Thursday, October 22, 2015

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 143

Could you stand up to even a doped-up Brock Lesnar?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers!

I need to make some assumptions here. First of all, one dart full of rhino tranquilizers will not be enough to subdue Lesnar. I'd say three or four would be sufficient to give you a fighting chance. Even then, I'd feel a lot better if you were on bath salts and not PCP. But after careful consideration, I think I'd still put money on Lesnar. I'm not sure he gives an actual fuck, and the loss in strength he'd get from the tranqs would be offset by the lowered inhibitions. Basically, you'll have to ward him off from biting you or wailing on your junk, and I'm not sure anyone can do that unless he's totally out.

I see this answer going two ways. One is a canned, captive audience much like how NXT is taped at Full Sail, and the other is a full on Tuesday Night Titans format. Both would have serious potential from a quality standpoint, and it might help to have a captive audience reacting to the same guys week in and week out in an attempt to help sweeten their crowd reactions without resorting to piped-in noise. The TNT format may be a bit dated in 2016 though. Either way, ANYTHING is worth trying to give Smackdown its own identity instead of "show that looks and feels just like RAW only it has blue tones instead of red."

First thing's first; Chikara is a FAMILY FRIENDLY wrestling promotion, so while you can bring your kids, you may not cuss or be rude or that sort of thing. Secondly, no video photography is allowed, although digital and flash photography are encouraged. Third, please do not feed the Batiri, they mutate if you feed them after midnight. Four, Chikara may be way out there compared to some other promotions, but for as much continuity as it has, every show is self-contained and can be enjoyed by first-timers as much as they can be for long-haulers like myself. Basically, just sit down, relax, enjoy the show, and cheer for the people you feel deserve it. And if you do need a refresher on things to know, then just check out the Chikara tag on here.

Totally. On NXT, even if he lost a lot of high-profile matches, he was still a gatekeeper, a big-swinging dick if you will. I mean, he has clean wins over Sami Zayn and Hideo Itami for crying out loud. His entrances are must see, he gets promo time, and he's a hell of a hand. He's going from being a unique character of importance to being called a "lazy millennial" by Dolph Ziggler as part of the most superfluously drawn-out and poorly-written running angle on main roster television. Can anyone expect him to get over in that quagmire? People don't even cheer Ziggler as vociferously as they did six months ago, and then, he was just floating around doing jobs for whatever hot heel WWE wanted to give a rub to. It's insane.

Since the Thunder Frog seems to be back and I'll be shocked if anyone BUT Kobald comes up out of the toilet to join the Arcane Horde, I'm going to go with Archibald Peck. Chikara has missed an element of manic whimsy since Marchie Archie met the business end of Deucalion's chokebreaker. He's totally a Chikara character through and through, and I always looked forward to him popping up on random shows, doing exaggerated marching movements, and announcing to the crowd he was going for his... FINISHER.

Some of the rogue replies gotten on Twitter to this tweet involved whether a second Ultimate Warrior was ever in play or the attendance record at WrestleMania III was legit, but those are both boring, and the latter has already been debunked as false. I think I would have the crew try to see if a man could suck his own dick. The urban legend is that Virgil was so well-endowed that he could auto-fellate. In addition, Vince McMahon and others used to have him do it for kicks. I wanna see if that's even possible. I know it's a bit esoteric and crass, but hey, it's of interest.

Can the audience see the action? If the actual wrestling part in the ring is obscured, whether live or on camera, then what's the point? Second, are the rules so complicated that the referee and the wrestlers can't get it right? If so, then no, it's probably not going to be a good match at all, even if the workers in it are peak Eddie Guerrero vs. peak Randy Savage. Creativity in wrestling is great, and it allows for a lot variations on themes. But if the action is confusing or hard to see by design, then the margin for error might become too great for even the best to execute cleanly.

I would stand up and walk out on you, but only if you were Joe Cocker. If you were Ringo Starr, however, I might say, "Naw, they let Ringo sing a song. How adorable."

Television and more exposure can never hurt a wrestling entity in theory. The only way it would ruin its current run is if it was a total departure from what has made ICW great from start. Basically, if it's already selling out WWE arenas, it should definitely look to get on TV, and TV should definitely want to get a piece of it.

Bray Wyatt - Hey, remember that idea you had for Waylon Mercy back in the early '90s? Well, imagine a dude like that only a billion times better at getting the point across.

Cesaro - So what if he has a weird accent? He's Don Muraco. You loved Don Muraco you asshole. Love Cesaro.

Dean Ambrose - I know this is going to sound weird, but the wiry blond kid from Ohio is the closest thing to Randy Savage you've had since Savage left the company. Sure, he's not coked out of his mind all the time, but you gotta tap into this shit before he burns himself making a milksteak. What's a milksteak? You wouldn't understand, Vince. You wouldn't understand.

Cody Rhodes - Hey, he had a dad, you know him, Dusty Rhodes, right? Why don't you treat him the way you treated... his... dad... you know, why don't we forget Cody for awhile, okay Vince?

The Women's Division - Hey, remember the time you booked the Jumping Bomb Angels? No Vince, that wasn't a fever dream, I swear. No, you have to believe me, it's on the Network. You can watch it with your own eyes. Look, just watch the first Royal Rumble and get back to me about what your impressions are. No, Vince, the impression shouldn't be that they wrestled in goddamn swimsuits, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME VINCE? GODDAMMIT. No, do not take that call from Kevin Dunn. No, no, Vince, VINCE HANG UP THE... you know what, fuck off Vince, I'm outta here.

I don't know if it's the scheme, because he's busted out a few really nice runs after the offensive line started to coalesce a little better and when he got more carries. I put the blame mostly on four things. One, the balance has sucked and skewed more towards passing the ball, especially after Sam Bradford and the wide receivers have proven to be not as good as advertised. Two, the play-calls themselves have been somewhat questionable. You can run out of the shotgun between the tackles, but Murray has been mostly confined to running jet sweeps. He's done well on them, but those are runs Ryan Mathews and Darren Sproles have been running better. Three, the offensive line has taken a little while to start playing better in the run blocking. When you cut an All-Pro offensive guard in Evan Mathis, it's going to take awhile to replace him. I'm still sore over that move. Todd Herremans, I can see, but Mathis? MATHIS?

Finally, the fourth reason is that wear and tear have probably caught up with him. He carried the ball an inhumanely amount of times last year, and he's clearly not running at full speed this year. He's been hobbled in the preseason and in practices. Running back is the most grueling skill position on the field because they can touch the ball in upwards of 20-30 times a game and are almost always getting hit on them. Murray is a physical runner, so he's gonna take even more lumps. Signing him and pairing him with Sproles and especially Mathews has been a great move to preserve him. That being said, the Eagles can stand to run the ball a lot more and win games by grinding on the ground and gashing teams with tempo rather than with big chunks of yards through the air.

Either genetics, or that rumor that he had chunks taken out of his femur and shinbones at a younger age to help stunt his growth is true.

This may make me sound like a fuddy-dud, but yes, I absolutely agree with this stance, especially in WWE and especially in the wake of the Rusev/Lana engagement. Maybe another company can handle the separation of reality and kayfabe better, but WWE is not one of those promotions. But then again, philanthropy is how brands win, right Stephanie McMahon? How else will WWE get the word out if officials can't spam RAW with charity work and shit. I don't know. Either way though, it's not fair to wrestlers who want to be able to share personal stuff like any other actor/athlete, so why include it on RAW anyway?

Sadly, I've only ever been to Houston in the great state of Texas, so I couldn't tell you what to do outside of going to wrestling shows. As for the wrestling shows, basically, three outfits are going to be running game that weekend. The first one isn't an indie, but it's NXT's greatest competition in Ring of Honor. Usually, that promotion runs a show the Friday night before Mania. I might hold off on getting tickets to that until Mania gets closer. Wait and see who the guest stars are going to be. If New Japan guys come over for the Supercard of Honor show, then by all means, go all-in. If not, then it's a 50/50 shot of whether you should go to that or one of the WWN Live shows.

WWN Live is the next entity holding court, and that group usually holds shows all weekend long starting on Thursday. EVOLVE, Kaiju Big Battel, SHIMMER, and a general WWN Live supershow usually are entailed in the package. I would definitely recommend checking out SHIMMER for one. The EVOLVE shows can be hit or miss depending on how much you like #grapplefuck. Kaiju Big Battel is definitely a niche alley, basically dudes in rubber suits and ostentatious gimmicks battle it out comic book style, but if you get it, you really get it. The biggest benefit to WWN Live is now its partnership with WWE, so those shows may end up being allowed to run the closest to the venue.

Finally, WrestleCon usually runs with a show or two during the weekend. WrestleCon is mostly what the name says, a convention for wrestling, but it has booked pastiche shows in the last few years. The one in 2013 featured Masato Tanaka taking on Kevin Steen (now Owens), for example. Again, I would wait to see the lineup before committing, but at the same time, the actual convention part is neat in how many wrestlers are there selling stuff and signing autographs, and the shows themselves tend to be the best mix of old and new.

Part of me wants to say that he's getting the title now, but that's contingent on Bálor being done with what he needs to do in NXT. I don't think that's the case. He's got a heel turn in him, and I think it could come out in this feud, especially with the heavy babyface sympathetic sitdown interview stuff that Crews is getting. Kevin Owens getting the title as soon as he did worked because he did so in devious fashion, and he's already had YEARS of built-in history with Sami Zayn. Crews getting a run with the title this early feels manufactured. He needs six months of chasing before he can get the gold. I think it's a short program to set up a bigger one down the road.

I can think of a better option. Cena stands in the middle of the ring, waiting for someone to answer his challenge. No one does in the first 30 seconds after his pre-match promo. He beckons again. No one answers. He's about ready to leave when all of a sudden this theme song hits:



When the smoke clears and a new US Champion is crowned, then Cena is extricated from the US Championship scene forever, and a WrestleMania program involving said unification is put into play.
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