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| [BELIEF IN THE SHIELD INTENSIFIES] Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Not only should you subscribe to MY NEWSLETTER, but you should follow me on Twitter Dot Com. Go to @HorbFlerbminber and BASK in the warming glow of my HOT HOT HOT scoops! Be there when I engage in targeted harassment campaigns against former Ring of Honor jobbers! Last week was Grizzly Redwood. Will this week be Alex "Sugarfoot" Payne? Bobby Dempsey? COLT CABANA? You won't know unless you follow! Also, be sure to contact me for back issues of the newsletter, because YOU NEED READING MATERIAL ON THE JOHN. I've seen your magazine collection in there. IT'S PATHETIC! If you'd like back issues, flush twice and then take a swig of Listerine, and I'll be right there with my magic chest of old issues, like these:
- October 2, 1991 - My review of Suburban Commando is in this issue. I ruminate not on whether Hulk Hogan should get an Oscar, but how many Oscars he should have received.
- Smarch 13, 1995 - I examine the effects of adding an extra month to the year on promotional drawing power and on the near aneurysm it gave Dave Meltzer in trying to figure out where it fit on the Observer Award voting period.
- February 18, 1998 - Double issue on the carnage wrought by the Monday Night Wars, including Vince McMahon deploying biochemical weapons on the cruiserweights and how Lanny Poffo had to talk Eric Bischoff down from nuclear retaliation in the WCW War Room.
- June 27, 2007 - Get the issue that won the Pulitzer Prize for most redacted text!
- September 1, 2010 - THE FORBIDDEN ISSUE. Read only if you want to be hexed with severe nerve pain for the rest of your life. Also a faithful recreation of Gorilla Monsoon's famous lasagna recipe!
- RAW this week ended with a tease for a reunion of The Shield. WWE officials are wondering whether or not to hold off the circle jerk confirming their reunion for TLC or to somehow let the overrun of next week's RAW go past midnight so they can show it on USA Network.
- Michael Cole missed this week's episode of RAW because he had to take a mean, mean shit.
- WWE will tour India in December, so get ready for more Jinder Mahal-shows-he-a-minority-is-the-real-racist promos from now until the tour finishes up.
- Samoa Joe spoke to Sky Sports about his recent injuries, revealing that he needed two surgeries, one to repair a torn meniscus and the other to become a real human being.
- Larry Dallas identified the wrestler who leaked the e-mail to EVOLVE from Gabe Sapolsky as Chip Day. For his efforts, Dallas was promoted to "Head Rat Bitch" in WWN Live.
- Ethan Page resigned from his WWN Live contract effective immediately. Although he was not implicated in the leak, he wasn't comfortable with someone getting more heel heat than him from the fans.
- Bradley Cooper was offered the lead role in the Vince McMahon biopic, which oddly enough will have him reprising his role as Rocket Raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy.
- Randy Orton on the Edge and Christian Podcast said that he was tired of the babyface thing and wanted to be a heel again. "All the heels get to be racist. I want in on that action."
- Memphis commentary legend Lance Russell has passed away at age 91. His final words were reputed to be "I have a secret to tell. Andy Kaufman is actually..."
- Bobby Heenan's funeral took place this past weekend. It was a respectful ceremony with many great memories that ended with Heenan's ghost appearing and roasting everyone in attendance.
- WWE has officially signed Shayna Baszler. Contract language stipulates her push directly correlates to how many matches Ronda Rousey works for WWE, and it has several bonus tiers for how hard Baszler lobbies to get her fellow Horsewoman aboard. "No pressure though," Stephanie McMahon said in regards to the contract provisions.
- Charlotte Flair recently said she'd like to face Rousey in the main event of WrestleMania 34, to which the entirety of Reddit's wrestling community laughed and listed several reasons why they couldn't possibly headline the biggest show of the year.
- Bray Wyatt's "Sister Abigail" will not be a female wrestler, but an alter ego in the same vein as Finn Bálor's "Demon," which means WWE is embracing intergender wrestling and CATERING TO PERVERTS. PERVERTS I SAY.
- Bálor teased "Bálor Club" shoes by Nike on Instagram. In the first exploratory measure, WWE has sent a cease and desist order to the entire Bullet Club, preventing them from wearing footwear of any kind.
- Meanwhile, Wyatt's divorce proceedings aren't going well. His ex-wife will receive half his earnings and custody of Luke Harper AND Erick Rowan.
- In response to WWE booking Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson against the Rock 'n Roll Express for Starrcade, Cody Rhodes said, "Pathetic. How dare WWE not ask me to work against the Rock 'n Roll Express? I know it'd be tampering, but if you're an important company, you risk that to get top talent on a show concept YOU STOLE from my father."
- WWE hit Will Ospreay with a cease and desist on using several phrases on merchandise, but no one has had the foresight to hit him with a cease and desist on liking racist tweets.
- A fan rushed the ring Friday night during an Undisputed Era vs. Kassius Ohno and Heavy Machinery six-man tag at the NXT house show. Kyle O'Reilly kicked the fan in the face as he charged at him. O'Reilly stated "It was a move Davey Richards taught me, only he intended it to be used for promoters rushing after us after we boosted everyone's pay envelopes before skipping out on a show. Man, come to think of it, he was a real prick, wasn't he?"
- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Corey Graves tweeted that he was ashamed in his son for doing Amore's dance in a little league baseball game. No one laughed at it, because everyone thought he was being serious, and instead gave him condolences in private.
- Billy Corgan has officially taken over the National Wrestling Alliance, marking the occasion by cutting a shoot promo on James Iha and D'arcy Wretzky and putting the NWA Junior Heavyweight Championship on Jimmy Chamberlain.
- Oops, the NWA has folded up shop after Corgan announced he was getting advice from Ed Nordholm.
- Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards retained the GHC World Heavyweight Championship over Naomichi Marufuji by faking him out with a giant anvil but then blasting him with a giant Civil War-era cannon.
- In its boldest match announcement yet, PROGRESS Wrestling has booked WALTER to defend the Atlas Championship against a literal gang of wolves.
- WWE RAW ratings have dipped to their lowest levels since the Carter Administration, when RAW wasn't actually on the air.
- Davey Richards lashed out at wrestlers who crowdfund to pay for their injuries. He later added "Look, do what I do. You can't get hurt if you never show up for bookings."
- COULD HAKU IN HIS PRIME HAVE BEATEN MUHAMMAD ALI IN HIS? I asked mad scientist Dr. Jorky Merktoberflarts, and he said "Give me like two more years and I'll have the time machine to find it out, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
- I'd have asked Haku, but the last time I tried to interview him, he tore my heart out and fed it to me because I took one of his Chik-Fil-A waffle fries.
- John Cena appeared on Dancing with the Stars to support fiancee Nikki Bella and to give Tom Bergeron an Attitude Adjustment for "talking shit." He knows what he said.
- Shane McMahon is suing a legal marijuana company he invested money into because its bud just wasn't dank enough, man.
- Ultimate Warrior's continued revisionist character rehabilitation continued on Monday and Tuesday when Dana Warrior joined forces with the company and Susan G. Komen to raise awareness for breast cancer research and treatment. I asked Billi Bhatti what he thought and immediately regretted it.
- Not everyone is thrilled with WWE's highlighting of breast cancer awareness month. Anonymous backstage tipster CJ Perry said, "UGH, not only is WWE giving attention to women who are NOT me, but they're not even WRESTLERS. This is an outrage. I have half a mind to take to Twitter and call them all men like I do to Sasha Banks every other tweet."
- Rafael Natal announced he was retiring from MMA to focus more on his new career performing standards with big band backing.
- The Big Show appeared in a NASCAR advertisement where he chokeslammed a car on the infield at Talladega Motor Speedway.
- In other NASCAR news, Tony Stewart killed a man during a race once. It's true.
- Defy Wrestling in Seattle has sent a letter to What Culture Pro Wrestling for rebranding as Defiant Wrestling. In other news, 13,576 of the 20,000 promotions with the word "Anarchy" in their names will be running shows this weekend.
- Wade Barrett was set to become the General Manager of Defiant Wrestling, but broke his hand signing the contract.
- Julio Jones and Mohammed Sanu of the Atlanta Falcons wore cleats with pictures of Ric Flair on them for this past Sunday's game. The effect rippled back in time and is now the leading reason why the NWA had Flair lose the World Championship to Ronnie Garvin.
- CHIKARA REPORT: Jorky Pektin d. Robb Stark, Romaine Rains d. Darkk Match, Delmi Defunct Montreal Baseball Team d. Some Ant, Glorbinsturn, Jakalak, Mamarama, and Flugtag Jimmy d. Daedelus, Morogo Boob, Vagabond Hayes, and Marty Jannetty, and Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh d. Wagh'nagl Fthagn (Thanks Ron Konkoma!)
- Mickey Gall challenged Kevin Lee to a no-rules fight at the gym Friday. When asked why, he replied "Isn't that the normal next step after you beat CM Punk?"
- Bayley is set to compete in the Nintendo World Championships LIKE THE FUCKIN GEEK SHE IS.
- Bryan Danielson appeared at a campaign stop for Glen "Kane" Jacobs in Tennessee last week. When asked why, he said "Hey, friends betray their own political beliefs to help get friends diametrically opposed to their own deeply-held values. That's just what they do, okay? I didn't make the rules."
- Robbie E asked for and received his release from Impact Wrestling to pursue his dream career of live-tweeting reality television that maybe like 50 people watch, which is 48 more people than watch Impact each week.
Last week's poll results are in, and 55 percent of you wanted extra cheese and pepperoni, while 45 percent only wanted the normal amounts of cheese. This week:
