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| ALL THE SCOOPS ON EMMA's RELEASE Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Of course, you can read these scoops and be satisfied, but seriously, WHY STOP THERE when you can get the full HORB EXPERIENCE? I'm talking Twitter. I'm talking back newsletters. I'm talking MAXIMUM FLERBMIBER, BAYBAY! You can follow me on Twitter @HorbFlerbminber, where I dish out up-to-the-second scoops for you, your friends, and even your enemies. Just yesterday, I posted surveillance footage of the Arby's bathroom where Robert Gibson fell asleep on the john after eating three roast beef sandwiches and one of those venison gimmicks. You can also get back issues of the newsletter just by believing in yourself! Which issues, well take your pick:
- January 20, 1971 - SCANDAL: Is Vincent J. McMahon a goddamn commie for booking Ivan Koloff to win the WWWF Championship? An entire double issue devoted to every single one of McMahon's ties, including seances he had so he could commune with Friedrich Engels.
- May 9, 1984 - Full coverage of Kerry von Erich winning the NWA World Championship from Ric Flair, including a creepy prophecy from Madam Spookarella that detailed how he'd lose a foot in a motorcycle accident.
- April 4, 1990 - Expansive WrestleMania VI recap, including 35 reasons why Chris Colt should have beaten Hulk Hogan instead of the Ultimate Warrior.
- April 16, 1997 - ECW holds landmark first pay-per-view event, Barely Legal. I interview Terry Funk, where he said that now that he won the ECW Championship, he could retire in peace back to his ranch in Amarillo, TX and never have to worry about wrestling ever again.
- April 6, 2005 - John Cena wins his first WWE Championship, and I analyze why it's not only the worst thing to happen in wrestling, but also why it caused the Fifth Seal of the Apocalypse to break wide open.
- WWE released Emma, Darren Young, and Summer Rae on Sunday, making it the worst thing to happen on a Sunday in WWE since the last time Roman Reigns won a pay-per-view match.
- Emma's release came as a shock as she was in two matches where she got substantial offense on Asuka. This goes to prove that Asuka is RUINED and will NEVER EVER get over thanks to WWE not having her beat Emma in less than a nanosecond.
- Lio Rush tweeted a tasteless, in-kayfabe tweet in response to Emma's release, which caused the wrestling world to come crashing down on him. Rush has been released from his NXT contract and will now work in Vince McMahon's salt mine gulag for wrestlers who don't know proper etiquette.
- ENZO AMORE HEAT WATCH: Amore was seen popping bottles backstage at RAW since thanks to Rush's tweet about Emma, he's no longer the lowest man on the totem pole in the company.
- Rumors of Detroit making a bid for WrestleMania 35 in 2019 are false. City officials said "We can't afford to pay for exterminators to get the raccoons out of City Hall. We owe Kid Rock $35 million for goods and services. We can't afford WrestleMania."
- Conor McGregor will probably fight Tony Ferguson next, but only if he can be allowed to use the six-letter "F" word without having to apologize.
- Shane McMahon will captain Smackdown's Survivor Series team as a reward for swimming around in father Vince's scrotum all those years before he was conceived.
- Sami Zayn cemented his heel turn by injuring a fan with a table last night on Smackdown. He reportedly stabbed a fan in the heart with a shard from the announce table, thinking that fan was a vampire.
- Stephanie McMahon returned to RAW, where she literally castrated Kurt Angle in front of a horrified crowd. The front row was spattered with Olympic blood.
- Braun Strowman spent his week away from WWE programming meditating with Oscar the Grouch so he could refocus his refuse chi and become even more powerful.
- Samoa Joe came back too, and oddly enough, he cut a promo finally explaining what happened when those ninja dudes kidnapped him on that episode of Impact.
- Kurt Angle will wrestle at Survivor Series as long as he can find enough twine and duct tape to keep his spine intact.
- Nia Jax also returned to RAW. Her absence was rumored to be over dissatisfaction at her current creative direction, but it turned out to be a rib on Renee Young for not wearing shoes.
- RAW ratings are down again, causing Vince McMahon to wonder loudly around Titan Towers if now's the time to deploy that incest angle he's been wanting to do for years.
- Meanwhile, Roman Reigns is still not cleared to wrestle. He's transitioned from mumps to mononucleosis after making out with his girlfriend in the back of his Ford Crown Victoria at Lover's Point over on the ridge overlooking downtown.
- Tetsuya Naito will be wrestling in the United States February 16 through 18, and if you don't think he'll bring peace and sanctity to this country, well, YOU'RE WRONG, YOU HEATHEN MOTHERFUCKER YOU.
- Don Callis denied rumors that he was leaving New Japan's English announce team, because he knows that if he disrespected the Bushiroad brand, I'd kill him.
- Ring of Honor Soaring Eagle Cup results: The Swagger Soaring Eagle defeated the entire roster.
- Nikki Bella was disqualified from Dancing with the Stars when she gave judge Len Goodman a Rack Attack. She wasn't disqualified for the move, but that she was a woman giving it to a man, making it PATENTLY UNBELIEVABLE AND PANDERING TO PERVERTS.
- John Cena tweeted about the elimination, saying "THIS IS FUCKEN BULLSHIT."
- Cena played an instrumental version of Pixie's "Where Is My Mind?" on piano to celebrate the Bella Twins' YouTube account hitting 900,000 subscribers. Online forums critiqued him by saying Pixies were too mainstream and that if he really cared about his fiancee and future sister-in-law, he'd have played something a bit more artistic from Big Star or Nick Lowe.
- Atsushi Onita has retired. To honor the legend, the Japanese Diet threw several violent inmates into flaming barbed-wire tables rigged with C-4.
- Impact Wrestling surpassed one million YouTube subscribers, and only 350,000 of them are Ed Nordholm sock puppets.
- Impact has also signed Tessa Blanchard and Sami Callihan in an attempt to stock its locker room with as many wrestlers of high moral fiber as possible.
- PROGRESS Wrestling ran a Twitter poll today asking if they should remove a bit of commentary from a recent show where the commentators called Sexy Star a "vacuous c***." The poll was removed after Sexy Star found both Glen Joseph and Jim Smallman and gave them both shoot armbars.
- Drew Gulak dressed up as Sasha Banks for Halloween, causing WWE officials to consider hiring Ted Levine, who played Buffalo Bill in the 1991 Academy Award winning film The Silence of the Lambs to show people how to tuck their penises between their legs if they're gonna pull that shit again.
- WWE also sent a cease and desist letter to Kenny Omega, saying dressing men in drag was its gimmick and its gimmick alone.
- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hinted at running for President at Stan Lee's Los Angeles Comic Con, saying he'd layeth the smacketh down on the deficit before asking ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi if he liked pie.
- Mauro Ranallo visited Wales to call a boxing match but exploded immediately after trying to read a road sign.
- NXT's Sarah Logan and Raymond Rowe announced their engagement over the weekend. Vince McMahon was seen plotting ways to break the two up since Rowe doesn't work for WWE yet. I'm just kidding, McMahon doesn't even know NXT exists.
- Tony Schiavone did a Control Center rundown for the Starrcade house show happening Thanksgiving. Cody Rhodes was said to have felt personally attacked that Schiavone would disrespect him like that.
Last week's poll results are in, and you want to see Ryoto Hama naked the most out of all current wrestlers. I respect that. This week:
