMMIES TO PAY US MONEY TO COME ON A FUCKIN' CRUISE SHIP. FUCK YOU."

- Contrary to reports that McMahon wants to break up Lana and Rusev in real life, he stated "NO, I JUST WANT TO CUCK RUSEV ONCE, JUST FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES. FUCK YOU."

- The Dudley Boys are mad because Luke Harper and Erick Rowan are using 3D as their finish right now, because wrestling moves never get recycled and in fact are retired once the people who use them die.

- Chris Hero wrestled for three hours on Sunday, and boy were his arms tired.

- Last week's poll and this week's poll are both being held ransom by the yakuza for $20,000. I am so, so sorry.