Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol 3, Issue 8

Photo Credit: Jimmy Jacobs
Well, well, well, guess who has RETURNED to dispense all the news that you, your family, your friends, your enemies, and your hematologists can absorb into your brainholes? THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ME, HORB FLERBMINBER. Despite attempts by certain people to have me blacklisted, not naming any names except for Ted Cruz, Sean Radican, and Charles Manson, I am BACK WITH A VENGEANCE with all the ACCURATE news and SALIENT rumors this week. My rumblings are ROYAL. My series of notes are SURVIVOR. My mania... is TO GET YOU NEWS. Wait, that can't be right. Wait, that has to be right because I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.

Now, you can just read my nuggets below and get edified, but what if you wanted to get SUPER edified? ULTRA edified? EVEN MORE THAN ADEQUATELY EDIFIED? Then you first need to follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. Don't have Twitter? Then sign up for one or more accounts and follow me on all of them! You'll never know when I break news or harass Paul Roma. And if you really want to be STUFFED TO THE GILLS with information, check out some back issues of the newsletter, like these ones below:
  • August 8, 1990 - Huge story on Vince McMahon urging Saddam Hussein to invade Kuwait and instigate war with the United States so he had a reason to turn Sgt. Slaughter into an Iraqi heel.
  • August 9, 1990 - SPECIAL RETRACTION ISSUE: I retract the big story from the previous day, as it was actually Linda McMahon who urged Hussein as an early birthday gift to her husband.
  • August 10, 1990 - SPECIAL RETRACTION ISSUE TO THE SPECIAL RETRACTION ISSUE: I retract the big story from the previous day, as it was discovered Saddam Hussein actually pitched the idea to McMahon, who wildly approved it.
  • August 11, 1990 - SPECIAL RETRACTION ISSUE TO PRIOR RETRACTION ISSUES: None of the scenarios were correct, and as it turned out, Vince McMahon wanted Iran to invade Kuwait so he could give Iron Sheik one final push.
  • August 15, 1990 - All the details on the libel trial of the CENTURY, McMahon vs. Flerbminber. Check out all the dirt on heroic newsletter writer Horb Flerbminber defending himself from evil itself.
And now, the news.

- Jimmy Jacobs was fired from WWE Creative after being spotted taking a selfie with members of the Bullet Club during their invasion of RAW. When news of this broke, Neville said "That's all you gotta do to get fired from here?" and started calling up Will Ospreay, CIMA, and everyone else he knew to invade RAW to take selfies with him.

- Jacobs took another selfie with the Bullet Club at Ring of Honor Global Wars Sunday, but it wasn't as good as the first one, due to poor lighting.

- Michael PS Hayes wants WWE to send a cease and desist order to the Bullet Club for ripping off "Freebird Rule" for their use of any combination of stable members to defend the NEVER Openweight Championship. However, WWE Legal has been giving Hayes the cold shoulder the last few weeks over how many sexual harassment claims he's generated from female employees and no action is expected to be taken.

- Dave Palumbo, Triple H's former nutritionist, claimed that Trips was on steroids during a large portion of the last decade. He later walked it back, saying "Triple H? Oh, how silly of me, I meant to say CM Punk was the one on steroids. Now, will you please release my family from the cage above the shark tank, Mr. McMahon? I've done what you asked! I'VE DONE WHAT YOU ASKED!"

- Nia Jax has reportedly been granted a leave of absence from WWE after she walked out on RAW Monday. She apparently wanted to be like most girls and objected to not being like them.

- Impact Wrestling announced "Impact Pizza" this past Monday, a pizzeria that will open right across the street from every Papa John's location in the United States and Canada in direct competition.

- RAW RECAP: Kane made his return and was inserted into the TLC main event because you don't deserve nice things.

- Sources say that this will set up Undertaker coming back to WWE to join his brother in a match vs. The Shield. While his exit at WrestleMania seemed to indicate retirement, Taker is afraid that TrumpCare will pass and he won't be able to afford his old man medication without extra income from WWE.


- Also on Smackdown, Shane McMahon was announced to be returning to Smackdown, and let me tell you, if he's not wearing a full body cast, I will raise hell for the blatant disrespect for kayf... oh wait, sorry, these are Wade Keller's notes. I don't give a flying fuck.

- WrestleMania 34 tickets will go on sale November 17, unless you're a member of HORB CLUB, which you can buy them straight from me on November 1. Just enter the forbidden numbers in your browser.

- CM Punk is continuing to train for his next MMA fight, which isn't scheduled yet. However, if Punk continues to train, he'll become big and strong and skilled enough that he can just jump right into the heavyweight division in UFC after everyone else gets popped for banned substances. It's called a long-con, people.

- Madison Rayne is training at the Performance Center. WWE officials are high on her, but they're afraid that if they were to sign her, that Velvet Sky might try to stow away in her bag to sneak into the company.

- Awful news today, as RAW ratings were the lowest since the Irish Potato Famine. Seven people died thanks to them, mostly after Vince McMahon accidentally pressed the Earthquake Button in anger, gifted to him from HAARP on Donald Trump's request.

- Mark Briscoe dislocated his arm badly at Global Wars on Friday night. Sources say it caused his father to mistake him for one of the family's chickens, and Briscoe was almost slaughtered and sold to Foghorn Fried Chicken in Philadelphia, PA.

- WWE signed Shadia Bseiso, its first ever Arab superstar, to a contact. Bsedio said in response "It feels refreshing for people to look at me funny because of my ethnicity rather than my gender for once."

- I asked her the next day how she felt and she replied, "Oh I was wrong. So so wrong. They look at me funny because I'm Middle Eastern AND a woman. Fuck this. As soon as I get famous, I'm quitting this place and becoming an Instagram model."

- WWE held tryouts attended by several hopefuls, including Chinese kickboxer Taishan Dong. I don't know the rest because I was too busy laughing to myself over Dong's name. Sorry, I'll try to do better next time.

- Austin Aries tweeted that he'd be making more money in his next six indie bookings than he did in four months in WWE mainly working 205 Live. This information is telling as to the pay structure in WWE since one of those bookings, House of Hardcore, is paying him in Arby's coupons.

- It was reported that Mike Kanellis would be fired by Friday of this week; however, it was all just a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.

- Ric Flair named himself, Steve Austin, The Rock, and Hulk Hogan to his personal Mount Rushmore of pro wrestling. Triple H was overheard crying onto his glossy pictures of him and Flair that he keeps in his office, muttering "You've made a powerful enemy today, Ric."

- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson helped promote WWE 2K18 by saying "The gameplay is easier than whuppin' Tyrese's roody-poo candy ass. You'll love it, unlike the way you feel about Vin Diesel's acting performances compared to mine in the Fast and Furious franchise. I hate the rest of my castmates."

- Tyron Woodley wants to fight the winner of the Georges St. Pierre vs. Michael Bisping fight. Well, I want a trillion dollars and my own space station, Tyron. YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT.

- A new documentary titled Roddy Piper: In His Own Words is set to be released shortly, rated R, because a lot of Piper's own words were profanities and slurs.

- Burrhead Jones passed away Monday. I swear to God he was a real wrestler. I'm not making this up, you know guys back in the day had fucked up names. It was a generational thing.

- Kazuchika Okada will be wrestling for Melbourne City Wrestling on November 11 against Slex. Slex? What the fuck, that's gotta be a typo. Gotta be. You know what, fuck it, I'm announcing that he's wrestling Lex Luger there. Try to stop me. It's Australia. Laws don't work down there. It was founded as a penal colony. I'm bulletproof.

- Billy Corgan was on the Howard Stern Show to talk about buying the National Wrestling Alliance Monday. The big news is Howard Stern is still around. I thought he was jailed for tax evasion or something.

- John Cena is selling his Lamborghini. According to user u/CuckPenis469 at Reddit's Squared Circle sub-forum, it's the first thing Cena has sold in 15 years.

- Chen-chen Li came out to Mark Henry's theme song for his kickboxing match Sunday night and won his bout in 0.1 seconds when his opponent shit himself in fear and forfeit.

- Diamond Dallas Page will release a book next year titled Why the Hell Did I Let Eric Bischoff Tag My Wife: Stories about Swinging, Yoga, and Rib Tape.

- Honky Tonk Man will be appearing at ECWA's ChickFight Super 8 tournament, mainly to lob sexist insults at the competitors in hopes of getting a booking somewhere.

- The Montreal Canadiens were fined for obscenity after it appeared the team exposed the crowd to a bald penis Saturday night before the team's game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. The fine was rescinded, however, when officials were informed that it was only Dana White.

Last week's poll results are in, and I hate to say I told you so. This week: