Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 2

Photo via Voices of Wrestling
So, are you cretins and dopes NOT HUNGOVER ANYMORE? Well, HORB FLERBMINBER still has a hangover, A HANGOVER FROM REPORTING ALL THE NEWS. That's right, your buddy HORB is back to dispense all the news he spent the last week gleaning, gathering, UPROOTING FROM THE EARTH LIKE A PIG SNIFFING OUT TRUFFLES. Unlike most James Beard Award winning restaurants, I WON'T CHARGE YOU AN ARM AND A LEG TO SHAVE MY NEWS NUGGETS OVER YOUR DOLPHIN RISOTTO.

Now, you could just be content taking in the newsletter, but what kind of MONSTER would you be if you ONLY consumed what's below? Huh? HUH? YOU'D HURT MY FEELINGS! You can help sate my massive and fragile ego by subscribing to the up-to-the-moment content on my Twitter feed, @HorbFlerbminber, first and foremost. You can see when I drop the MOST CURRENT updates, including when CM Punk has eaten corn, and any updates on AJ Lee's menstrual cycle, thanks to the camera I've rigged in their toilet.

You can also get back issues of the newsletter, but why would anyone want those? Fuck, imagine not only caring about what I wrote about several years ago, but caring about it enough to have a four-plus hour podcast on it. You'd have to be sociopathic. I mean... wait, Meltzer makes HOW MUCH OFF HIS BACK ISSUES? Shit, I mean, uh, BUY THEM ALL!

And now, the news!

- WrestleKingdom 12 was last Thursday, and the biggest news coming out of it is that Lil' Kazu got them long boys.

- STAR RATINGS FOR WRESTLEKINGDOM: All matches received 69 stars, except for the main event of Kazuchika Okada vs. Tetsuya Naito, which I gave my elusive 420 star rating.

- New Year's Dash was the next night, and the big news coming out of that event was Lil' Kazu kept wearin' them there long boys, he did.

- Jay White has joined CHAOS over the Bullet Club, stating his intentions were due to the fact that CHAOS would nurture his ambitions of becoming a full-fledged "knife pervert" better.

- Erroneous reports came out that the 25th Anniversary RAW would air for five hours. In reality, the show will air for all eternity.

- Special guests for the show will include Eric Bischoff, Jim Cornette, Raven, Buff Bagwell, Bret Hart, Jeff Jarrett, Dixie Carter, Ted Turner, and Steve Austin. They will all be lowered into a vat of acid as Vince McMahon's long-game revenge for ever having crossed him.

- Samoa Joe suffered an injury Monday night on RAW. He says he heard something pop in his foot when a masked assailant dropped an anvil on it after learning Joe won the vote to team with Bayley in the Mixed Match Challenge when WWE officials clearly wanted Elias to win it. He'll be out for two-to-four months.

- Joe will also be voice acting in the new Transformers animated series as Cockface, the Decepticon with a penis tatooed on his face. The role was written for him when he was still in TNA.

- ESPN produced an article on how CrossFit changed the way WWE trains. In unrelated news, injuries in WWE are up 572 percent over the last five years.

- Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks chose September 1 as the date for their ALL IN show. When asked the reason, Rhodes said "My father invented having shows on Labor Day weekend. Kiss the rings, peasant."

- IPW: United Kingdom will feature a WWE Champion vs. an IWGP Champion for the first time nearly a quarter century, as Pete Dunne will take on a puckered asshole.

- Brad Stutts has been let go from CWF Mid-Atlantic. The fact that people know the reasons behind it, including me, and are not reporting it mean that wrestling reporting is FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN. DO YOU HEAR ME, EVERY OTHER WRITER BUT ME?

- Michael Elgin issued an apology over Twitter for his behavior in the last few months. It read, "I'm sorry and junk. Okay, now will all you assholes forgive me and let me be cool and shit on here again? I'm tired of being ostracized!"

Last week's poll results are in. A whopping 98 percent of you thought WrestleKingdom 12 was the greatest show in the history of mankind, while two percent ratted themselves out and will now be sent to the salt mines to harvest the finest seasoning for this year's New Japan Cup Winner's Banquet. This week's poll: